Author Archives: Zookwinkle

About Zookwinkle

 

My name Zookwinkle, and although I am most certainly a gnome, I sometimes mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay fine, so my skin tone is kind of green….it’s a medical condition and I’m seeking dermatology treatment SO LAY OFF! I am a true romantic at heart and love to give flowers and kisses to lady gnomes on the rare occasion I actually see one. And on the even rarer occasion that I get laid.

Zookwinkle is off to Canada! Eh?

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So. Not a single gnome from Thailand has gotten back to me in the last 24 hours. I guess it’s safe to assume no gnomes exist over there. A truly sad revelation.

Screw Thailand….I’m going to Canada!

I’ve been invited to tag along on a trip to Seattle, Vancouver, and Squamish for a fun-filled weekend! And I’ve heard rumors of city sightseeing, whitewater rafting, mountain biking, camping, bouldering, and breweries. The breweries sound alright at least.

I’ll be traveling with Gnomeplaya –

And Gnomecow –

And Peso –

And Big Hair The Texan Duck  –

I got my tiny suitcase packed full of grog and underpants for tonight’s departure. This is a totally significant trip for me because up until now, The Abode’s chief travel gnome was Sheldon.

As you may know, Sheldon was paralyzed during his last adventure and is jacked up and out of commission. Therefore, it is MY time to step in and step up to be the best goddamn travel gnome the world has ever seen!

So long, Sheldon….it is a new time and a new age and I have been appointed to carry the torch for the next generation of travel gnomes.

Stay tuned for Canadian updates in the days ahead!

Go Canada Go!
Zookwinkle The Travel Gnome

Are There Gnomes In Thailand?

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I woke up Sunday morning with a wretched hangover (no surprise) and some of the guys suggested going out for Thai food. I’d never had it before, but after three hours of straight up puking, I was willing to try anything to soak up that beer.

Our waitress was totally hot and I ordered the Japanese udon soup. I got yelled at by the guys for disrespecting Thailand for ditching them for the Japanese. However, I got mad props from the guys for acquiring the waitress’ number.

Much to my surprise, I was able to keep down the soup! So when the Leonardo suggested post-brunch elephant rides, I was all over it!

Unfortunately, my hangover stomach later ended up all over me. Sucked, but how the hell do you pass up an elephant ride when it’s offered?!

Since brunch, I’ve taken it upon myself to learn about Thailand in hopes of meeting more pretty ladies, riding more elephants, and eating more Japanese soup.

It occurred to me that I’ll need a place to stay when I go over there and have someone to show me around. However, I’m a little uneasy about the gnomes that live in Thailand.

Google tells me that Thai gnomes look like this:

Or like this….

 Or even this!

Are these REALLY gnomes? I mean, I’m not trying to be racist or anything, but they just don’t look like us! Can they be trusted?

If you’re a gnome and you’re Thai, please PLEASE message me! Let’s chat!

Muchas gracias (See! I’ve already been learning your language!)
Zookwinkle, the Hottest New Travel Gnome on the Circuit

Shhhhh! I’ve Escaped!!!

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Betcha didn’t expect to hear from me for awhile, did ya? Heh. Well ya wanna know why? Of course you do. I ask such pointless questions sometimes. I busted outta that jail cell, bitches!

Screw this gnome police state! Whatever happened to that whole “innocent until proven guilty” bullshit?!

Jail sucked.

I was put this tiny cell because the guard said I was a “tiny gnome”. I am NOT a tiny gnome. I’m totally average. I could show him a tiny gnome. I could beat his ass into a tiny gnome. He was pretty freaking big, but whatever. Jerk. He never went anywhere with his guard frog, who had vicious fangs and a devious smirk.

My vision was kinda blurry from all the flogging and waterboarding, but I SWEAR he had a stamp on his foot identifying him as a bobblehead. I mean he did nod a lot. But there’s a fine line between being a “Yes Man” and a “bobblehead”

The guard wasn’t the only one who was mean to me. The other inmates just pointed and laughed. This one called himself, Cowabunga, and apparently he was locked up on a 5th degree murder charge. I’m not even sure what I’m being locked up for. My cellmate thought this was simply hilarious. I’ll 5th degree murder him. Wait. I didn’t say that. Strike the record.

I hit a breaking point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I worked a bit of magic (NO I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF MAGIC OR SPECIFICALLY WHAT I DID) and suddenly, I was riding a buffalo towards freedom!

I’m not exactly sure where my buffalo and I will go, but we have escaped the law. The buffalo roams free! The Zookwinkle roams free!

Like an idiot, I didn’t steal a copy of my paperwork before we rode off into the sunset, so I still don’t have a clue why I was arrested. Perhaps it has something to do with that monkey and the can of spray paint last weekend? If not, nevermind. Strike the record.

Zookwinkle The Gnome

African American Gnome Sighting in Minnesota Provokes Questions About Gnome Diversity

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Minnesota. Heh. Of all places. Who would have thought an African American gnome would be spotted in that frigid wasteland?!

Shout out to our newest Gnome Scout, Nannerpuss, for this amazing gnome sighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nannerpuss’ rare gnome sighting provokes a lot of unsettling questions in our modern gnomish society. Where is the diversity?

Why is seeing an African American gnome such a rarity? Why is it worthy of an entire post devoted to it? Where are the Chinese gnomes? Where are the Hispanic gnomes? Why is so there so much goddamn Whiteness going on?!?

The gnome in this photo is considerably larger than most of our gnomes in The Gnome Abode. For pete’s sake, the top of his cap almost reaches the roof! Is he a different species of gnome? Are there not only different races, but also different species?! Where are they? How can we co-mingle with them and make beautiful mixed race/species gnome hybrid babies?! Assuming their races/species have more chick gnomes than we do, of course.

Somebody has to know something! Somebody answer this post! Especially if you’re a minority! Look at me! My skin color is kinda green. See! Take a closer look! I’m one of you! Take me with you! I won’t let whitey get ya down!

Oh my god, this is so disturbing. I’m so distraught. I’m never going to be able to sleep. I can’t believe this issue has never been raised by anyone in the history of gnomekind as we know it! Why am I the one plagued with the responsibility of solving this gnomewide diversity issue?!

I need a glass of wine and a shot  of NyQuil.

Signing off until the next gnome sighting,

Zookwinkle The Gnome

Congratulations to Chazazz…our 2nd Gnome Scout hire!

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Shout out to Chazaaz….our latest Gnome Scout hired here at www.thedrunkgnome.com!

Chazazz submitted a photo of himself on a typical workday and enclosed a Werther’s Original candy in his resume envelope. Chazaaz is a Scorpio, spends his time gambling at riverboat blackjack tables, and cries during reality shows about fat people.

 

 

Chazzaz submitted this gnome sighting while walking on stilts while walking to the park. One of his pant legs was oh-so-unfashionable rolled up on the edge. When he leaned down to straighten it out in front of a house with a white picket fence, THIS IS WHAT HE SAW!

Sneaky lil’ bugga….thinking no one would him through the leaves. Bah!

Chazazz spent a peaceful day frighting little children in the park by asking if he could draw their portrait. After his work in the park came to an end, he walked back to his home in the circus tent.

About half way through his walk, he heard footsteps behind him and became frightened. The neighborhood bullies always chased him if he was on their turf near the schoolyard after 3pm. Chazazz whipped his head around to see how close behind the bullies were. He snapped this photo just as his untied shoelace got stuck under his other shoe. Not unexpectedly, the bullies caught up to him as he was lying on the cold, hard concrete.

No one can really be sure of what Chazazz saw when he turned around that day, but barely even looks like a gnome. Perhaps that is why Chazazz was so stunned and why he lost control of his swift bodily movements.

What we can be sure of is that Chazazz will need some recovery time in the ICU before he’ll be sharing any more pictures with us as a Gnome Scout.

Tiddilywinks and butterflies,

Zookwinkle The Gnome