As some of you may recall, I suffer from a serious disorder that causes me to produce brilliant works on art in my sleep while completely unconscious. This morning I woke up with an average level hangover and a pile of drool on my pillow.

Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Wrong.

Look who I woke up next to! Okay, so I woke up next to a drawing on a piece of paper of her, not the real life tangible version of her. Irregardlessly, isn’t is beautiful? She’s ridding a white rabbit just like me! We have so much in common already that I feel that she already understands me and I don’t even know her name. Sure, there may be some racial tension once our families meet. She’s clearly a green-skinned alien of some sort and I’m clearly a stubby little garden gnome. But I am a romantic and I believe true love can overcome all obstacles…even unreasonable ones such as these.

I am willing to fight to the death against those weird flying balloon shaped thingies with glowing eyes just to be with her. Now come the hard part….finding out who she is and where she is. Hmm. Surely, she must exist outside of my realm of unconsciousness. This feels too real to be unreal.

I’ve put together one of those “missed connections” ads for the International Gnome Club Newsletter in the off chance that we actually did pass each other in the conscious world and make a real connection. Here’s what I got so far….what do you think?

“You: A flat piece of paper depicting a beautiful alien riding a bunny .

Me: The lovestruck gnome on a bunny you woke up next to this morning. 

Your flowing crimson hair captivates me and makes me wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. We are soul mates. Our bunnies are soul mates.

I propose we meet on Easter Sunday. Then I propose marriage to you. Then I propose coloring some Easter eggs and hiding them in my backyard for our honeymoon.  

Surely, you feel the strength of our connection. And although I am posting this in the ‘Missed Connections’ section of the newsletter, I sure hope I haven’t missed you forever. I will be shamelessly drooling over and masturbating to your picture day and night until Easter Sunday.

True Love Always and Forever,

Pablo The Gnome”

Some people suffer from a condition where they walk in their sleep, also known as somnambulism.

Other people suffer from a condition where they fall asleep at random times, also known as narcolepsy.

Still other people suffer from a condition where they eat in their sleep, also known as parasomnia.

Well gnomes don’t suffer from any of those conditions. We have a predisposition to suffer from a condition far worse…..sleep drawing, also known as penangeling.

It’s true. I seem to have developed this common gnome condition where I draw in my sleep. I saw a flyer for a penangeling support group on a light post the other day, but back then I was too naive to think it would ever happen to me.

Then in an instant, my life changed. This morning I woke up at the sound of my alarm, peeled off my eye mash, pushed my snuggly stuffed bunny to the side, and found this monstrosity on the pillow next to me. What the hell is this?! What does it mean! I’ve never even been to South Dakota! Those drops of blood are making me squeamish!

I’ve spent all day scouring the Interweb for an explanation of what the hell my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. This is what Dream Forth (http://www.dreamforth.com/) tells me:

To dream of a hammer suggests hardiness, power, control, and other male values. To dream of the direction south symbolizes anticipation, existence, and uncertainty. To dream about a dragon suggests that you allow your desires and emotions get the best of you.

So…. I’m getting too emotional about the uncertainty of my power? I’m confused. If there are any dream analyst experts out there reading this, please weigh in. I beg you, please. I’m scared to go to sleep tonight for fear of what I will find that I drew tomorrow morning.

Anxiously throwing all of my art supplies into the recycling bin,

Pablo The Gnome

Check out pages 200 and 201. Sure the link looks intimidating, but you won’t regret it. I command you! DO IT!

For the love of all that is holy and gnomish in the world, would someone please help me make these?

http://books.google.com/books?id=WSYITbzBWRMC&pg=PA200&lpg=PA200&dq=Karen+tack+gnome&source=bl&ots=xRvJ8PRzKp&sig=Ryl5aR44CCRqujmgsdbJh5l7dPI&hl=en&sa=X&ei=76peT4_LGtLTgAfHmo2ECA&ved=0CCMQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

I know I’ve never been the most domestic gnome by any means, but a fond old roommate of mine sent me this link and I am truly inspired. The last cupcake I made about ten years ago looked something like this. As you can see I need some serious help.

Sheldon was just reading over my shoulder (I HATE when he does that) and says that eating gnome-shaped desserts is a slippery slope to a downward spiral of cannibalism. I pointed out that cannibalism is typically only used in terms of humans, and obviously we aren’t human. Therefore, since there is no such word in the dictionary as “gnomabilism”, I win this argument and I can make my cupcakes with a clear conscious.

Contact me anytime, day or night, if you can provide some artistic guidance help making my baking wishes come true. Please, freaking please.

Sugary sweet rotten teeth of pure bliss,

Caesar the Gnome

As you well know, gnomes are crafty lil’ bastards. I like to think I’m the craftiest of us all. I am a free spirit. I blow where the wind takes me. I create works of art to bring smiles to strangers faces and to keep my wallet full enough to travel from one destination to the next.

An acquaintance gnome I met at pottery class sent me a video about how to make your own earrings! Check it out!

After hours of stabbing myself with pliers too large for my tiny hands and getting burned on on metal  welding thing-a-majigs that are scary as shit….I have created my first pair of earrings! Eat your heart out, Juicy Couture.

Yes they are gnomes holding lanterns!

No, I don’t have my ears pierced. But that leads me to my next project for this afternoon…..self-piercing! Anyone want to come over and be my guinea-gnome? I’m sure they’ll look almost as amazing on you as they do on me.

~ Peace, love, harmony, earrings ~

Cowabunga the Gnome

Savior Gnome Rescuing Manatee From Evil Gnome

This masterpiece is not intended for the faint of heart. Rating PG-13. Kids turn your computers off and go find a swing set.

You may have heard rumors about manatee abuse and the guide companies that support it. On my daily 5am swim with the sea cows, I spied an deformed looking creature hiding in the bushes. He was an evil gnome! He had a gun! And he was pointing it at Suzette, my most favorite manatee in the whole wide world.

BANG BANG BANG!

He got her! NO! He got her!!!!

I had to think quick on my feet. I gnawed off an anchor rope from a nearby tour guide boat with my tiny gnome teeth, threw the lasso around Suzette, and climbed on top of her. Suzette was so brave! If I had just a fraction of her braveness, I would have totally joined that fraternity back in undergrad.

I am thrilled to report that due to the best medical attention available in the Homosassa River, Suzette has made a full recovery. We are toasting with champagne at this very moment as she reads this blog post over my shoulder. She is considering getting some sort tattoo design around her gunshot wound scar as in remembrance of the dichotomy of good and evil in the world.

I find my remembrance by exhibiting my masterful work of art in the Shovel and Rake Gallery in Greenwich Village. Hours and location details will be available when I feel like showing up there.

Artistically yours in life and death,

Jerry the Gnome