My loyal subjects,

You all keep asking me if I’m having a bachelor party. I’m tired of these questions. I can only assume this is because my queen-to-be, Tabitha, made this whole big deal about her bachelorette party. Typical woman gnome.

Yeah, I’m having a bachelor party too.

Just fly to Vegas ASAP and text me.

Why?

This is why.

And if you don’t, I’ll have you beheaded. I’ve improved upon my beheading skills lately and am looking to try them out.

Your cold-footed and cold-hearted leader,
King Jerry of All Gnomekind

Who?: All lady gnomes and all lady humans who are uglier than me. No boys allowed unless they’re stripping.

What?: A Celebration of King Jerry finally proposing to me and making me queen of all gnomekind.

When?: Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

Where?: Vegas, baby. Vegas. We’ll start the party at the Gnomecino Casino and bar hop from there.

Why?:Because you’ve probably never been to a gnome bachelorette party before.

What to wear?: As little as possible. I plan to slut it up for one night and one night only, so you should too.

What to bring?: Gifts for me consisting of jewelry, handbags, spa treatment gift cards, and lots of cash to buy me shots.

No need to RSVP. I have no doubt you’ll all be there. There’s no way you’d have anything more important going on that partying with your future queen.

Xoxo,
Tabitha, Queen Gnome in Training

I’d like to inform all you gnomes out there reading this that there is a flower named after us!

Pretty, eh? It’s called the Pink Gnome Rose and according to eh Landsburg Landscape Nursery, is a “compact rose with a tight round habit, the lovely pink buds open to display tiny pretty pink cup shaped flowers with white centers that cover the plant all season long; wonderfully disease resistant and low maintenance.”

It grows about 18 inches tall and spreads about 24 inches wide. The Pink Gnome Rose needs direct sunlight and when well cared for, can life for about 20 years.

Gardening site, HelpMeFind, says that our flower was first bred by Ping Lim and Martin Nemko in the United States in 1995.

Magnificent!

Let us all grow Pink Gnome Rosse in our gardens to celebrate ourselves!

Beautifying our Abode….one narcissistic plant at a time,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

One of our gnomes made a post yesterday with casual mention of gnomes being able to wash themselves. This comment has sparked a lot of conversation about gnomes and hygiene ever since.

Gnomes aren’t generally known for having good hygiene. We spend most of our time outdoors, bathe sporadically, and have never found deodorant particularly appealing.

So to combat these negative (and mostly true) stereotypes, King Jerry has appointed a “health and wellness specialist” and commanded him to open a gnome spa.

I haven’t personally met him yet, but from afar, he smells like watermelon. It’s kinda nice.

Rumor has it that he’ll soon be posting a list of spa treatments with pricing. Oooo….I hope there’s pedicures….my toenails are way skanky.

Yours in skankiness,
Alfredo The Gnome