Hey Gnomes, Wanna Learn To Tango?

 

WHAT IS GNOTANGO?

Gnotango is an dance studio that provides group and private dance instruction in Argentine Tango, stages professional tango performances, and sponsors tango events for gnomes of all skill levels.

While recognizing the heritage of Argentine tango, and the need to preserve its tradition, Gnotango is committed to the evolution of tango for the modern gnome.

WHO WE ARE

Chumbawamba, The Gnome is the founder and artistic director of Gnotango, and has been dancing all his life. Born and raised in Buenos Aires, Tango played a role in his life since childhood. As a tango dancer, his graceful yet innovative style stems from a fusion of ballet principles and Argentine Tango.

I Get Knocked Down, The Turtle is a producer and educator with over 14 years experience in the music, film, and event industries. She possesses an in-depth knowledge of business and the arts that she brought to her post on the Board of Governors for the Recording Academy of Arts and Science in The Gnome Abode.

CLASS SCHEDULE
MONDAY – FRIDAY 
7:00 pm to 8:00 pm     Beginner’s Class
8:00 pm to 9:00 pm     Intermediate / Advanced
9:00 pm to 11:00 pm   Practica
SATURDAY
Midnight – 4:00am Milonga La Baldosita (Tango Party)
(includes 5 complimentary beverages)
FAQ
  •  Where are you located?
      • The grand ballroom in the alley to the left of the used phone store
  • What should I wear?
      • As little as possible. Tango is supposed to be sexy. Undress to impress.
  • What about shoes?
      • The highest heels you can find. Yes, this applies to both male and female gnomes.
  • Do I need to bring a partner?
      • Not if you have social skills and have the ability to hook up with another lonely stranger.

TESTIMONIALS
“My life meant nothing until I started going to Gnotango! I have since stopped eating my own hair and I’ve tossed out the shoebox of old toenail clippings under my bed!”  – Cowabunga The Gnome
 
 
“I had no self-confidence before I started going to Gnotango. I was so nervous on my first day. After just two classes, I lost 23 grams of fat and grew a new and improved nose!” – Lurleen Lumpkin The Gnome
 
Contact us TODAY for your FREE introductory trial class with Gnotango! Your life probably sucks, so honestly….what do you have to lose?! See you on the dance floor!
Your dance instructors,
Chumbawamba (The Gnome) and (I Get Knocked Down The Turtle)

A Software Company called GNOME?!?

 

Have you ever “Googled” yourself? Now, now. Keep your mind out of the gutter. What I’m asking is have you ever typed your name into Google to see what shows up?

Sometimes the results are surprising. You might find a link to an article you wrote for the junior high newspaper. You might find that police arrest report that you thought had been expunged from your record.

Well in my case, I found that there is a software company called GNOME! Who do they think they are?! Gnomes don’t make software! We can barely run a functional blog website!

According to the company website, “GNOME is an international community dedicated to making great software that anyone can use, no matter what language they speak or their technical or physical abilities,”

How’d they managed to get the domain name gnome.org anyway? I’m not aware of any actual gnomes that work for GNOME. This makes no sense. We are clearly being misrepresented.

They even have a section on their site that explains how the company is “people centered.” Now why the hell would a gnome company be people centered!?

I am putting together a formal complaint with the better business bureau about this so-called GNOME company. I plan to put it in the mail on Monday, so if you find yourself as outraged as I do about this fraudulent business, please send me your contributions.

Their logo is a footprint! We wear boots and we never leave footprints behind! OMG!

Furious!
Phillip The Gnome

Planning a Headless Wedding

 

I’m sure you caught the recent police report about the horrific indecent regarding my loss of head.

I regained consciousness this morning at about 6:30am. I know what you’re thinking. How exactly does one regain consciousness when one has no head? It’s a valid question and I’ll give you that.

You see, gnome heads aren’t built like human heads. Our neurological brain waves transcend the boundaries of space and time in a magical way that telepathically connects to the other bodily functions.

That’s what Dr. A. Chu told me anyway. He’s the only doctor around here, so I have no choice but to believe him. Although its not attached to my body, it is a completely functional, thinking, breathing, head. So in that regard, I guess I’m doing okay.

Thanks for the flowers and balloons you all sent to my hospital room.

I am NOT doing okay though because I am planning my wedding! How can I be a bride with no head? The wedding photos will look ridiculous. There’s no way I can wear a veil. When it comes time to “kiss the bride” Jerry will have to stoop down and pick my head up off the floor.

I was always skeptical about that Costa Rican quack doctor who performed that plastic surgery head transplant back in the late ’80’s. He assured me that the head was just as stable as a normal head, but apparently he was wrong. Before that transplant, old head was ugly….but at least I was in one piece!

I AM A MONSTER!

I AM HIDEOUS!

WHAT IF JERRY CALLS OFF THE WEDDING!

HOW CAN HE LOVE ME WITH NO HEAD?

HOW WILL IT LOOK FOR A GNOME QUEEN TO RULE WITH NO HEAD?

ARE THERE ANY REPUTABLE SURGEONS WHO CAN HELP ME?

MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

WHY MEEEEEEEEEE????

Sobbing in solitude,
Tabitha The Gnome

Chia Pet Gnomes?!

 

Thanks to one of our very best gnome scouts, we are now aware that our brethren are being marketed as chia pets!

Chia pets are American styled terracotta figurines used to sprout chia,where the chia sprouts grow within a couple of weeks to resemble the animal’s fur or hair. Moistened seeds of chia are applied to the grooved terra cotta figurine body.

But gnomes? Chia gnomes? Really!?

The jury is out on our opinion regarding this matter. Please discuss so we can hold a formal debate and decide whether we are wholeheartedly FOR or AGAINST being grown as chia pets.

Looking forward to your honest opinions,
Ramon LeBeef The Gnome

 

LaChouffe Gnomes Spotted at Local Bar

 

As we all know, LaChouffe is the most famous (and maybe the only?) gnome brewery out there. We gnomes love good beer, especially when our distant Belgian relatives are famously displayed on the bottles!

We also love seeing our Belgian counterpats pop up in unexpected bars around the world. Most recently, LaChouffe gnomes were spotted at a bar called The Green Lady in Chicago.

Where else have YOU spotted the LaChouffe gnome?

Please let us know so we can be sure to support those bars too…..and so we can go get drunk there ASAP!

Drink up, gnomes. Because for goshsake…it’s Tuesday and it’s not gonna be again for a week!
Caesar The “party with one suspender strap flying” Gnome