Spend your Friday Night at Gnomecino Casino!

That slutty little gnome girl I picked up at the pool seems to be working out okay after all. I put her in charge of running the diner at my casino and business has been booming lately!

I have noticed that all the diner patrons are horny old men though. Now I don’t have a problem with that AT ALL because that’s the type of clientele that makes Gnomecino Casino some serious cash. Roxy made a couple complaints (which is strictly forbidden in the contract she signed, but I let this one slide) that the diners wouldn’t stop grabbing her boobs.

I tell her….Roxy! Cover ’em up and they won’t get grabbed. She tells me….Humps! If I cover them up we’ll go out of business!

Point Roxy.

So I hired a bodyguard for her. This badass gnome is from Austin, Texas and rides a duck around. Rumor has it that his duck has trampled gnomes three times his size. Those webbed feet are MAGIC.

He had some weird cowboy name that was stupid so I’m in the process of re-naming him.

If you’re planning to stop by the casino tonight, be sure to check out our live show on the main stage. I don’t know who these fools are, but apparently some gangbanger who goes by “Lil’ Dimwit” is rapping along side some random ass band called “Amish Meth Lab”. I have no idea what to expect.

I’m sure no one else has heard of them either so come by and fill a seat whydontcha. I’ll throw in a free watered down margarita to the first 5 gnomes who show up.

Later bitches,

Humps the Gnome

Amish Meth Lab makes a comeback in Seattle with Rap Aspirations

Life has been grim for the members of Amish Meth Lab in recent days. No venues have returned our calls. We haven’t showered or shaved in weeks. No one has gotten laid in awhile. And we pretty much all hate each other.

I also made the tragic mistake of letting Ringo drive the tour van for awhile. Lo and behold, here we are in Seattle! Seattle?! This is in the complete opposite direction that we were heading.

But eh. I’ve heard Seattle is good for bands. It worked for Nirvana. Er, maybe it didn’t. Hmm. Moving on.

Harrison said he knew a mini gnome that worked at an Asian bakery in Seattle that might be able to hook us up with some food and a place to stay. We stopped in at the bakery and turns out he’s a greeter at the front door. You might not even be able to see him very well in this picture….he’s hiding inside the basket that the creepy marshmallow dude is holding.

Anyway the little dude, who called himself Pocahoncho, slipped us some delicious puff pastries from the outer edges of the trash bins. There were raspberry pastries, chocolate pastries….you name it! Trash had never tasted so scrumptious!

Harrison asked Pocahoncho if he had some floor space we could crash on for the night so we could get out of the van for a little while. Unfortunately, Pocahoncho was somewhat homeless himself and just slept in the broom closet between his shifts.

He said he knew a guy who knew a guy who was once a body guard for the famous rapper named Lil’ Dimwit. The body guard was the only gnome Pocahoncho knew who owned his own place in Seattle. He made a few calls and within an hour, this former body guard gnome in a wonderfully sketchy neighborhood opened his door to us. Cockroaches are like butterflies in some cultures, I’m told.

The guys and I have been lying awake all night brushing off the roaches and talking about how having a rapper in the group might be just the thing we need. I mean, we’re already fusing together the most brilliant sounds of reggae, hard rock, and jazz. Perhaps what we’re missing is a rap component. We’re getting pretty desperate so we’re actually pretty willing to try anything.

Viva la rap!

Assuming we survive the night without getting shot, our next plan is to coerce this body guard host into revealing the location of aforementioned rapper in order to join forces and make big BIG success!

Jigga jigga what (yells the thug)

Der der der der der der der der der – (plays the banjo)’

McCartney The Gnome and Lead Everything of Amish Meth Lab


“Bitches n’ Hos” ~ Lil’ Dimwit’s latest rap single! You heard it here first!

Bitches n’ hos. Meet the bitch of my dreams and turns out she’s a ho. Tough shit, right? Aw shut yo face, I don’t even know you.

She called herself Racy or Roxy or somethin’. I picked her up hitchin’ cuz she had a nice rack. I grabbed ’em when traffic got shitty and they were pretty alright. Made a piss stop in Vegas today. But get this. I get back to my sweet ride and bitch went gone.

She pulled all this voodoo shit on me while we was high in the desert. Made me think she was my soul mate and some shit. Well never again.Silly go dropped her ID between the seats so now I definitely know her name is Roxy. Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. from some shithole called The Gnome Abode.

I drove around pissed off for awhile ’til I saw some schmuck with i-Phone and beat his head in so I would use his 3G and Facebook stalk her. You’ll shit yourself when I tell you what I found when I found her name…


Bitch has a blog! Ho totally ditched me and is shackin’ up with some sugar daddy who could never treat a lady gnome right like I do. But if that’s what ho’s gonna do, then that’s what ho’s gonna do.

Whatever, I’m headed to L.A. anyway. My fans are probably freaking out where I’m at. Oh wait. I got an iPhone now. I can totally Tweet.

The only credit I’ll give Miss Roxy Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. is that she totally inspired my new rap single. Check it.

Bitches n’ Hos – Bitches n’ hos



Hey ya’ll – take off your clothes



Ya got a nice rack

Uh huh


Get back in the sack



Gnomey don’t play like dat. 

All that copyright shit reserved,

Lil’ Dimwit The Gnome

Screw everyone. I’m hitchhiking.

So yeah get this. I’ve been riding around in this smelly ass van now for over a month with what I thought was the HOTTEST BAND EVER, Amish Meth Lab. We’ll they’re getting kinda lame. So it’s time for me to bail.

The band hasn’t had a gig since I’ve been riding along with them. Ugh. We keep making these stupid pit stops in boofoo middle of nowhere shit towns in Wyoming and whatever that state next to Wyoming is. Meh. We’ve been out of pot for about a week now. WTF? I’ve hooked up with each of them, and I can’t say any of the four were all that memorable. Womp womp.

Yeah, it’s time. So I guess this is my farewell letter to the band or something. It’s not really worth the dramatic confrontation to me to do it person, so bloggidy blog blog blog. GET IT?!

I did learn something by hanging out with Amish Meth Lab this path month at least. I learned that it doesn’t take SHIT for talent to be a rock star! Therefore, (drum roll, please) I am going to be the next big girl gnome pop singer! Mark my words. You read ’em here first!

I can dance like yo’ momma wouldn’t want you to see. And I can lip sync pretty freaking good.

Brittany Beavers is totally what I wanna be….and what I know I can be! Ever since she won Gnome Idol last season, I’ve been stalking her on Twitter. I think we could totally be, like, best friends forever.

Based on Brittany’s last Twitter post, she’s gonna be touring around some clubs in NYC for a few weeks. So that’s where I’m headed. Do I gotta car? Nope. I don’t need one! Do I got tits. Ah hells yeah!

I got a extra-small size tank top on and extra tube of lipstick in my purse. I’m hittin’ the highway, bitches. Pick me up if you see my stuttin’ my stuff along the interstate, will ya? If you’re good, you might get something in return. If you’re not, you’ll get a bullet to the eyeball. Don’t even think for a second that I’m not carrying a 9mm in my garter belt!!

See ya on the side of the road, (I think I’m still somewhere in Wyoming, but I’m not exactly sure),

Roxy the Gnome




A Discovery of Korean Exorcism Masks In Wyoming

I’m just the fiddler. So what do I know? Well. Let me tell you one thing I do know. Our band hasn’t gotten any gigs in quite quite some time now.

We’ve just been driving around in the desert and McCartney won’t even tell us where we’re headed. You know what I think? Whatever, I’m going to tell you anyway. Well I think, he doesn’t even know where we’re headed!

This morning, we took a piss top in some shithole town, Wamsutter, Wyoming…Population: 273.


I took this shot as I relieved my bladder on the train tracks.

The other band mates and I were all pretty cranky after being cooped up in the tour van for so long. So we decided to go on a hike and stretch our little gnome legs.

Starr and I took the lead and walked between those crappy looking buildings to see what was on the other side. Whole lots of nothingness! I took off in a sprint into the nothingness, threw my suit jacket into the dirt, and kicked off my boots. The wind blowing through my beard felt awesome. The freedom I felt being outside of that van and away from the other band mates felt even more awesome.

Everything was awesome….until I tripped and fell on my face. I think my baby toe might be broken, but I didn’t have time to tend to a toe. There were more important matters at hand….the thing that caused me to trip and fall.

McCartney, Starr, and Lennon heard my yelp and caught up to me. But they couldn’t even find the words to ask me if I was okay. They were speechless, because this is what they saw directly in front of me.

Lying right there in the dirt, were a set of Korean exorcism masks. What the hell had we just stumbled upon?!

As we looked closer, we could see that one of the masks was called the Yangban Mask and the other was called the Bunae Mask. All I knew is that they were creepy as shit and I wanted to get as far away from them as gnomely possible.

Starr whipped out his smart phone and did a quick Google search. According to the Interweb, the Yangban mask represents the ‘aristocrat’. The character looks rather jolly, but sometimes has people flogged to death if they insult him. Whoa. Don’t wanna mess with that dude.

Wait. Come to think of it, he kinda sounds like McCartney.

The Interweb also told us that the Bunae Mask represents the ‘flirtateous woman’. Well hey there, little lady. I might not mind messing with you if you put a bag over that weirdo face you got going on.

Wait. Come to think of it, she kinda sounds like that little slut, Roxy, who’s still tagging along on the tour bus for some reason.

We looked around at the nothingness around us and could not come up with any explanation why these freakish things were buried in the dirt of Wyoming countryside. Rather than ponder this thought too much further, we made a general consensus to get the hell outta there and get back to the van.

I wonder if exorcisms really do take place out there with those masks. And if McCartney and Roxy have masks that reflect their characters, does that mean Starr, Lennon, and I have masks out there somewhere too?

I guess I’ll never know, but I like to think that I have a creepy exorcism mask, made just for me, lying in the dirt somewhere and getting tripped over.

안녕히 가세요 (an-nyung-hi ka-se-yo),

Harrison The Gnome and Fiddler for Amish Meth Lab