Gnome Sighting in Woodstock, New Hampshire!

There’s a magical place in the hidden town of Woodstock, Hampshire that brews delicious beer. My little gnome nose always directs me to places just like this.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Humans climb the walls just to get inside. Fortunately, the oldness of the building lets us wee ones slip through the cracks and up to the bar.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

As I stumbled back to my horse-drawn carriage after more than my rationed share off Pig’s Ear Brown Ale. The Woodstock Brewery is pretty much a town in and of itself, so it took awhile to find my way out of it. There’s an inn, a restaurant, a downstairs pub, and lots of tiny rooms that surely shady shit is going down in.

I thought I was hallucinating at first, but I saw two gnomes nearly side by side across the street. The first sighting was a tattoo parlor called Millennium Tattoo, which has been around since ’92.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Perhaps it’s a wizard in disguise, but whatever…I think it’s a gnome and I’m sticking to it. Stayed tuned for further investigation into gnome tattoos!

Next, I spotted a gnome within an array of miscellaneous garden ornaments at the store next door, called Sunburst.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The store looked pretty rad, but I was smoking a cigar at the time so they wouldn’t let me in.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Anyhoo, it’s feels good to keep seeing gnomes living around the Northeast. And believe it or not, they’re not all prepsters out here either. White trash is white trash is white trash, no matter what the zip code. Needless to say, this little rubber gnome fits right in 🙂

‘Til next time,
Rubber the stinkin’ drinkin’ gnome

Gnome Sighting in Vermont Frog Shop!

While biking my little gnome legs around the Vermont countryside, I decided that antiquing would be the right thing to do. After all, all the cool (old) kids are doing it.

My first stop was Tinker’s Antique Barn. Turns out, bitches are closed on Wednesday. Out of all days, Wednesday? Why Wednesday, praytell? There very well may be gnomes living inside this barn. Must mark calendar to work around THEIR schedule. Hmmph.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

After stopping to gas up at the local station, my next stop was The Green Frog, which was more of a gift shop than an antique shop. This just means stuff is newer. I’m okay with new stuff.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The was one, and only one, gnome living inside this store. We chatted for a moment or two, but he had a pretty narrow worldview and the conversation turned stale in a very short amount of time.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I had the owner take my mug shot by the iconic frog out front and I posed with my very best frog face.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

Humans make that stupid kissy face. Well gnomes, I’m here to start a new trend….the frog face.

i-like-botox-and-orange-tan

Ribbit ribbit,
Zookwinkle the Travel Gnome

Internet help needed for a good cause! Legally optional!

One of our best gnome scouts tipped us off about this 1969 British sitcom called The Gnomes of Dulwich.

gnomes_of_dulwich

http://www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/gnomes_of_dulwich/

Who out there in Internetville can help us acquire these episodes?!??!

gnomes_of_dulwich (1)

I’d chat longer, but I’m freaking out over the prospect of watching this to type straight. Or that may be the vodka.

Either way. Tootaloo.

Huge Gnome Sighting at A&L Grocer!

 

I went drunk bowling other night. Yes, of course gnomes bowl. Don’t be silly.

I actually have my own shoes (because alleys tend to only carry human sizes) and I’m saving up for my own ball. Bowling balls are expensive. Lately, I’ve been using a nectarine.

But be honest. We all really know that bowling is about the cheap beer.

But, I digress.

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you more about my bowling career soon. I’m getting better and I even bowled a 18 my last frame….double digits, baby!!!

After wowing everyone’s socks off with that 18, I decided to end on a good note and head home. I was staggering a bit, but nearly to my bus stop when I caught of a glimpse of something huge…and magnificent.

A huge gnome in a grocery store!

photo 1

This sucka was nearly 3-foot tall (if my drunken measurement estimations are anywhere near accurate) and he was holding a sign that was turned away.

The tiny store was called A&L Grocer and for those of you in the Chicago area, it’s located on Addison between Hamilton and Leavitt. See look, they even get 3.5 stars on Yelp!

photo 2Most unfortunately, the store was closed at that ungodly time of night. Just like momma always said, “nothing good happens after dark!”

But momma was wrong, because this gnome sighting did!

The whole point is that gnomes this big are very rare to find. Where did he come from? What’s his name? And how did he get hooked up with a grocery store gig?

I suppose another trip to A&L during business hours is in order to find out the answers to these very important questions. TO…BE…CONTINUED…

Sincerely,
Dumblebore the Gnome

 

Gnomes & 1970’s Sitcoms

Leave it to the Brits to put gnomes in their sitcoms.

I found myself bored and browsing Netflix last night in search of some comedic relief. After a good amount of scrolling, I settled on a 1970’s British sitcom called Fawlty Towers.Fawlty Towers. The Builders. part 26..wmv  - YouTube

Even if you dislike the concept of laughing, you’ve GOT to watch Season 1, Episode 2. Why? Because there is a gnome in it, you dumb twat!!!

Ahem. The episode is called “The Builders” and it’s mostly about hiring some silly workmen. A delivery guy brings in a 2-foot tall green, yellow, and red gnome that Syil Fawlty had ordered. After a communication breakdown with a Spanish fellow, the gnome almost gets a room for the night at the hotel.

fawlty_gnomeIn a violent rage, character Basil Fawlty threatens a workman that he would come over and insert a large garden gnome IN him. Now that’s just vulgar and unnecessary, folks.

Although I cringed throughout the rest of the episode, I am pleased to report that no gnomes seemed to be harmed in the making of this show.

Although we gnomes certainly don’t like to be “inserted” into things, we did enjoy watching our distant British cousin be featured in so many scenes of this episode. Television generally sucks. But it would be a far better place if there were more garden gnomes simply sitting in the background.

Somebody please make that happen.

Sincerely,
Lennon the Gnome