Author Archives: The Book of Genesis

About The Book of Genesis

Happy Endings for Canadian Gnomers

Posted on by
Reply

Good evenings, fellow gnomes. I felt the pressing need to report a news update to you at this late hour.

Perhaps you were following our prior story about gnomes popping up in weird places in Southern Ontario. A group of gnomes were displaced from their homes, renamed via green tape, and relocated to the town’s water treatment plant in the middle of the night.

Well, these gnomes have started being reunited with their owners. Roberta Smith was reunited with Gerome and welcomed him home with a shower and a blow dry.

Roberta

 

Locals are looking for answers as to where their gnomes have run off to and why they suddenly decided to return. To find their answers, the gnomes have turned to literature.

Gnomes in the area are citing striking similarities in these recent happenings to a book titled, Hector and the Small People. Author and Celtic Connection gift shop owner, Mary McGillis, wrote this book that begins in an eerily similar way.

Are the perpetrators literate?

Are they Irish?

Police in Parry Sound are continuing their investigation. Anyone with information or who has reported a gnome stolen in the past is asked to contact Const. Aaron Jeffery 705-746-4225, or 1-888-310-1122.

Pleasantly unstolen,
The Book of Genesis the Gnome

Find out more about McGillis’ novel, Hector and the Little People, at www.marymcgillis.com.

Friday Afternoon Botany Update: The Pink Gnome Rose

Posted on by
Reply

 

I’d like to inform all you gnomes out there reading this that there is a flower named after us!

Pretty, eh? It’s called the Pink Gnome Rose and according to eh Landsburg Landscape Nursery, is a “compact rose with a tight round habit, the lovely pink buds open to display tiny pretty pink cup shaped flowers with white centers that cover the plant all season long; wonderfully disease resistant and low maintenance.”

It grows about 18 inches tall and spreads about 24 inches wide. The Pink Gnome Rose needs direct sunlight and when well cared for, can life for about 20 years.

Gardening site, HelpMeFind, says that our flower was first bred by Ping Lim and Martin Nemko in the United States in 1995.

Magnificent!

Let us all grow Pink Gnome Rosse in our gardens to celebrate ourselves!

Beautifying our Abode….one narcissistic plant at a time,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

1986 Tom Clark “Pumpkin” Gnome Lady Joins The Abode!

Posted on by
Reply

 

We at The Gnome Abode welcome all gnomes to join us, even gnomes as old as dirt. 1986 is pretty old, don’t you think? And really….in gnome years, that’s more like 1486.

Without further ado, allow me to introduce you all to The Abode’s newest resident! Hmm. She doesn’t have a name yet. It’s hard to introduce someone who doesn’t have a name.

Anyway. She is part of the “Pumpkin” collection and was sculpted in 1986 by master gnome creator, Tom Clark!

Look! She’s authentic! Not even I have proof of my creator or when I was created. These are deep philosophical questions that I don’t want to get wrapped up in right now though.

She even came with her own money! Now that’s what I call a responsible lady gnome….one who can take care of herself. Sure sure, it’s only a penny. But that had to be worth millions in 1986!

We are taking suggestions for what to name her. So fire away with your best ideas!

She’s the first Tom Clark gnome to join the clan and we’re really excited to welcome such a historical figure into our home. Tom Clark is a master artist and sculptor and the lead artist for Cairn Studio, LTD. Hard-to-find collections of Tom Clark gnomes are sold from a variety of vendors, such as Yukon Shop and The Knot Hole Station LTD.

The welcome party for our new nameless pumpkin lady will be held TONIGHT! 8pm sharp in the living room! BYOB pumpkin beer! Alcoholic pumpkin ice cream will also be served 🙂

Co-Chairman of the Welcoming Committee,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

UPDATE! – Scandalous Past of Tabitha The Gnome…REVEALED!

Posted on by
Reply

That bastard of a lizard might be an alright guy after all!

St. Bastille Day contacted me after reading my earlier post and advised that he had supplemental material for my investigation. He blathered on about wanting to destroy all gnomekind…blah blah blah…but then he got to the good part.

Apparently both he AND Zookwinkle knew Tabitha before she moved to the Gnome Abode! Who would have guessed! I don’t understand the history between the three of them, but that mystery will have to be solved another today.

Because today, we have THIS!

Look at her head. Look at her body. They are so far away from each other!

Proof! Proof is mine! All mine! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..

Signing off,
The Book of Genesis The Gnome

P.S. – Jerry, hey man, I’m still waiting for your call. What gives?

Scandalous Past of Tabitha The Gnome…REVEALED!

Posted on by
2

You may recall some recent posts from that gnome bitch, Tabitha, about getting a restraining order against me and planning her marriage to Jerry. Well I’m not the kind of gnome that goes down without a fight.

She thinks she can do better than me?! She thinks she’s gonna be Gnome Queen?! She’s got another thing coming to her.

Through unrevealed sources, I have located a copy of Tabitha’s medical records that show she underwent head transplant surgery just one month before moving to The Gnome Abode.

HEAD TRANSPLANT SURGERY?!

WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH HER PREVIOUS HEAD?!

HOW UGLY IS SHE, REALLY?!?

It appears that she has since tampered with her medical records, because there are no photos of her previous head, nor of the actual procedure. However, such photos could not have simply disappeared into thin air and I am damn well determined to find them!

Post-surgical photos were included in her file though. Apparently, this procedure was performed by a MONKEY, in the depths of the jungle….assumedly so that no one would ever find out about this freakish ordeal!

I Googled this supposed “doctor” (who goes by the name Happy Go Lucky) and cannot find any records of him obtaining a medical degree at all. Apparently, he specializes in bringing things back from the dead. Shown here is a photograph I uncovered of “Doctor” Lucky with one of his living-dead surgical patients.

Who IS Tabitha The Gnome? I hope that this post puts as many questions in your mind as it puts in mind….espeically when she attempts to ascend the throne of gnomish society.

Hugs & kisses,

*The Book of Genesis, Aspiring Gnome Detective*

P.S. – Jerry! Are you reading this? WTF?! Call me!