Category Archives: Gnome Literature

HOT OFF THE PRESS: The International Gnome Club Newsletter, 2013, Vol. 1

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It’s the moment all you gnomes have been waiting for….the release of the latest and greatest International Gnome Club Newsletter! Editor, Liz Spera, just released the first edition for 2013 and it looks great!

International gnome

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Gnomeplaya’s contributing articles are on pages 2 and 6…check ’em out! Gnome expert, Jean Fenstermaker, has some great articles in this edition too, so you won’t want to miss hers either.

And if you like what you see, YOU TOO can be part of the International Gnome Club! Benefits of being in the club means staying on top of all gnome-related news and getting the opportunity to be a contributing writer as well. It’s definitely more rewarding and more awesome than any other club you could ever hope to join in 3.5 lifetimes. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Join the International Gnome Club now..NOW, BITCHES!

Enjoy reading our newsletter and I’ll see ya’ll in da club.

Peace out,
DJ Spaghetti Sauce, The Gnome

Toadstools and Technology! – Gnome Literature Series

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Happy Friday, gnome fans!

Before you get drunk and more stupid than you usually are, allow me to school you for just one brief moment. Today’s “Gnome Literature Series” focuses on two things that have nothing in common besides alliteration….toadstools and technology.

Exhibit A:

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The Cliff’s Notes

  • Gnomes use toadstools for seats, umbrellas, houses, and photocopies.
  • Gnomes compensate toadstools by keeping them clean and sharing food with them.
  • It is still a mystery whether gnomes choose to reside near toadstools or whether toadstools just naturally grown near gnomes.

Exhibit B:

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The Cliff’s Notes

  • Gnomes hate MP3 players (do humans even still use these?), laptops, and electric can openers. 
  • Gnomes approve the use of automatic pointy hat starchers, which are powered by natural streams or magic, or batteries.

Okay, you’re less dumb now. Go drink yourself stupid.

Tootaloo,
The Quick Brown Fox

Love and Music – Gnome Literature Series

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Almost a month has passed since that human holiday of Valentines day….are your ears still ringing with love and music?

Yeah, neither are ours. Thank god, that sounds like the path to a serious medical condition. But on a healthier and more reasonable, note, love and music are the topics of today’s edition of the GNOME LITERATURE SERIES!

Gnomes like to hookup just as much, if not more than humans do. Here’s the down & dirty on gnome love….

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THE CLIFF’S NOTES

  • Gnome courtship is awkward
  • Gnomes refuse to pick flowers because it’s the same as murder
  • Mushrooms make chocolate better
  • Beard kissing is likely to occur

Music isn’t just to lure members of the opposite sex, but it sure does help! This ain’t your average 5th grade band class…

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THE CLIFF’S NOTES

  • The gnomish instrument of choice is the gnomecordian
  • Beards are a useful tool in playing the gnomecordian
  • Beard entanglement often occurs after performances 

Hmm…we have a few of our own musicians around The Gnome Abode who might beg to differ on this whole gnomecordian concept. I hereby call upon gnome band, Amish Meth Lab, gnome rapper, Lil’ Dimwit, and gnome DJ, Spaghetti Sauce, to supplement this book on more modern forms of gnome music. Thanks guys.

Tootaloo!
The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome

Hats & Hobbies! – Gnome Literature Series

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Have you been keeping up with your reading assignments, gnomies?

Do I need to remind you yet again of you first Gnomish literature assignment?

Tisk tisk. Tis all I need to say is TISK FREAKING TISK. Guess I need to catch you all up to speed then, don’t I?

Well the first lesson in Gnomes: Small, Fat, and Fabulous is about GNOME HATS! Hats are probably the most identifying characteristic of gnomes. Therefore, it’s super important that our hats are in tip top shape.

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HIGHLIGHTS ABOUT GNOME HATS

  • Gnome hats date back 400 years
  • Ice cream cones can be used as hat substitutes
  • Gnomes oftentimes hide warm pie in their hats

Get it? Got it? Good.

Time to move on to Chapter 2…gnome hobbies! Yep, we got plenty of ’em, so listen up!

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HIGHLIGHTS ABOUT GNOME HOBBIES

  • Playing electric bagpipes
  • Learning to speak frog languages
  • Joyriding on your lawn mower

Until next time, keep your brain cells moving, gnomes. It’s the only way we can continue getting drunk for the next couple hundred years!

Your literary guru,
The Quick Brown Fox

Gnome Literature Series: “The Gnome: Small, Fat, and Fabulous”

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Howdy ho…your gnomish librarian, The Quick Brown Fox, here! You’ve probably read some of my book reviews and brilliant commentary about gnomish literature. Well, in the spirit of gnome education, I am starting a new initiative today!

THE GNOME LITERATURE SERIES!

The first book that will be featured in the series is called The Gnome: Small, Fat, and Fabulous”. All books in the series will be highly educational and teach you everything you want to know and MORE about US!

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Your very own copy of Joel Jessup’s masterpiece can be aquired through the Interweb.

Published in August 2011, “The Gnome is the essential field guide to these magical garden-dwellers, produced after years of undercover research and exhaustive interviews conducted with gnomes in their natural habitat. Packed full of fascinating gnome facts, funny captions, and over 100 charming images of adorable gnomes, this book is ideal for all gnome enthusiasts.”

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I’ll be featuring each informative section, one by one, in the days ahead. Where better to start than the introduction!

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KEY POINTS TO ADD TO YOUR CHEAT SHEET

  • Gnomes are popular and nonthreatening
  • Santa is an over-sized freak show of a gnome who likes cold climates
  • Gnomes were first spotted by humans in late 19th Century Germany
  • Gnomes were uncooperative in the interview process for this book
  • Gnowledge and gnomsense are legitimate words

Signing off,
The Quick Brown Fox, the gnome