Author Archives: Tabitha

About Tabitha

I was presented with an opportunity, I seized it, and here I am in this so called “Gnome Abode”. Last weekend, I hesitantly vacated my extravagant mansion with an ocean view in California with one mission: To manipulate the King of the Gnomes into making me his wife so I can rule the gnome world and beyond.

I’ve heard rumors that he’s a pushover. I’ve also heard that the only other female gnome here is a total  skank.

Allow me to introduce myself…I am Tabitha and you will soon be worshiping me as your Queen as I rise in the ranks of high gnome society.

Naughty Knitted Gnomes: Coming to a Neighborhood Near You

Posted on by
Reply

Gnomes and crafts kinda sorta go hand-in-hand. Wouldn’t you agree?

One group of knitters in the UK have been knitting up naughty gnomes and strategically placing them in the gardens at the Sunnyfield House Community Center. But these are no ordinary gnomes…these are badass gnomes!

gno1

Some of them are mooning each other, some are karate chopping each other’s heads off, and others are wearing (gasp!) thongs. Clearly, the Guisborough Knitwits are my kind of crafters!

gno2

Apparently, one of the group’s members found a gnome pattern and the other members began interpreting it in different ways, creating super unique gnomes that blew everyone’s mind.

knit2

We Drunk Gnomes think these knitted gnomes are awesome, and although our craft skills are undoubtedly sub-par, we still wanna get our hands on that knitting pattern. So after a little online stalking, I uncovered the Guisborough Knitwits Facebook page. Success!

A creepy stranger message has been sent out into the void in hopes of gaining access to this underground naughty knitted gnome world. Fingers crossed!

xoxo,
Tabitha the Gnome

Photo credit: Guisborough Knitwits

Check Out Yellowbelly Crafts for Unique, Hand-Crafted Gnomish Masterpieces!

Posted on by
Reply

We gnomes have been super crafty over here lately. Supposedly, it’s springtime, but neither our tiny toes nor our gardens have yet to thaw out.  Believe it or not, I actually started taking a sewing class. These chunky fingers have more than their fair share of challenges, but it’s been therapeutic and I’m hoping to have a gnomemade skirt finished soon!

I wanted to share with you another artist who is near and dear to my heart.

Her name is Alison and she runs Yellowbelly Crafts. Alison makes really awesome gnomes in Lincolnshire in the UK! Perhaps you came across Ron the Gnome’s shout-out about her business in the most recent edition of International Gnome Club newsletter.

Alison started making ceramics in 2004 after attending local classes. She uses kilns and molds in her production area to create gnomes, mushrooms, and garden areas. Take a look at these little guys…they’re pretty rad if you as me. And you didn’t, but I told you anyway. Prices range from about £30 to £55.

All the posted craft fair dates are from 2012, but I hope you’re planning on making some public appearances this year, Alison! Awesome work!

xoxo,
Tabitha the Gnome

Photo credit: Yellowbelly Crafts

Queen of England Receives Gnome (and bunch of worthless jewelry)

Posted on by
Reply

queen

“Every item on an official list of gifts given to members of the Royal family last year provides a fascinating insight into how various dignitaries, companies and members of the public have tried to solve the issue of what to give someone who wants for nothing – often with hilarious consequences.” – The Telegraph

royal gnomesNot surprisingly, one of the Queen’s gifts this year was a GNOME. In less interesting news, she also received:

  • a knitted hat with horse ears
  • a plastic angel
  • a book titled Your Arms Remind Me of Pork Luncheon Meat
  • a 5-strand pearl necklace
  • 4 enameled scarab beetles
  • a diamond and tourmaline brooch

According to chief reporter, Gordon Rayner, “Official gifts to members of the Royal family are not their private property, but are held by them on behalf of the Queen. They can be consumed, used or displayed by the Royal family, loaned to galleries or, in the case of gifts worth less than £150, given to charity if they are not likely to be used.”

Hey, Royal Gnome. Hey buddy! Are you being consumed, displayed, loaned, or hanging out in a charity these days? What does the Queen really DO all day? We’re dying to know – write us back, please 🙂

Thinking of you,
Tabitha, Queen of the Gnomes

Get the %*$& Back to Work! (From the Labor Day Gnomes)

Posted on by
Reply

 

Humans in America are celebrating Labor Day today. We gnomes don’t really get your silly little holidays. As we sit alongside your porches, we’ve been watching you sip cocktails in the sun all summer. We don’t really see why an additional break is necessary.

But as The Gnome Abode’s faithful queen, I decided to bring a little holiday cheer to my laborious minions. May I present you with…

photo (1)-001A custom-designed gnome patch laptop case!

If you pay special attention to my fine craftsmanship, you’ll see that the hardworking gnome hauling a wheelbarrow (yes, flowers ARE heavy) is flanked by lazy ass bastard gnomes. Sleeping in a hammock? Sleeping under a mushroom?

REALLY?

Let this work machine holder serve as a reminder to you that the gnomish workforce is eerily similar to the human workforce. Lazy ass gnomes and humans outnumber hardworking gnomes and humans 2:1.

The proof is in the patches. Which gnome/human are you?

Happy Labor Day to all species, regardless of your worth to society!

Your queen bee,
Tabitha the Gnome

Dogs and Gnomes! On Video! Making Out!

Posted on by
Reply

dvdr_gnomeo_julietPerhaps you recognize me from my Hollywood days. These days I go by Tabitha, but I used to be known by my screen name, Juliet.

Contrary to what you might think, Gnomeo and I weren’t romantically involved off-screen. In real life, I’m engaged to The Gnome Adode’s king, Jerry…in case you forgot.

Gnomeo and I haven’t really kept in touch since our days on the big screen. However, like most former co-workers, we like to stalk each other on the Internet. You can imagine my surprise when I saw this video, which was taken in Yamba, Australia.

http://vimeo.com/70853961

Watch it, seriously. I mean, what the hell was this dude doing in the middle of the street? He should really know better than that. Gnomeo & Juliet had all sorts of gnomes getting smashed and injured. Some bastards never learn.

doggnome

And apparently, now he’s making out with dogs?! Clearly, he’s abandoned all his standards.

Not that I’m bitter or anything. I mean, why should I care. I’m engaged TO THE KING for gnomessake!

But I dunno….should I really contact this fish & burger bar so help him find his way home? Or would that look desperate? Or give him the wrong impression?

Working relationships are difficult…

Ugh,
Tabitha the gnome