Is “Gnome Flu” the new Swine Flu?


I hereby declare that there is no such thing as “flu season”. Flu affects gnomes in all seasons, you all need to stop thinking you’re only going to get sick three months of the year. This is your doctor speaking so sit down, shut up, and listen.

This year is turning out to be a record-breaking flu year. The Department of Health and Gnomish Services announced this morning that the “Gnome Flu” epidemic has already affected 64.81% of gnomes worldwide.

What is “Gnome Flu”, you ask? Remember swine flu? This is way worse. No pigs necessary! Is “Gnome Flu” the new Swine Flu?



Excessive itchiness and freakishly low fevers

Tummy aches and urinary tract infections


Drinking excessive amounts of booze daily

Excessive prescription drug use wearing silly hats


Cheap chicken noodle soup in a box

Good ole’ fashioned ice packs and turtles

Call my receptionist to schedule your Gnome Flu checkup with me today. We haven’t hired a coroner or a funeral director yet for The Gnome Abode, so it’s really your best option.

Healthily Yours,
Doctor A. Chu, MD

A Sneak Peek at Sheldon’s Post-Bar-Fight Medical Records!

Sheldon still won’t tell us the whole story about how he broke his legs off in Texas. All we know here at The Abode is that he got into a bar fight in Austin and came home totally botched up!

Sheldon fans all over the world have been unable to dry their tears of disbelief and concern.

I passed out last night beside the mailbox after a steady helping of rum and cokes. and just woke up to find our friendly Postal Gnome delivering today’s mail. Hmmm hmmm hmmm….well what do we have here…..Sheldon’s records from Seton Medical Center?!

Time out? Well don’t mind if I do! The gnome community never signed off on HIPAA.

Apparently gnomes don’t read good in Texas, so instead of written medical recordsthey do ’em in pictures.

That silly bastard brother of mine can make anything look like a fun adventure….even tragic de-leg-atation! Just look at him with posing with this bed pan, for example!

That’s a lot of tubes and crap all for one little gnome….where do they stick them all?

These photo records don’t shed a whole lot of light on the incidents that led up to his Texan hospitalization, but they do provide excellent blackmail material!

The only non-paralyzed Rumplesphincter brother,

Maurice, The Gnome



Sheldon’s Surgical Miracle

Even though I generally hate my brother Sheldon, I feel his pain. And he is family after all.

As you may recall, I was recently injured in a fishing accident. However, his injuries are far worse. It is true that he was in a bar fight, but you should have seen the other guy!

Maurice and I rushed to the hospital to find our poor brother being held together by scotch tape and missing a leg entirely. He was still half drunk off sangria and kept muttering angry words under his breath. I’m not really sure what the whole story is yet or what caused the bar fight, so I guess I’ll have to wait ’til he’s more coherent.

Much to our relief, there was minimal waiting time in the ER and the surgeon wasted no time using an extra large container of epoxy and steady hands. Pictured here are the hands of master surgeon, Gnomecow.

After a couple hours into the surgical procedure, Sheldon started to flat line. Reinforcements were brought in. Shown here is world-renown gnome surgeon, Happy Go Lucky The Monkey with TWO bottles of extra strength epoxy.

That little monkey knew his shit! By the end of last night, Sheldon was standing! Standing! On his own two feet! We thought he’d look like a freak show forever! I mean, sure, he does have a chuck missing from his leg and his crotch (please don’t ask for details), but all in all, he’s looking a million times more gnome-like.

To make him feel a little better, we compared battle wounds and realized that our feet were chipped off at a similar spot. I’ve never felt such a close bond to my brother. Stupid Maurice just sleeps all day, so it’s no wonder his feet are 100% in tact. He doesn’t even use his feet! Life is so goddamn unfair.

I helped Sheldon out of the hospital last night and he had the brightest smile on his face as he limped our of the ER. Physical therapy and all kinds of hardcore pain pills are in his immediate future, but he is going to take one day at a time. He may have to take a little time off from traveling, although I don’t dare bring that up to him yet. Dear god that wouldn’t go over well at all.

He is sure to have a lot of time on his hands in the next few weeks, as he is going to be somewhat bed-ridden, so you’ll probably see some posts soon about the adventure that led up to this successful surgical miracle.

Yours in brotherly love,



Just FYI – I got in a bar fight and I’ve been paralyzed. I’m too drugged up to remember anything else after that last sweet tea vodka.

I’m held together by Scotch tape and have serious concerns about the quality of healthcare in Texas.

Miserable and humiliated. Somebody send me fucking flowers.

Sheldon the paralyzed gmome