I won!!!

Due to the large population of gnomes currently residing in the The Gnome Abode, Gnomeplaya conducted a contest, in which the prize would be a coveted invitation to join in Jeep Acquisition Day. We each were given a small slip of paper and asked to guess the number of hairs growing upon Gnomplaya’s head.

My guess was 102,318. The correct answer was 102,321. Since we were playing by Price is Right rules, I won and hopped into the front seat Saturday morning for a road trip to Indianapolis.

Indiana seemed really strange and dangerous. Nothing like The Gnome Abode. I suggested that everyone buckle up and make no direct eye contact with locals. When I won the invitation, I didn’t realize that I would be sharing the backseat with a grumpy lizard and a hyperactive monkey. But what else am I really going to do on a Saturday, anyway? I’ve been stuck holding this broom for years and I don’t even like sweeping!

The Jeep was purchased and a photo shoot ensued! My favorite part of the Jeep was the back spare tire. I slipped into a daydream about going for joy rides on the back tire and feeling the smelly Indiana breeze flowing through my unwashed beard. Ahhh…

After a few moments, I snapped out of my daydream and got to work. I completed a three page clipboard inspection of the Jeep’s interior and exterior and I came across this tiny gnome sitting on the front of the Jeep!

Who is he? What is he doing here? Is he an integral part to structure of the Jeep? What is his purpose? I can’t find anything about a gnome-part in the instruction manual!

I need to get to the bottom of this….

Ah thank goodness this dreaded day called Easter has come and gone. This is one of the worst holidays we gnomes are ever put through. We have been in hiding all weekend, fearing for our lives. Although we are constantly terrorized and persecuted by bunny rabbits, Easter brings them out in full force.

Today I tried a new strategy….I dressed up like a bunny rabbit. I hoped that my clever disguise would keep them at bay and make less attempts to devour me.

As you can tell from my typing of this post, I survived the bloodbaths that those evil bunny rabbits caused our Gnome Abode. I can’t say the same for all of my brethren out here in the yard. I am still a bit too fearful to leave my post at this time, but I can tell a couple gnome brothers have been knocked over and dismembered. I can’t bear to even look without my ceramic stomach churning.

Not only due the bunny rabbits stage a full force attack on Easter, the neighborhood children provide backup troops. They run through the fragile alleyways of The Gnome Abode in search of colorful eggs, while having no regard for any gnomes that get in the way of their evil savage ways. 

It’s pretty ugly over here. I just wanted to let the world knowthat I am still alive and that we will be coping with the aftermath throughout the wee hours of the morning.

I am starting up a collection for the rebuilding our lives during this tragic time and any donations are much appreciated. Go over to Chase Bank and tell them you’re looking to donate to The Gnome Abode Disaster. They’ll know exactly how to direct your funds in the best way possible. Medical attention is needed and cleanup crews are needed, first and foremost. We will also be using your donations to invest in more bunny rabbit disguise suits for next year avoid such devastating tragedies in the future. We will also be using your donations to buy whiskey, because well, today sucked and those of us who survived need to get shitfaced.

Thank you in advance for your kindness during this wretched holiday of despair,

Alfredo The Gnome

I’m sometimes mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay, so my skin tone is kind of green. It’s a medical condition and I’m seeking dermatology treatment. SO LAY OFF! Ironically, St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite holiday.

This is my survival story, with photographic documentation of my increasing intoxication throughout the day. I hope you enjoy my story and I hope your story was just as interesting….

1. I arrived at the pre-party around 10:30, which was in a high rise next to the lake. A couple of my favorite gnome buddies were there, and there were a lot of strange gnomes I’d never met before. As soon as I saw that the bathtub was full of beer, I knew this day was off to a good start. I cracked open a couple of Irish brews that were festive but mediocre in taste. Our taste buds were still in tact at this early stage of the day.

2. The random crowd splits up into several directions, but of course I choose the option that is in the direction of the bar. Our first bar stop is to Waterhouse. That’s what it was called although I certainly didn’t drink any water there. Well Miller Lite is practically water, so I guess the bar name was partially correct. My four other gnome comrades and I ordered some appetizers to get a good base in our stomachs for all the beer that was to come.

3. Our next stop was a house party in Wicker Park. Upon our arrival, we discovered that we knew absolutely no gnomes at this party and no gnomes new us. On any day other than St. Patrick’s day this might have been awkward. However, we quickly found a keg of green beer, red solo cups, and an upstairs patio to enjoy the warm sunshine.

4. After the feeling of intruding upon a random family party of old people became too much to bear, we decided to scope our a bar around the corner, Jack & Gingers. A couple gnomes stayed behind at the house party and a couple others joined us at the next bar. I decided it was time to switch over to some Irish whiskey. I mean the bar name was Jack & Gingers for god’s sake.

5. Then I discovered that shitty old man beer was only $2.50. Taste buds = numb. Wallet = almost empty. Standards getting lower.

6. And then my standards got even lower. And my blood alcohol content level got even higher. 7. I started feeling a little queasy, so I figured it was time for an early evening snack. Ya just can’t beat big salty pretzels and gooey fake cheese.

8. The sun started to go down and we needed a change of scenery. My hardcore gnome buddy, Leonardo, and I split from the group and wandered into a bar called 6 Corners. I only remember seeing 4 of the corners, but everything was a little hazy by this point. It was so dark in here that I lied down for just a brief moment for a nap until Leonardo rudely kicked me away and shoved a Bells Amber Ale in front of me. 9. To wake me up, I thought I’d give vodka a try! Why not?! I ordered an orange flavored vodka and diet coke. Suddenly I started feeling my second wind coming on. 10. Then I lost my friends. I look around and I’m sitting on the bar stool all by my lonesome. Why does this always happen to me? Does everyone secretly hate me?!11. Whatever screw ’em all. I’m headed to da club!These little gnome feet of mine are ready for to hit the dance floor. I stumbled down the road past all of the other stumbling gnomes dressed in green and into a club called Crocodile. I ordered a fishbowl full of god-knows-what. I saw the bartender pour like eight different things into this. I didn’t ask questions. It was goooooood.

12. That fishbowl did me in though. I was dancing like I’ve never danced before…I’m such an amazing dancer when I’m drunk. And then it hit me. I felt the vomit rising from my stomach, pushed through the crowds, flung open the bathroom door, and reached the Porcelain Goddess just in time. I will spare you from the photo documenting the projectile aftermath…it’s pretty gruesome. 

13. I’m pretty sure I blacked out after because I don’t remember getting home at all. I might have taken a cab, I might have taken the train, I might have hitchhiked….I’m really not sure. But I woke up in my own bed this morning, cuddling with my teddy bears. I would have rather woken up in some hot gnome chick’s bed cuddling with her, but eh oh well.14. So in conclusion, I survived another St. Patrick’s Day. Today will be spent nursing my hangover with coconut water and prescription drugs. 

Wishing you all a speedy hangover recovery and ample time for naps,

Zookwinkle The Gnome