Dream Interpretation from the Gnomish Subconscious

Some people suffer from a condition where they walk in their sleep, also known as somnambulism.

Other people suffer from a condition where they fall asleep at random times, also known as narcolepsy.

 

 

Still other people suffer from a condition where they eat in their sleep, also known as parasomnia.

Well gnomes don’t suffer from any of those conditions. We have a predisposition to suffer from a condition far worse…..sleep drawing, also known as penangeling.

It’s true. I seem to have developed this common gnome condition where I draw in my sleep. I saw a flyer for a penangeling support group on a light post the other day, but back then I was too naive to think it would ever happen to me.

Then in an instant, my life changed. This morning I woke up at the sound of my alarm, peeled off my eye mash, pushed my snuggly stuffed bunny to the side, and found this monstrosity on the pillow next to me. What the hell is this?! What does it mean! I’ve never even been to South Dakota! Those drops of blood are making me squeamish!

I’ve spent all day scouring the Interweb for an explanation of what the hell my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. This is what Dream Forth (http://www.dreamforth.com/) tells me:

To dream of a hammer suggests hardiness, power, control, and other male values. To dream of the direction south symbolizes anticipation, existence, and uncertainty. To dream about a dragon suggests that you allow your desires and emotions get the best of you.

So…. I’m getting too emotional about the uncertainty of my power? I’m confused. If there are any dream analyst experts out there reading this, please weigh in. I beg you, please. I’m scared to go to sleep tonight for fear of what I will find that I drew tomorrow morning.

Anxiously throwing all of my art supplies into the recycling bin,

Pablo The Gnome

How Gnomes Build March Madness Brackets

As the resident jock of this gnome gang, I’m sending this friendly reminder to you all to make your March Madness bracket picks this morning. What? You think just because we’re gnomes we don’t follow college basketball?! Bitch, please.

Okay fine, so this IS the first year that we’re doing a gnome bracket tournament, but I hope this will be the first of many new gambling opportunities in the future. Gamble more! Work less! Gamble more! Work less!

Now that we have a laptop set up in the backyard, I came across an article about these wacky bracket obsessions that have spread across corporate America, decreasing workplace productivity by people that don’t even give a shit about sports. See I told you so: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/03/11/march-madness-a-march-to-lower-work-productivity/

Unfortunately, that’s the only article I read about these brackets. I didn’t read any articles on how to actually construct a bracket. I figured constructing a bracket meant doing some sort of woodworking project so I pulled out my toolbox and started sawing. As I’ve said before, I’m the resident jock, NOT the resident woodworker. It was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

I’m typing to you all today with one hand because my other little gnome hand looks like this! Ow freaking ow! Fortunately, Jerry was shoveling nearby when the saw took on its own agenda and he ran over to rescue me from those evil saw teeth. Thinking quickly, he found some tighty whities next to the back dumpster to wrap around my bleeding hand. I didn’t even have to make a trip to the ER this time! Jerry can be so resourceful. And I’m actually getting kinda used to the stench of these dirty underwear on my hand.

While explaining to Jerry the string of events that led up to this horrific incident, he started laughing hysterically. WTF, Jerry?! Apparently, making a bracket doesn’t involve woodworking at all! You just click names of basketball teams on a computer! Well that would have been nice to know a couple hours ago!

Jerry took the time to show me what a March Madness bracket ACTUALLY looked like and how to fill it in. I feel like I’m totally losing credibility as the resident jock now, but at least I have another injury story. Everyone loves a good injury story over a beer or seven.

So here’s what my bracket looks like. I’m pretty confident that I’m going to kick every other gnome’s ass in this game.  But I need some competitors to talk shit to and help decrease my productivity. So go fill out your brackets now, but don’t try to build one. I learned my lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Bleeding on the keyboard but I don’t have any diseases so it’s okay,

Benjamin The Gnome

 

 

 

INTRODUCING….Amish Meth Lab! The newest all-gnome folksy heavy metal reggae quartet!

JUST IN! Clear your calendars and cancel all your plans!

The latest and greatest all-gnome band is going on tour! Don’t miss the tour kick-off date April 1st at the Cow Palace in San Fran. (Shout out to GnomeCow for the terrific tour poster! HOLLA!)

Stay tuned to meet the steamy, dreamy members of Amish Meth Lab and to keep up with the latest tour bus shenanigans while hitting the road towards a venue near you.

 

Walking out of shame and towards an Egg McMuffin with a Red Bull

What the hell day is today? I think it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Or maybe that’s next weekend. Whatever, when you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have the days all run together anyway.

I was at a St. Patrick’s Day party last Saturday night, regardless of whatever day it was. And I just woke up about ten minutes ago. What? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a 46 hour hangover recovery sleep!

 

Much to my surprise, there was this cute little dude gnome next to me when I woke up. He is still passed out so I snagged his smart phone to post a blog update and maybe shower off whatever the hell happened last night. Here’s a picture of him sleeping. See….isn’t he kinda sorta hot in that older, more experienced kind of way?

Dear lord, there’s a lot of green beads on the floor. But oddly, no clothes. Where. Are. My. Clothes.

I’m walking around his gnome-abode right now scoping out what his life looks like and for some kind of hint of what his name might be. So far, I haven’t found any clues to his name. But he does seem oddly obsessed with racquetball and badminton. Um yeah. His furniture isn’t very nice. He probably has some kind of a shit job.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. I remember him being really sweet at the party last night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something. He gave me the cutest little charm for my purse. I have no idea why he had a charm in his pocket in the first place, but why ask questions when being given a gift?

Ugh, he’s still snoring. Screw the shower. I need an Egg McMuffin and a Red Bull. His phone’s kinda badass…I think I’ll just “borrow” it for awhile. Surely he won’t mind after all of the things I did to him last night.

Gnomie don’t play dat.

Tip toeing out the front door in an extra-large Van Halen t-shirt,

Roxy the Gnome

Calling all culinary artists!

Check out pages 200 and 201. Sure the link looks intimidating, but you won’t regret it. I command you! DO IT!

For the love of all that is holy and gnomish in the world, would someone please help me make these?

http://books.google.com/books?id=WSYITbzBWRMC&pg=PA200&lpg=PA200&dq=Karen+tack+gnome&source=bl&ots=xRvJ8PRzKp&sig=Ryl5aR44CCRqujmgsdbJh5l7dPI&hl=en&sa=X&ei=76peT4_LGtLTgAfHmo2ECA&ved=0CCMQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

I know I’ve never been the most domestic gnome by any means, but a fond old roommate of mine sent me this link and I am truly inspired. The last cupcake I made about ten years ago looked something like this. As you can see I need some serious help.

 

Sheldon was just reading over my shoulder (I HATE when he does that) and says that eating gnome-shaped desserts is a slippery slope to a downward spiral of cannibalism. I pointed out that cannibalism is typically only used in terms of humans, and obviously we aren’t human. Therefore, since there is no such word in the dictionary as “gnomabilism”, I win this argument and I can make my cupcakes with a clear conscious.

Contact me anytime, day or night, if you can provide some artistic guidance help making my baking wishes come true. Please, freaking please.

Sugary sweet rotten teeth of pure bliss,

Caesar the Gnome