About Zookwinkle


My name Zookwinkle, and although I am most certainly a gnome, I sometimes mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay fine, so my skin tone is kind of green….it’s a medical condition and I’m seeking dermatology treatment SO LAY OFF! I am a true romantic at heart and love to give flowers and kisses to lady gnomes on the rare occasion I actually see one. And on the even rarer occasion that I get laid.

Gnome Sighting in Vermont Frog Shop!

While biking my little gnome legs around the Vermont countryside, I decided that antiquing would be the right thing to do. After all, all the cool (old) kids are doing it.

My first stop was Tinker’s Antique Barn. Turns out, bitches are closed on Wednesday. Out of all days, Wednesday? Why Wednesday, praytell? There very well may be gnomes living inside this barn. Must mark calendar to work around THEIR schedule. Hmmph.


After stopping to gas up at the local station, my next stop was The Green Frog, which was more of a gift shop than an antique shop. This just means stuff is newer. I’m okay with new stuff.


The was one, and only one, gnome living inside this store. We chatted for a moment or two, but he had a pretty narrow worldview and the conversation turned stale in a very short amount of time.


I had the owner take my mug shot by the iconic frog out front and I posed with my very best frog face.



Humans make that stupid kissy face. Well gnomes, I’m here to start a new trend….the frog face.


Ribbit ribbit,
Zookwinkle the Travel Gnome

Gnomes and Nude Canada Beaches


Perhaps you recall my recent love affair with the promised land of Canada. Along with my trusty monkey companion, Peso, I traveled to Vancouver and Squamish over in British Columbia. I’ve headed a little farther east this time and found myself in Toronto.

What a beautiful city this is! I spent all yesterday riding my little gnome bicycle around Toronto Island, which was a most magnificent park on the other side of a ferry ride.


Unbeknownst to me, my first pit stop happened to be a nude beach near Hanlan’s Point. I met a camel and a monkey…both were completely nude. I thought about shedding a few layers, but honestly I haven’t worked out in months and I’m terribly out of shape. Humans seemed to enjoy walking around in sandals and not much else though.

No one wants to see a gnome with rolls.

On my way back to the dorm-like cheap motel in Scarborough, I stopped at a Shoppers Drug Mart for ice cream. Although the tiny ice cream tubs were out of my daily budget, I did discover gnomes living here!


Canadian gnomes!

I rescued one particular gnome on a stick from captivity. He says his name is Scarborough McCown. He’s an ornithologist.

More (clothing optional) adventures to come!

Zookwinkle the traveling gnome

Gnomes Headed to Costa Rica!!!!!!!!!!!


G’day mateys!

280px-ArenallongYour resident travel gnome, Zookwinkle, here. I am pleased to inform you that I ONCE AGAIN have been invited on a journey! But this isn’t just any journey….this is a tropical and magical journey of magnificent proportions!

San_JoseBelieve it or not, I am currently on a flight to Costa Rica! We gnomes recently figured out how to schedule advance blog posts. Aint’ we smart?

My first stop is San Jose, where I will wander around the city trying to speak Spanish and find someplace to sleep and something alcoholic to drink. From there, I plan to grab a bus (gnomes aren’t allowed to rent cars internationally) to the Arenal Volcano area and La Fortuna. My first zip lining adventure is just days away! I also expect to see a good amount of monkeys and potentially bring one back home.

beachWith my new adopted monkey, I will then board another bus to the western coastline for some much-needed beach time. Have you seen how pasty my skin is lately? Don’t worry, my SPF 180 is packed and ready for action!

I fully intend to soak in some hot springs, hike the through the jungles, and be drunk the entire way.

Zip 1If any of you Costa Rican gnomes are reading this, HOLA! Me llamo Zookwinkle! Let me stay-o in your house-o for free-o?

My sources tell me that the South American interweb connections are sketchy for traveling gnomes like me, but I’ll send updates as much as gnomishly possible!

Have fun freezing your asses off suckas! I’m bound for 95-degrees and sunshine!

Zookwinkle the Travel Gnome

Zookwinkle Explores Canada Even More…Squamish Style!


I’m sure you’ve been wondering, and yup I’m still in the great land of Canada! Where in Canada, you ask? Good question, I say!

I’m in Squamish, which is said to be the ‘outdoor recreation capital of Canada’. Therefore, I’ve vowed to spend as much time in the outdoors as gnomishly possible.

It isn’t hard either because this place is freaking gorgeous…..hellooooooo photo shoot opportunities!

What a charming young fella, wouldn’t ya say?

And there are so many places for good gnome homes here. (Pssst! Hey King Jerry! How ’bout you pick up a lil’ real estate for The Abode residents out here?!?)

Speaking of gnome homes, I was starting to get super bummed that I couldn’t find any gnomes living in Canada. Anywhere in this huge nation! Just think of it…a gnomeless land. I take it back, don’t think of it. It’s just too preposterous.

After an afternoon of hardcore mountain biking, I went for a stroll along the downtown stretch towards the town’s brewery for my daily sippy sip. Lo and behold, what do I see in a quaint community garden? A tiny green hat poking through the leaves!

I squealed with delight and rushed over to greet my new Canadian best friend. Turns out his name was Dudley Somethingson and boy, did he ever have some great stories to tell!

Also turns out that he was appointed by the International Gnome Advisory Committee (IGAC) to maintain law and order over all of British Columbia. The whole providence! What a powerful gnome!

You’d think Mr. Somethingson would have an ego the size of a human with all that power and responsibility, but nooooo! He was so down to earth that I couldn’t help but sit and listen to his stories about winning rock climbing and whitewater kayaking championships in the past century.

Sigh…what a guy.

I was sad to leave my new buddy, Dudley, but I knew he had lots of important Canadian work to do. So I decided to drink my sorrows away…..as is the standard. Helloooooo Howe Sound Brewery!

This spot offered an excellent mountain view and brew combo. Peso came along. He’s alright I guess…for a monkey anyway.

He doesn’t speak or read shit for Canadian so I had to do all the work. Fortunately for him, beer work is my speciality. Besides, gnomes are inherently multi-lingual.

I picked out sample sizes for us to share of the Garibaldi Honey Pale Ale, Diamond Head Oatmeal Stout, Baldwin & Cooper Best Bitter, Whitecap Wheat Ale, Rail Ale Nut Brown, 4-Way Fruit Ale, and King Heffy Imperial Hefeweizen.

The 4-Way Fruit and the Hefeweizen were definitely my favorites and I helped myself to seconds….and thirds….and well, then I lost count. That monkey really needs to handle his liquor. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Hey Dudley, if you’re reading this: First off, congrats on gaining access to the Canadian Interweb! Second, shoot me an email when you get a chance regarding those article ideas we discussed. We’d love to have you featured as an international blog poster! Call me!!!

Zookwinkle The Traveling and Wanna-Be Canadian Gnome

Once upon a time, in a magical land of Canadian beer…


Zooks here. I was flipping through some photos from my most recent adventure today and was reminded some of the most beautiful things in life. Like Canadian beer!

Here’s a shot of Peso and I at the Granville Island Brewery. He was perpetually wasted at this point in the trip so I figure that I should be the one to tell about our tasting experience.

They call this a tasting map but call me crazy, I don’t think it looks like a map at all. Whatever, let’s drink!

Pale Ale – Eh, standard. I could take it or leave it. Not that I don’t like white people. I mean, they’re okay I guess.

Hereweizen – Always enjoyable, but again pretty standard. Is a heffer like a fat cow or something? Or a fat woman? Will someone please fill me in on the origin of this weird German word?

Island Lager – Okay sure, it’s kinda sorta an island, but it’s not like there’s hula girls brushing their hula skirts up against you when you drink this.

Maple Cream Ale – What an original Canadian concept! It was good, but not quite as good as I had hoped for. Smooth and creamy for sure. Screw those meal replacement health nut bars….I’ll replace my meals with a stash of these!

Honey Lager – I was worried there would be bees inside but there weren’t so I give this 3.5 out of 5 stars. Points were deducted due to fear and loathing.

Raspberry Ale – Light and fruity, as it should be. I’m embarrassed to say that I like fruity beers, but I do….so screw you all.

Ginger Beer – My favorite by far! And not to be confused with ‘ginger ale’ because that has no alcohol, and that is lame. Definitely a unique idea and a refreshing ginger-ish taste. Not too overpowering, but just enough of a hint of ginger to send me to the sushi bar.

Brockton IPA – I’m never a fan of IPAs but this one was actually drinkable. It was at this time I decided that I should drink IPAs when I am trying to not get drunk. Then I tried to come up with scenarios when I wouldn’t want to get drunk and I couldn’t think of any.

 And now….a few observations about the brewery!

  • They only allow you to order one pint or three samples of beer. WHAT THE HELL?! That’s nothing for seasoned liver destroyers like myself! Sure, the island is pretty family friendly, but that’s even MORE of a reason for a steady beer flow. Lighten up guys, sheesh.
  • All of the beers have low alcohol content. Another questionable move. See above observation for relevant suggestion.
  • All of the beers were super drinkable. GULP.
  • The brewery is set up more like a tasting room, with only minimal snack options but ample seating for your one-beer stop n’ chat.
  • People in Canada in freaking friendly!

Cheers and chug-a-lug!
Zookwinkle The Gnome