Good evenings, fellow gnomes. I felt the pressing need to report a news update to you at this late hour.

Perhaps you were following our prior story about gnomes popping up in weird places in Southern Ontario. A group of gnomes were displaced from their homes, renamed via green tape, and relocated to the town’s water treatment plant in the middle of the night.

Well, these gnomes have started being reunited with their owners. Roberta Smith was reunited with Gerome and welcomed him home with a shower and a blow dry.

Locals are looking for answers as to where their gnomes have run off to and why they suddenly decided to return. To find their answers, the gnomes have turned to literature.

Gnomes in the area are citing striking similarities in these recent happenings to a book titled, Hector and the Small People. Author and Celtic Connection gift shop owner, Mary McGillis, wrote this book that begins in an eerily similar way.

Are the perpetrators literate?

Are they Irish?

Police in Parry Sound are continuing their investigation. Anyone with information or who has reported a gnome stolen in the past is asked to contact Const. Aaron Jeffery 705-746-4225, or 1-888-310-1122.

Pleasantly unstolen,
The Book of Genesis the Gnome

Find out more about McGillis’ novel, Hector and the Little People, at www.marymcgillis.com.

Literate gnomes around the world! Behold!

I have come across a text that documents the distant history of gnomes…far more distant than any text has before!

Cue Garden Gnomes: A History by Dr. Twigs Way. Yes, a doctor…a real, life doctor. No offense, Dr. A Chu.

Sir Way tells the tale of Priapus, an ancient phallic fertility god, which popped up all over gardens in ancient Rome. Priapus is known for his absurdly over-sized erection. Ouch ladies, all I have to say is ouch. Ahem.

This well-endowed god was mostly worshiped in gardens and statues of him lined the gardens of everyone wishing for a fruitful harvest.

Take a look at these statues. Totally gnome-like, don’t you think? Not sure where the statue’s erection ran off to though…

Apparently, there’s also a medical condition called priapism, that derives its name from Priapus and alludes to the god’s permanently engorged….well, you know.

This discovery poses a whole bunch of questions for us gnomes. Do we have special god-like abilities we’ve never known about? Should we be speaking Italian right now?

For even more historic discoveries, check out Dr. Way’s BBC article. I started reading it, but then just couldn’t get past the whole phallic god thing without further investigation.

Ya learn something every day….
The Quick Brown Fox the gnome