It gets a little lonely around here sometimes. All these gnomes are annoying. My new best friend, GnomeCow, abandoned me for a month to go visit his family. He is bi-species and half cow, so that’s why I can get along with him. Gnomeplaya is neglectful and also a girl, which means she has girl cooties.

So I started thinking today that I need a pet. My first thought was a horse. But not just any horse. A horse that I could paint in whacked out colors and ride around town to freak people out. Of course, the paint would be animal safe. What kind of lizard do you take me for?!? I did some price comparisons and holy crap, horses are expensive. Not to mention, I haven’t been able to locate any animal-safe paint online. If any distributors are hiding out there, throw me a bone, will ya?

So my second thought was a dog. I used to be disgusted by dogs ever since that German Shepard had her way with me back in college and never bothered to call the next day. Completely unrelated, I just signed up for a whitewater kayaking class. The first eight weeks take place in a pool, which sure…sounds pretty freaking lame. But it’s training so when I get out there on the class 5 rapids, I don’t forget how to roll and get drowned under a boulder. Thanks to the latest REI catalog that Gnomeplaya left lying on the kitchen table, I have learned that some dogs like to kayak too. Perhaps this is a perfect match! But now I’m wondering if I’m responsible enough to take care of a dog when we’re not kayaking together. I’m selfish, pretentious, and don’t give a shit about anyone but myself. Perhaps I need to work my way up to dog ownership. I hear those buggas croak if they don’t get to eat and stuff.

So my last thought on this matter today was perhaps a turtle or a tortoise. Who knows what the difference is anyway? I thought these would be super low maintenance, but the more I read about them the more I’m thinking otherwise. First of all these there’s some kind of media propaganda about pet turtles causing Salmonella. Well I don’t plan on eating the pet turtle….I don’t know, perhaps more research is required on this matter. An About.com article I read used the words “long term commitment”, “stressed”, and “prone to disease”.

Now I don’t know what to think. Does anyone out there on the Interweb know of any pets that would require absolutely nothing from me but yet give me everything I want? Suggestions welcome.

Distressed and lonesome,

St. Bastille Day The Lizard

I’m surrounded by these little critters who have no purpose in life and try to prove to the world that life revolves around them. Well you know what? IT DOES NOT!

I was here first. I have been sleeping with Master/Goddess Alyssa (yes ex-boyfriends, eat your heart out) for about ten years now. This is my domain and you all need to step off.

I never used to be so bitter and jaded. But you know how it gets when you’re wrinkle cream starts to be a waste of time and the world starts passing you by. Sometimes I feel so small. So insignificant.

Mini lizard

Do you have any idea how long it took me to hack into this stupid gnome blog? They’re outside screwing around for most of the day, so it wasn’t difficult getting computer access. But lizards aren’t exactly known for their technological capacity, so yeah….this is why I’m just now making my second post.

This is really just a plea for help. Someone get me out of this gnomeish hellhole. Someone help me find meaning in this wasted existence. Speaking of wasted, I think I saw a partially opened bottle of champagne in the fridge when I crawled out from under it earlier this evening. I mean, champagne goes bad if it’s left open like more than an hour or something, right.

Irregardlessly, to the fridge I go. Fellow lizard comments welcome. Gnomes can go fuck themselves.

Hugs & Kisses,

St. Bastille Day

That crazy broad wouldn’t let me go on the Florida trip with her and her manfriend. I have been by her side (and in her bed….ahem) for 10 years now! Where is the respect? Where is the loyalty?

I tried to sneak into her suitcase. Check this shit out:

See! I told you I'd fit!

And do you believe what happened next! Even if you do, I’ll show you anyway because I’m just that pissed off.

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To make matters worse, she came home with a stuffed manatee, a manatee backpack, and a manatee necklace. I feel like I’ve been replaced. Life sucks.

Can someone please get me out of here? I can be reached via carrier pigeon. It’s a little known fact that pigeons and lizards mate in the springtime.

Whatever,

St. Bastille Day