My name Zookwinkle, and although I am most certainly a gnome, I sometimes mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay fine, so my skin tone is kind of green….it’s a medical condition and I’m seeking dermatology treatment SO LAY OFF! I am a true romantic at heart and love to give flowers and kisses to lady gnomes on the rare occasion I actually see one. And on the even rarer occasion that I get laid.
Rarely do we welcome human contribution on our blog, but we thought this article was worthy of mention:
http://www.alyssavnature.com/2013/10/23/dirty-bills-a-sort-of-gnome-themed-dive-bar-in-austin/
A gnome-themed bar? Sign us up!
I had the pleasure of meeting Dirty Bill while I was in Austin, and he was a stand-up kinda dude.
Read, read, read all about it!
Zookwinkle the Gnome
Howdy gnome fans,
Perhaps you’ve heard a little through the grapevine (mmm…wine) about my recent gnomish travels through Texas. It was grand, I must admit, and I have another confession to make as well.
I didn’t come home alone.
Now, now. Don’t let your mind fall into the gutter. It’s not a lady gnome and there’s no scandal.
And okay, to be fair….no I haven’t swung the other way in quite some time now.
But I did rescue a poor, old sap that I discovered in an antique shop in Austin. Uncommon Objects is a super-random vintage shop on Congress Avenue. As I strolled through the crowded, but surprisingly organized aisles, I just had a feeling that gnomes were living here.
Finally, I laid eyes on a set of three chipped and faded men with pointy hats. One was drinking, one was smoking, and one appeared to be sleeping.
I went into this long spheel about what a magical place The Gnome Abode was and only the smoker seemed interested. Figures.
I invited him to come back home with me…that is to venture outside his comfort zone and see another part of the world. He looked back at his brothers and said, “Eh, I’ve been standing next to these douchebags for the past 60 years. I need a change.”
And that was that.
All that smoke must have affected my new buddy’s memory because he can’t definitively recall where he came from or how old he is. This is where YOU come in!
If you’ve ever seen a gnome like him lurking about (probably outdoors…I mean, just look at his weathered skin condition!), please let me know! He’s ready to move on with his life and turn over a new leaf, but it’d be a pity for him to completely abandoned his past and all he’s been through.
I mean for godssake, he must have had some tragic stuff go down to end up on the top shelf of a Texas vintage shop!
Please welcome this dude to our home. Dude doesn’t have a name yet, as there is much debate among the elders as to what he should be called. Suggestions welcome!
Tootaloo!
Zookwinkle the traveling gnome
It’s not uncommon for me to introduce myself to gnomes that I meet in gardens or humans’ yards as I’ve traveling around the world. While biking my little gnome legs through Toronto recently, I rode past a yard that could have caught my eye from a mile away.
Probably 40 or 50 gnomes were lurking about in a particular yard on Marcos Street!
I screeched to a halt and popped off my bike to say hello to a human gardener, who seems to be providing luxury housing for a large population of gnomes. The gardener’s name was Walter and he invited me to mosey on around his yard and introduce myself to the various Canadian gnomes.
It’s people like Walter who restore the little bit of faith I have left in the human race these days. If you’ve kept up with our Gnome News Section, you probably have as negative of an impression of humans as I do. People stealing gnomes, breaking gnomes with windows, creating horrendous advertisements with gnomes….you name it, people kinda suck.
But Walter was an alright guy, and I’m happy to see how well his colony gnomes are living up in Toronto.
So if you stumble upon a colony of gnomes in a yard near you, make sure to send the address my way so I can be sure to visit when I’m in the area.
May the luck of the gnome sightings be with you,
Zookwinkle the uber-social travel gnome
Gnomes from the Midwest aren’t exactly used to checking the local paper for the tide schedule.
As part of my gnomish tour of the Northeast, I arrived in Maine the other day and checked into a tree stump on the outskirts of Bar Harbor. My stump host informed me about the free L.L. Bean shuttle that drops humans and gnomes off in Acadia National Park. I went on a short hike in hopes of tasting ocean water. I’d recently run out of potato chips and I was having a crazy strong craving for salt.
Apparently, the second daily high tides have been coming in during the early evening hours. That’s what the rescue crew told me when I got stranded on this here rock yesterday anyway.
Some gnomes (like Sheldon) have been known to swim, but I most certainly cannot. After being swallowed by the sea, I had no choice but to cling onto these sturdy blades of grass and belt out Journey songs ’til some Asian family spotted me from across the beach.
I’d like to extend a hearty “thank you” to the U.S. Coast Guard at this point. You guys aren’t going to charge me anything, are you?
Still drip-drying off,
Zookwinkle, the non-aquatic travel gnome
P.S. – Salt water doesn’t satisfying cravings like you’d expect it to.
Howdy folks, your favorite travel gnome here! You might have seen my buddy Rubber’s recent post about going rock climbing in New Hampshire.
Well we climbed alright, and climbing is really difficult for gnomes. Our legs are short, our arms are weak, and our bellies are somewhat large. For you humans, rock climbing might involve going several feet into the air. For gnomes, we’re generally satisfied with climbing a couple of inches. I mean seriously…some of us are barely a couple inches tall in the first place!
No matter who you are though, climbing makes you thirsty. And nothing quenches post-climbing thirst quite like beer. There’s also nothing that feels better than wrapping your sore, tired hands around a frosty pint glass filled with hoppy goodness.
We celebrated this particular survival on the rocks at Moat Mountain Brewery in North Conway, New Hampshire. I never saw a moat, but I did see a mountain. Therefore, I gave the brewery a 50/50 chance of impressing me.
The place is in a big yellow house with shit for signage, so I actually passed by it and nearly flipped my gnome jeep trying to get in the parking lot. Things got a little better once I learned they do $5 samplers.
Violet’s Blueberry was definitely my favorite beer of the bunch. It had a yummy smell that reminded me of blueberry muffins. Unlike other fruity beers, it wasn’t over-carbonated either.
I didn’t have many thoughts flowing through my little gnome brain as I drank the Iron Mike Pale Ale or the Czech Pilsner. The Bone Shaker Brown pleasantly surprised me though. It had a roasted, nutty taste, a translucent color, and a full-bodied taste without any annoying bitterness. The Square Tail Stout was quite nice too with its roasted flavor.
I watched some soccer on the flat screen TV even though I don’t understand why that ball is so worthy of running after.
To top off my drinking day, Rubber and I split a 16 oz Belgian Triple, which was so sweet that a couple of my precious gnome teeth rotted out right then and there.
My expert recommendation? Stop in for a Violet’s Blueberry 22 oz bomber to-go and hike around the mountains ’til a moat magically appears in a drunken hallucination.
Cheers!
Zookwinkle the drinking/traveling gnome