OMG OMG OMG! Sugar Daddy Humps just gave me a diner! My very own diner inside the Stratosphere Hotel on The Strip!!!

As you may recall, this body builder of a gnome named Hubert H. Humperdinker picked me up poolside at the Stratosphere a little while ago. Our affair has been hoTTT to say the least. That big lug sure knows how to please a lady gnome.

Last night he got me really drunk off sake and handed me a stack of papers. I saw the words “CONTRACT”, “SLAVE”, and “LEGALLY BINDING” on a few pages, but those had too many words on them to actually read it. Besides, I couldn’t exactly see straight. I think I signed something, but I might have been doodling instead.

Anyhoo, I woke up this morning with a worse-than-average hangover to find a key and a yellow Post-it note next to the beside table. Humps was gone. Probably out hustling on the corner so he can take me out for a nice fish dinner tonight. The note said “Roxy’s Diner is open for breakfast, so you’d better get a move on.”

Um.

I don’t know the first thing about cooking, but look at these dishes! Soooooo cuuuuuuute!

And these coffee mugs! OMG I loooooove coffee!

I’ve never held down a real gig before, but perhaps this is The New Roxy. The legitimate diner-owning Roxy. Business gnomelady. Rich bitch to the max.

Shit. People are starting to line up at the entrance. I guess I need to let them in, don’t I? Where can I get a waitress? And a cook? And food to cook? And more than  4 pieces of dishware?

Shit. This is gonna be a long day….

Deep sigh of confusion,

Roxy the Gnome

It is my great pleasure to announce that peace has been restored to The Gnome Abode and the evil forces of that lizard, St. Bastille Day, have been conquered once and for all!

After a many sleepless hours of negotiations that had reached a standstill, we sought the assistance of third party neutral mediation. Three monkeys showed up. They seemed neutral enough. After our free initial consultation with the monkeys (who called themselves Nappy, Happy, and Fatty), a suggestion came up that we present our evil opponent with a peace offering. After paying the monkeys a $2,000 flat fee for the mediation services, they suggested offering St. Bastille Day a lady lizard to keep him entertained and to take his focus off of us gnomes.

Phillip, Kamikaze, Sheldon, and a couple other muscular gnome dudes accompanied me to the prearranged location for the peace talks.

We were all a little weary of that evil lizard, who had somehow managed to acquire a crown. I swear I saw a Cabbage Patch wearing an “Irish Princess” tierra last St. Patrick’s Day that looked eerily similar.

The wise mediator monkeys presented St. Bastille Day with a very attractive lady lizard that they somehow smuggled across the border from Mexico. I could see the drool dripping off of Bastille’s long tongue as he stared all googily-eyed at the peace offering.

We explained to the lust-struck lizard that we meant no harm to him and simply wished to maintain our distance within The Gnome Abode. We proposed that he and his new lady companion maintain residence in the back half of The Abode, while we occupy the front half of The Abode.

For the first time in all my years of knowing this old dirty bastard, even during the college days, he replied with a reasonable and polite response. He approached the lizard lady and instantly fell into a trace as he stared into her deep black eyes.

They started making out. We started to excuse ourselves from the room and bid a fond farewell to our mediator monkeys.

Then things started to get just a little more freaky. Apparently, it has been over ten years since Bastille has been in the presence of a lady lizard. I guess he was a little backed up.

And then we all witnessed the unspeakable…..a sight that we will never be able to erase from the back of our ceramic eyelids.

But at least he’s given up his crown and acknowledged my rightful kingship over The Abode. Peace has been restored and all the gnomes are rejoicing with shots of tequila over our victory. Now we can only hope that a litter of little lizards don’t magically appear one of these days….

Your Forever King,

Jerry The Gnome

Since King Jerry’s bitch, Tabitha, has seemingly been beheaded and captured in the evil lizard’s forceful reign, I got stuck taking notes at last night’s meeting. I hate having to pay attention at things. Taking notes is totally a chick gnome’s job.

Regardless, I scribbled some stuff down. Only about half of the gnomes from The Abode showed up on time to the bowling alley. Some stragglers stumbled in late and too drunk to contribute anything productive to anyone or anything.

After a series of heated debates, we decided that our weapons kinda sucked and we were too drunk to properly aim a weapon anyway. The idea of a lizard hunt quickly passed. After a couple more rounds of mango vodkas with ginger ale, King Jerry came up with a brilliant idea. We will bribe that bastard lizard into leaving us the *@&$ alone!

Today we embarked upon The Great Pilson Reconnaissance Mission of 2012. We got a bit of a late start on the mission because a few of the gnome soldiers wanted to start their Saturdays off with relaxing bubble baths. Then a few other gnome soldiers wanted to stop by the National Museum of Mexican Art. I’ve gotta be honest…it was pretty cool though. Then there was an stop for beer, a stop for ice cream, and a stop at the porn shop. Don’t ask.

Eventually, we did complete our mission and found the perfect bribe to present to St. Bastille Day. A Mexican folk art shop saved the day! We are not disclosing the nature of the bribe or any further details at this time, just in case that bastard lizard is reading this. We want our bribe to catch him off guard and distract him so much that he no longer cares about being in control of The Gnome Abode.

Tomorrow is the day. You just wait and you will see. I must say, I approve of the non-violent approach of this overthrow. I’m so anxious about how tomorrow’s negotiations will go that I can’t even bear to close my ceramic eyelids to get some shut eye.

Your hopeful Vice King President,

Alfredo The Gnome

WHO: Every last one of you gnomes. This is crucial to our survival.

WHAT: Emergency Gnome Meeting

WHEN: Tonight at 8:00pm CST

WHERE: Fireside Bowling Alley in Logan Square

WHY: Our gnome blog has been hacked by our fiercest lizard enemy, St. Bastille Day. He has claimed to have overthrown our gnomish government and seized the thrown as king. As you all know, this is bullshit and I AM YOUR KING.

Photographic evidence of ingnomane torture has surfaced as the cover photo on our blog. We will not stand for this! Now is the time to reclaim what is rightfully ours!

He must be taken down. Not lightly, not slowly, but with force and without mercy. This is a call to arms for all of Gnomekind. Bring yo’ wives, bring yo’ kids, bring yo’ cheep beer, and bring yo’ ammunition.

Tonight, we go lizard hunting!

Your true and forever king,

Jerry The King Gnome