About Yankee Doodle

Drizzunk up in da house. Whoop there it is. Shimmy shimmy coco pop. I gotta take a whiz.

We are Yankee and Doodle and we are the gnomes that live on the side of a flask. We might possibly have the best job ever.

Help! Gnome Lost at Oktoberfest!

It’s always been our little gnomish dream to head over to Germany and celebrate Oktoberfest in style.

Haupteingang_Oktoberfest_2012But alas, we weren’t able to raise enough gnome rubles to afford the flight again this year ūüôĀ

To make up for it (a little bit, but not really), we’ve been reading all sorts of articles about other people living the good (drunk) life. For example, today I read about a little gnome getting “lost” at Oktoberfest.

Apparently, Oktoberfest has a lost and found. And a gnome ended up in it this year. Along with the gnome was a segway, a giant pencil, a guitar and¬†‚ā¨50,000 cash.

Hacker-Pschorr_Oktoberfest_GirlDo you REALLY think that little gnome is “lost”!? That bastard is having the time of his life! Spending boat loads of cash…riding around dumbly…writing on things!

I hate him, in an envious sort of way. I really hope he’s blogging about his adventures somewhere out there too.

And for all your human drunkards out there….your keys, clothing, and mobile phones are sitting in the lost and found box as well. You have until February to pick up your shit. Otherwise it gets auctioned off.

But if I were to venture a guess, I’d say that little “lost” gnome is nowhere near the auction box. Write to me, buddy! Take me with you!

Sincerely,
Yankee Doodle the Gnome

Gnomes Discover an Umbrella Cover Museum

 

In case you didn’t realize, we gnomes are into weird crap. Today, we came across something entirely random for no reason at all.

An umbrella cover museum!

umb1Nancy Hoffman is our new hero. She is the proud owner of 730 umbrella covers, which is the Guinness World Record! Now don’t misunderstand me….I’m not talking about¬†umbrellas. I’m only talking about their COVERS!

Go to Peaks Island, Maine if you don’t believe me.

umb2Their mission statement: “The Umbrella Cover Museum is dedicated to the appreciation of the mundane in everyday life. It is about finding wonder and beauty in the simplest of things, and about knowing that there is always a story behind the cover.”

We can get behind that, Nancy…sure we can. If you have old umbrella covers lying around your porch, we gnomes encourage you to donate them to Nancy. She will totally be way more into them than you are. Promise.

Until next weird time,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

Grow Your Own Gnome?! Preposterous!

 

You’ll never believe what I came across in the supermarket checkout line¬†today. A packaged toy proclaiming to “grow” gnomes.

grow1

Well let me tell you something. Gnomes do NOT grow from packages. We are born…popped out of vaginas just like you after our gnomish mommies and daddies get it on. This is a total hoax, so don’t you go on a minute believing it.

Although I hated monetarily supporting such a fraudulent manufacturing company, I just HAD to buy one and see what kind of “gnome” would allegedly “grow”. The back of the package said to put the tiny creature into water and it would grow 600 times its size.

600 times!? This doesn’t sound healthy at all! How would you like to get 600 times fatter in just three days?!

grow2

Naturally, my curiosity got the better of me. I put the lil’ bugga in some water. The water was contained in a yellow¬†gnome bowl. Naturally.

Three days have now passed…hence my blog post. I covered my eyes as I walked to the kitchen to see what monstrosity lie in the bowl. This is what i found, staring back at me.

grow3

It hasn’t moved any and it hasn’t said a word to me. I don’t know what to make of this so-called gnome, but I don’t trust it.

Should I stab it repeatedly? Should I nurse it back to it’s original size? What do you think I should do?!

Tormented in Tinsel Town,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

Gnomes and Inclement Weather: Rain/Fog Edition

 

Like the United States Postal Service, gnomes must endure snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night. Regardless of the weather conditions, gnomes stand post at their designated locations in gardens, forests, and lawns around the world.

We become weathered from the rain and faded from the sun. We begin to lack the luster we once had in our youth. Our paint chips and peels off, while wildlife prospers with brilliant colors all around us….mocking us.

Zookwinkle gave us a great example of this in his recent post about a weathered, green-hatted gnome he met in Squamish, British Columbia.

City dwelling gnomes, like Boris Periwinkle (pictured below) endure different¬†implications of bad weather….TRAFFIC. As you can see, Boris is struggling to drive his gnomemobile to the grocery store in a torrential downpour.

Just when he thought he would be able to make the unprotected left turn at the green light, an asshole cabbie cut him off. The nerve! Driving in rain really wears on a gnome’s soul over time.

Fog presents even more difficulty for gnomes. It’s a well known fact that gnomes’ eyesight is less than spectacular. Fog makes it even harder than usual to find where we left our shoes or¬†set down our beers. This is unnecessarily burdensome.

Shown here is Lil’ Dimwit struggling through a foggy day. Wait a second. Didn’t he just put on a rap show with a fog machine? I think this pic is from his concert last month. That was a good show. Okay never mind…scratch this. Moving on!

Back to Boris, who has particularly shit luck with weather. Shown here is a rare and terrifying phenomenon called a soap storm. While nearly unheard of in the human world, soap storms affect gnomish societies about three times a year.

The sky seems to open up and blasts of menacing soap comes squirts out from all directions. They are an unexplained occurrence and currently under investigation in the GMIFS (Gnomish Meteorological Institute of Freakish Storms).

Like humans, some gnomes are better prepared for storms than others. Pictured here is Tom Skilling Jr., who has appointed himself the meteorologist of The Gnome Abode. He never leaves home without his trusty umbrella and seeks out storms to make himself feel relevant on the evening news.

This pic was taken during Tom’s recent spelunking trip in Costa Rica.

In conclusion, we¬†gnomes are a hearty bunch but we’re sensitive too.¬†Stay tuned¬†for my upcoming “Snow and Ice Edition” of GNOMES AND INCLEMENT WEATHER.

Bringing you doom and gloom in a most pleasant way,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

 

Attack of the Killer Gummy Worms!!!

I thought I was hallucinating. I thought it was the Honey Jack Daniels that had been flowing through my liver for the past three days. But this shit is real. And we are under attack.

As you may or may not be aware, there is some serious prejudice and segregation between the big gnomes and the small gnomes around the Abode. I like to think I’m somewhat of a middle-man. Or maybe I’m too drunk to judge size most the time.

I stumbled in around 10am today and instead of getting the usual array of questions from the small gnomes regarding my weekend whereabouts, I was greeted with screams of anguish and despair.

AN INFESTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always thought it was the slave gnomes’ (I mean the small gnomes’) job to keep the Abode nice and tidy while the big guys go out and hunt stuff and kill things. The small ones must not be keeping up their end of the bargain because this kind of filth is just unacceptable.

The gnome chef who has been in charge of feeling us all three times a day every day for the past 48 years became seemed to suffer the most severe gummy worm-related injuries as a result of this infestation.

Apparently, the worms liked him the best because he was covered in the most crumbs. Go figure.

We’ve called an exterminator, but none of us will be resting very easy tonight. Every time I turn my flask-shaped head, I swear I see a multi-colored worm slithering across the Abode floor. I can almost just feel them crawling all over me every time I inadvertently close my eyes because the whiskey starts to settle in again.

All I can do is pray to the gnome gods that be all make it ’til morning without being strangled or swallowed whole.

Terrified, paranoid, and running out of whiskey,

Yankee Doodle The Gnome