After months of poking and prodding, I finally convinced Phillip and Kamikaze to to go a yoga class with me. I’ve been going by myself to a crowded corporate studio for the past few months and my 10-pass punch card recently expired there. I came across a Groupon for a new studio that opened up less than a mile away from the Gnome Abode called Tula Yoga Studio. I can’t help but notice that those guys have been packing on some pounds, so I thought some low key exercise would do them well.

The three of us squeezed into our tightest yoga pants and pulled our beards back with ponytail holders. I guess I forgot to mention to Phillip and Kamikaze that this was a 90-minute advanced Vinyasa class with a focus on headstands. They’d never even heard of the most basic of all positions, “gnome’s pose”. Whoops.

Our instructor, Diana started us off easy with some “downward facing gnome” poses and some “warrior gnome 2” stances. Surprisingly ,the guys seemed to be keeping up pretty well. I never thought they had any athletic ability whatsoever! Everything changed when Diana asked us to pull our mat up against the wall for headstand practice.

If you recall, I recently suffered a hardcore skull injury where my poor ceramic head nearly split in half (see prior blog post for reference). The thought falling on my newly-sewn back together noggin while trusting my stubby arms to hold my excess body weight up sounded like a truly awful idea.  My wrists were shaking at the mere thought of reopening back up that horrific head wound.

But against my better judgement, Diana helped each of us get up into headstand position.

As my arm strength quickly started to give out, I wavered and I felt a branch of a crystal leaf tickle the side of my cheek. I lost my balance and my inner peace in a split second that will haunt me for days and weeks to follow. My right wrist gave out and I went tumbling into a the peace candle positioned in front of my mat.

I thought I smelled something burning and before I could stop realize what was happening, Phillip screamed, “Oh my god Benjamin, your blue cap is in flames!” Diana ran out to the front desk to call 911 and within just a few minutes, the fire department was squirting us all down with hoses.

I supposed the second degree burns will heal in due time, but it will probably be awhile until I will have the confidence to go back to yoga class again. On the other hand, Phillip and Kamikaze have become totally obsessed with practicing yoga and already signed up for monthly passes at Tula. Good for them. Good for those freakishly flexible bastards and their unburned ceramic outer layer and their perfect red caps.

*sniff. sniff*

Why me. Why me? WHY ME?!

Benjamin The Gnome

As our dear Alfredo explained to you yesterday, Easter is a very tragic time in the gnome community. I would like to dedicate this post to one of our beloved brothers, Chaka Kahn, who risked his life standing guard by the door to keep those all evil bunny rabbits and scavenger children away.

But he was only one gnome. And one gnome can only do so much.

I would like to dedicate this poem to our dearly departed brother, Chaka Khan, as well as the others who suffered a similar fate yesterday.

Rest in Peace

Our fallen gnome soldier
There’s so many things

That we never told ya

You were brave and selfless

The very best gnome guard

The world feared your mushroom

And respected you in the yard

I saw the bunnies charging

I heard the children’s screams

I saw your life flash before my eyes

Like one of my bad dreams

But it was too late

You shattered apart

And I’ll always miss

Your piece of my heart

Pourin’ one out for my gnomies,

Yankee Doodle

So I hooked up with this new chick gnome that started hanging around here. Okay fine, maybe “hooked up” is too strong of a word. I actually didn’t even get to touch her. Lame, I know. But I ended the night in an urgent care facility, so I totally have an excuse.

Benjamin and I were having our weekly Yard Work Assessment Meeting at this shithole cafe that we go to for the free wi-fi. Then Sheldon shows up with this chick, Tabitha, and sits next to us. She looked smokin’ hot in red. (Add one point). Then she kept blabbering on to Sheldon about god-knows-what and wouldn’t shut up.(Subtract one point). Ben and I couldn’t get any of our spreadsheets done, so I went over to try to quiet her down with my kingly powers. The only way I could get her to quit blabbering about her Gucci purse and daddy’s trust fund was to agree to hang out with her Saturday night.

I didn’t really give a shit where we went and she was hell bent on going to some weird raw fish place. First, she ordered this stuff called “Saki”. Much to my surprise, this stuff was awesome! (Add a point). I shot back a couple of ’em tiny glasses and she kept giving me dirty looks. I have no idea why. I kept double-dog daring her to do a shot contest with me, but she scoffed and sipped her tiny glass with her pinky up. I just don’t get this woman. (Subtract a point).

Then without even consulting me, she ordered us this stuff she called “sushi”. I took one bite and started gagging with disgust. (Subtract a point).  How do those little Japanese gnomes live off of this crap?! Strangers started saying that I was choking and needed the Heimlich Maneuver. I really wasn’t choking at all, but I figured I wanted this gross raw fish out of my mouth and the date was kinda boring anyway, so this might spice it up.

A huge piece of eel flew out of my mouth as our waiter dry humped me from the back. The eel almost hit Tabitha square in the forehead. Oh my god, it took all I had to not die of laughter at that exact moment.  She made a comment about my skin looking nasty, and for once she was actually right. (Add a point). I guess I was not only disgusted by the eel, but also allergic to it.

Tabitha was kind enough to get us a cab and go with me to an urgent care clinic. By the time the doctors had had their way with me, she was wasted and the second bottle of Saki was empty. I certainly can’t fault a lady for enjoying a tasty beverage. (Add a point). 

So yeah, I guess we didn’t really hook up at all. But it sure was an interesting evening. Granted, I haven’t had a date in about forty-three years, so perhaps this is how the modern dating world works now. The guys keep bugging me that I’d better knock someone up quick so I have an heir to the throne once I kick the bucket. I refuse to touch Roxy and her GTD’s (gnomal transmitted diseases) with a ten foot pole. So I guess Tabitha it is!

I’ll wait another day or so before I call her just so I don’t seem desperate. On our next date, we gotta get this Saki flowing a bit earlier to give myself any bit of a chance to get my chubby ceramic hand up that sexy apron of hers.

Rating this first date a positive one (+1),  

Jerry The King Gnome

My first couple days at the Gnome Abode have been absolutely miserable. There’s no private showers, no place to get a manicure, and nothing to drink besides cheap beer in a bucket of ice. How do gnomes live like this? I’ll never understand the commoners.

I knew it wouldn’t take long for Jerry, King of the Gnomes, to notice me. I mean, how could he resist this? I coaxed Sheldon into taking me to the backyard tea party shop on Friday because I overheard Horace telling Alfredo that Jerry and Benjamin had a business meeting there at 11 am. I conveniently picked a table for Sheldon and I right next to the one that Jerry and Benjamin were at, looking so professional with their laptops open. (Add one point).

A just a few winks of my long eyelashes and a hint of exposed ankle as I crossed my legs, and suddenly Jerry was hovering over our table introducing himself. (Add one point).He was a bit older than I had expected. (Subtract one point). And when I stood up, I realized that he’s a bit shorter than I expected. (Subtract one point). But money and power can make all of those trivial things irrelevant.

Not to my surprise, Jerry asked me out to dinner Saturday night. When I inquired into what type of restaurants he liked, he had absolutely no suggestions. Indecisiveness is such a turnoff. (Subtract one point).

So I suggested a nearby sushi restaurant I found on Yelp called Zen Noodles and Sushi. Jerry had never had sushi before so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to flaunt my worldliness. To start the evening, I ordered us a couple bottles of expensive Saki….one fruity and one crisp. Jerry thought the little cups were shot glasses and slammed each one down with a “hoot n’ holler”. It was so embarrassing. (Subtract one point). 

Jerry had no idea how to read Japanese! Desn’t even gnome know Japanese?! God! SoI even had to make our dinner selections. (Subtract one point). I ordered a couple of my favorites, spicy scallop maki and eel tempura maki. I waited for him to ask me to talk about myself and he never did. He also responded to all of my questions with one word answers (Subtract two points) . 

Just as we were starting to get buzzed enough to have a conversation, Jerry grabbed his throat and started hyperventilating. I don’t need to deal with this! Some Asian gnome behind the bar yelled “Choking! Choking! Lawsuit! No!” Panic spread across the restaurant, but I continued sipping the Wandering Poet saki and waited for someone to help him.

Our server ran over to our table started performing the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge piece of eel flew out of his mouth and barely missed my clean pressed blouse. I had even wore my best pearls! Ooooh! The nerve! (Subtract one point).

Turns out Jerry is also allergic to sushi and started breaking out in hives. (Subtract one point). What else could possibly go wrong?!  I kept having to remind myself to be pretend to care and be nice and maintain my focus on becoming QUEEN. I stuck the small bottle of Snow Maiden Saki in my purse and hailed us a cab to a nearby 24- hour urgent care clinic. I got drunk in the waiting room while the physicians’ assistants worked on his nasty swollen beard face and red blotchy ceramic skin.

Definitely no good night kiss. Definitely my worst first date ever. But I can’t give up. I will give Jerry a second chance because I came all this way. And I WILL be QUEEN!!!!!!!!!

Rating this date a negative seven (-7),

Tabitha, Your Future Queen Gnome