I woke up Sunday morning with a wretched hangover (no surprise) and some of the guys suggested going out for Thai food. I’d never had it before, but after three hours of straight up puking, I was willing to try anything to soak up that beer.

Our waitress was totally hot and I ordered the Japanese udon soup. I got yelled at by the guys for disrespecting Thailand for ditching them for the Japanese. However, I got mad props from the guys for acquiring the waitress’ number.

Much to my surprise, I was able to keep down the soup! So when the Leonardo suggested post-brunch elephant rides, I was all over it!

Unfortunately, my hangover stomach later ended up all over me. Sucked, but how the hell do you pass up an elephant ride when it’s offered?!

Since brunch, I’ve taken it upon myself to learn about Thailand in hopes of meeting more pretty ladies, riding more elephants, and eating more Japanese soup.

It occurred to me that I’ll need a place to stay when I go over there and have someone to show me around. However, I’m a little uneasy about the gnomes that live in Thailand.

Google tells me that Thai gnomes look like this:

Or like this….

 Or even this!

Are these REALLY gnomes? I mean, I’m not trying to be racist or anything, but they just don’t look like us! Can they be trusted?

If you’re a gnome and you’re Thai, please PLEASE message me! Let’s chat!

Muchas gracias (See! I’ve already been learning your language!)
Zookwinkle, the Hottest New Travel Gnome on the Circuit

If you know anything about us at all, you know we hate trolls and trolls hate us. Although no one is really sure why, this hatred has been brewing since the beginning of time. Or at least since 1977 when Wil Huygen wrote the cleverly titled book, Gnomes.

“Really? Really! That’s all you got?” I screamed with my fists of fury pumping in the air.

No response from the trolls.

“Eh.” Shebangbang shrugged, took a puff of his pipe, and grabbed my shoulder to push me back onto the hiking path.

You may recall some recent posts from that gnome bitch, Tabitha, about getting a restraining order against me and planning her marriage to Jerry. Well I’m not the kind of gnome that goes down without a fight.

She thinks she can do better than me?! She thinks she’s gonna be Gnome Queen?! She’s got another thing coming to her.

Through unrevealed sources, I have located a copy of Tabitha’s medical records that show she underwent head transplant surgery just one month before moving to The Gnome Abode.

HEAD TRANSPLANT SURGERY?!

WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH HER PREVIOUS HEAD?!

HOW UGLY IS SHE, REALLY?!?

It appears that she has since tampered with her medical records, because there are no photos of her previous head, nor of the actual procedure. However, such photos could not have simply disappeared into thin air and I am damn well determined to find them!

Post-surgical photos were included in her file though. Apparently, this procedure was performed by a MONKEY, in the depths of the jungle….assumedly so that no one would ever find out about this freakish ordeal!

I Googled this supposed “doctor” (who goes by the name Happy Go Lucky) and cannot find any records of him obtaining a medical degree at all. Apparently, he specializes in bringing things back from the dead. Shown here is a photograph I uncovered of “Doctor” Lucky with one of his living-dead surgical patients.

Who IS Tabitha The Gnome? I hope that this post puts as many questions in your mind as it puts in mind….espeically when she attempts to ascend the throne of gnomish society.

Hugs & kisses,

*The Book of Genesis, Aspiring Gnome Detective*

P.S. – Jerry! Are you reading this? WTF?! Call me!

Although The Gnome Abode residents are primarily gnomes, we receive government funding because are an equal opportunity housing unit approved by the Gnomal Housing Authority (GHA). Therefore, we are required to provide space for the occasional non-gnome resident and make them feel as welcome as possible. In this specific instance, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

The Gnome Abode Housing Council (GAHC) would like to welcome our newest resident….Peruvian Princess, Yma Sumac!

Miss Sumac is a recent immigrant from Peru, she has pigtails, and she is HOTTT! Brothers, Hear No Gnome and Speak No Gnome were the first to introduce themselves and present her with a mushroom gift offering.

It didn’t take long for word of the foreign little hottie to spread around The Abode. Gnomes or otherwise, we don’t get a lot of chicks moving in here so this is a really exciting time for all of our libidos.

Due to the shortage of female gnomes around The Abode, our guys have become more open minded about the prospects of interracial dating. I asked some of the guys in the above shot for their opinions on the matter…

“I’d totally do her.” ~ Hear No Gnome

“*Grunt*. *Snort*. *High-pitched squeal*” ~ Speak No Gnome

She’s puuurdy. Even without a pointy red hat, she’ll always be a princess in my eyes.~ Richard Simmons, Jr. The Gnome

“I don’t have time for women in my life at this time. Veteran travel gnome, Sheldon, is teaching me the ropes to follow in his footsteps now that he’s a gimp. I need to focus on my career. However, the time has come for us gnomes to be open-minded and consider women of all races as potential hookups. May the best gnome score! ~ Zookwinkle The Gnome

Well you heard it here, folks. It seems that racism has died out in The Gnome Abode. I’m going to go see if Yma has dinner plans this evening. I have in mind this quaint, little BYOB Thai place around the corner.

Yours in competitive lust,

Leonardo The Gnome