Category Archives: Gnome Brew Review

Gnomes’ palates are among the best of the world. In this site, I plan to provide you with review of each and every adult beverage that I become intoxicated on. You’re welcome in advance.

Once upon a time, in a magical land of Canadian beer…

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Zooks here. I was flipping through some photos from my most recent adventure today and was reminded some of the most beautiful things in life. Like Canadian beer!

Here’s a shot of Peso and I at the Granville Island Brewery. He was perpetually wasted at this point in the trip so I figure that I should be the one to tell about our tasting experience.

They call this a tasting map but call me crazy, I don’t think it looks like a map at all. Whatever, let’s drink!

Pale Ale – Eh, standard. I could take it or leave it. Not that I don’t like white people. I mean, they’re okay I guess.

Hereweizen – Always enjoyable, but again pretty standard. Is a heffer like a fat cow or something? Or a fat woman? Will someone please fill me in on the origin of this weird German word?

Island Lager – Okay sure, it’s kinda sorta an island, but it’s not like there’s hula girls brushing their hula skirts up against you when you drink this.

Maple Cream Ale – What an original Canadian concept! It was good, but not quite as good as I had hoped for. Smooth and creamy for sure. Screw those meal replacement health nut bars….I’ll replace my meals with a stash of these!

Honey Lager – I was worried there would be bees inside but there weren’t so I give this 3.5 out of 5 stars. Points were deducted due to fear and loathing.

Raspberry Ale – Light and fruity, as it should be. I’m embarrassed to say that I like fruity beers, but I do….so screw you all.

Ginger Beer – My favorite by far! And not to be confused with ‘ginger ale’ because that has no alcohol, and that is lame. Definitely a unique idea and a refreshing ginger-ish taste. Not too overpowering, but just enough of a hint of ginger to send me to the sushi bar.

Brockton IPA – I’m never a fan of IPAs but this one was actually drinkable. It was at this time I decided that I should drink IPAs when I am trying to not get drunk. Then I tried to come up with scenarios when I wouldn’t want to get drunk and I couldn’t think of any.

 And now….a few observations about the brewery!

  • They only allow you to order one pint or three samples of beer. WHAT THE HELL?! That’s nothing for seasoned liver destroyers like myself! Sure, the island is pretty family friendly, but that’s even MORE of a reason for a steady beer flow. Lighten up guys, sheesh.
  • All of the beers have low alcohol content. Another questionable move. See above observation for relevant suggestion.
  • All of the beers were super drinkable. GULP.
  • The brewery is set up more like a tasting room, with only minimal snack options but ample seating for your one-beer stop n’ chat.
  • People in Canada in freaking friendly!

Cheers and chug-a-lug!
Zookwinkle The Gnome

Peso’s Spanish/English Review of Freemont Brewery (Seattle, WA)

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ENGLISH TRANSLATION (with pictures!)

Hey guys, Peso here. I’ve been hanging out with Zookwinkle a lot lately. He’s a ‘travel gnome’ and I’m a ‘travel monkey’. So you see, it kinda works out.

He’s a way better writer than I am, but I have stuff to say too. It’s mostly in Spanish, so Zook helped me with the translation. So hooray! Monkeys!

I’ve recently started drinking beer! Hooray! Drinking beer helps me get along with Zookwinkle when he gets on my nerves.

We traveled to Seattle together and stopped for beer at the Freemont Brewery. They told us that Prohibition had ended…ended at last! What great news! Hooray!

We bought something called a “growler“. It didn’t really growl at all actually. I was surprised they even sold it to us. But they did, and it was filled with beer. Hooray!

This is what we got a growler of, the Dark Star Oatmeal Stout. It was delicious!

Dark Star Imperial Oatmeal Stout Roasty, chocolate tones swirled with oatmeal smoothness and dark as the night. The Dark Star crashes, pouring its light into ashes, so follow as the Lady of Velvet in the nights of goodbye. This one is too smooth…and at 8.0% ABV, dangerous.

Down & Dirty: 2-Row, Roast Barley, Crystal-60, Chocolate, & Carafa-2 malts with Flaked Oats and Magnum, Wilamette & Cascade hops. 8.0% ABV

 

The brewery had fun games for monkeys to play and ride on! Playgrounds are one of my favorite things ever!

Zookwinkle is poking me in the ear and telling me to wrap up this post because I’m getting off topic. What’s a topic?

Beer!

Peso

 

 

 

 

VERSIÓN ESPAÑOLA ORIGINAL (sin photos)

Hola chicos, Peso aquí. He estado saliendo con Zookwinkle mucho últimamente. Es un “viaje gnome ‘y yo soy un” mono de viaje “. Así que ya ves, es algo funciona.

Él es un escritor mucho mejor que yo, pero tengo cosas que decir también. Es sobre todo en español, así que Zook me ayudó con la traducción. Así que ¡Hurra! Monkeys!

Recientemente he comenzado a beber cerveza! ¡Hurra! Beber cerveza ayuda a llevarse bien con Zookwinkle cuando se pone de los nervios.

Viajamos a Seattle y se detuvo junto a la cerveza en la cervecería Freemont. Nos dijeron que la Prohibición había terminado … terminado por fin! Qué gran noticia! ¡Hurra!

Compramos algo que se llama un “gruñón”. En realidad no gruñido nada en realidad. Me sorprendió que incluso se lo vendió a nosotros. Pero lo hicieron, y que estaba lleno de cerveza. ¡Hurra!

Esto es lo que nos dieron un gruñón de la Estrella Oscura Stout Imperial. Estaba delicioso!

La cervecería tiene juegos divertidos para jugar y monos cabalgando! Parques infantiles son una de mis cosas favoritas!

Zookwinkle me está metiendo en la oreja y me dijo para concluir este post porque me estoy saliendo del tema. ¿Qué es un tema?

Cerveza!

Peso
 

Climbing to California and Drinking to Belgium

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My brother and awesome gnome rock climbing champion, Horace, let me tag along with him to his favorite climbing gym and post-climbing beers.

His gym, Vertical Endeavors, has daily specials for ‘student night’, ‘ladies night’, and ‘gnome night. Horace taught me how to belay and I only dropped him twice! Fortunately, he’s developed a lot of ceramic callouses from climbing so much and sustained only minor scratches and dents. He successfully climbed his first ever 5.10c. Numbers? Letters? I have no idea what that means, but he seemed pretty dang pleased with himself.

I got about 3 inches off the ground, which I was pretty dang pleased about considering that I’m about 3 inches tall.

He tells me that I’d better step up my game though because his goal is to climb the Gnome Dome in the San Bernardino Mountains of California by the end of the year. Oh boy.

Apparently post-climbing beers are mandatory in climbing culture. I can get on board with that!

We went to a bar called World of Beer, and oh what a splendid time we had! Being the “play it on the safe side” kind of gnome, that I am, I ordered one of my all-time favorites, Delirium Tremens. That silly pink elephant gets me every time!

My adventurous brother ordered a draft of Greenbush Loudmouth Soup. “Soup?” I asked him….”Soup!?”.

He smiled, nodded and fished out a handful of mushrooms to pay for our beers.

He let me take a sip of his soup, which tasted nothing like any soup I’ve ever had before. From this moment forward, I will be open-minded enough to drink any and all kinds of soup presented to me.

Since it was a Thursday night and we both had to work in the morning, Horace decided that we shouldn’t get wasted. He must know best. But I did want to get wasted. Sometimes having a big brother is a pain in the ass.

For desert, we got some odd “mixed beer” that had a chocolate beer and and orange beer. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept and I still can’t. Stop making me try….my head hurts, okay?

As the server was bringing us our bill, I spotted something red and pointy out of the corner of my eye. Our favorite brewery, La Chouffe, had their sign hung behind the bar! There was also a gnome dude hanging out on a shelf above the taps who looked exactly like the famous La Chouffe gnome from Belgium! (An impersonator, perhaps?)

What a gnome-friendly bar! Next, I must find my way to California and to Belgium! But…how?

Happy Friday!
Doors Open on the Left at Clark and Lake, The Gnome

Why Three Floyds Brewery Needs To Just Die

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1. Impossible to get in

For the second time, I had to give up on getting in this so-called beer
establishment. What is this…a goddamn night club?!

2. Assholes & douche bags run the place

Talk to anyone there and the words “asshole” and “douche” just roll right off the tongue like molasses. The door guy? Asshole. The dude pouring beer? Douche.

The bartender? The waitress?  I wouldn’t know because I can’t get in. I’m sure he’s an asshole and she’s a douche though.

3. Overly hoppy beer

If I wanted to drink a plant, I’d go have a salad. Tone it down Floyd, Floyd, and Floyd….my taste buds want to punch you in the ear.

4. It’s always raining in Munster, Indiana

I gotta wait outside for at least an hour while they  muddle through other gnomes’ sub par service? Waiting outside in the rain?! As if Munster, Indiana wasn’t depressing enough already!

5. Indiana

Enough said.

6. Pretentious attitude

These bitches need to get off their high horse and actually do their job. So what if you’ve had a couple decent reviews. Here’s a crappy review! Take this and shove it underneath your upcoming “going out of business” sign!

7. Website hurts my eyes

So many bright colors. Why? Why is this necessary? I’m hungover and my eyes are  dripping from infectious tears, not only from your bright colors, but also from the sight of your sorry asses.

8. Impossible to get a growler filled

Once I gave up waiting to get a table, I thought I could at least get a growler of beer filled in the line on the side of the restaurant. Boy, was I wrong! Dude pouring beer looked like he had never seen a tap before.

After what seemed like days of endless waiting while he counted how many letter “A’s” were printed on his paycheck stub, I had to give up getting a growler fill too. Beerless! GAH!

9. No drinking while waiting

The least you douches could do is let me get wasted on your shitty beer while I wait for hours to get seated in your shitty restaurant. But NooooOOOOoooooo. I have to wait around outside in the rain, stone cold sober?!

You’re located in an office park full of cars! C’mon. What’s the worst that could happen?

10. T-shirts don’t come in gnome sizes

Human sizes small, medium, and large? That’s it? Really? Wow. Can you not figure out how to run the numbers and see what percentage of your customers are gnomes?I’m not good at math, but it’s freaking high!

Yet you STILL refuse to accommodate “our kind”. Who do you think you are? Chick-Fil-A?!

Die,

Caesar The Gnome

Monkey/Horse/Canoe/Wheelbarrow Whatnot In Wisconsin

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Now that The Gnome Abode is finally back to a point of stability after the brutal takeover of the evil St. Bastille Day (whose birthday is this Saturday! Everyone be sure to send presents!), I can finally post about my recent Wisconsin vacation. As you may recall, I won the lottery to accompany Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a magical journey to Devil’s Lake. Oooooo…sounds scary….I know.

We stayed at the Wheeler Campground, which was awesome. The owners were awesome, the camp store was awesome, the shower facilities were awesome, and the secluded woodsy campsite was awesome. Need I explain any more awesomeness!

I did have to share my tent with the monkeys: Happy, Fatty, and Nappy. Fatty was actually “acquired” on this Wisconsin trip at a magical place called Wal-Mart. Nappy was born there too. They must be distantly related somehow. I dont’ really get monkey genetics. Irregardlessly, the monkeys are alright folk. They get annoying from time to time, but overall they are excellent playmates.

Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow went on a rock climbing adventure, which I promptly declined to join. A fat, sleepy gnome climbing rocks? No thank you. I demanded wheelbarrow transport from one destination to another.

I did decide to join the others on a horseback riding adventure. Look at me in the saddle! Who knew that gnomes and horses could get along?! I plan to write up a pitch to The Gnome Abode Board of Directors to petition for a pet horse. I really think it would boost morale for all of us.

Horses’ asses are pretty soft too. I never fell off even once!

More reluctantly, I joined the others on a canoe/fishing trip. I brought along some Swedish Fish for bait. Hysterical laughter ensued.  No fish were caught. And this will likely be my first and last fishing trip. Don’t think I didn’t hear about what happened to Seamus! That poor bastard and his lack of feet. Sigh.

Fortunately, the trip ended with my favorite part of traveling….BOOZE! Look at me here with a craft beer sampler platter.from Water Street Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin: http://www.waterstreetbrewery.com/

Sampler platters are the BEST because I don’t have to make up my mind and the glasses are gnome-sized. I was eh so-so about all the beers I tasted here. Nothing was significant and nothing stuck in my memory as being amazing (see above reference to Wheeler Campground for a good definition of amazing).

I felt very welcome in Wisconsin….the tents, the monkeys, the horses, the Swedish fish, and the mediocre beer.

This was my first out-of-state trip EVER! Seamus will be so jealous and Sheldon won’t give a fuck b/c he’s probably doing something way more amazing and we all hate him.

Peace out,

Maurice The Gnome