Monthly Archives: March 2012

Beer Sampler Trays are the Universe’s Gift to Gnomekind

Posted on by
Reply

Tonight I decided to get off my lazy ass and do something on a Friday night. I know…weird, right?! My ass moving destination was the liquor store. I figure…what better excuse to get out of the house than to go out and buy something that will keep me in the house! Goddamn I love logic.

Well I missed the driveway to get into Binny’s. Then I accidentally ran a red light. The I kinda sorta sideswiped this orange jeep. So I kept driving. And driving. And driving. Next thing I know, I’m in Holland, Michigan.

Holy hell there’s a brewery here! Well fancy my pants and shiver my timbers!

I was handed a sampler tray menu by a man in a beard. So many magnificent choices! After much deliberation and sneezing, I made my touch decisions and this beautiful thing arrived at my table-for-one. If you have really awesome eyesight, you can totally read the comments I made by each of the six beers I chose. If you’re blind as a bat (are bats really blind? Must Google it), I will report my brief initial reactions to you in some sort of logical manner.

1. Full Circle kolsch-style beer – More flavor than normal kolsch beers. Not too sweet.

2. Mad Hatter IPA – Not as hoppy as most IPAs. But I still hate IPAs. Very malty.

3. Sundog Amber Ale – A lot going on. Flavors galore. A lot of carbonation.

4. Cabin Fever Brown Ale – Roast-like flavor. Similar to New Castle, but more flavor. Not as heavy as a stout. Slightly smoky.

5. Dragon’s Milk Ale Aged in Oak Barrels – Milky and dessert like brew. Could only have one. Very smooth and creamy.

6. Night Tripper Imperial Stout – Several layers and a lot going on. Bitter aftertaste. Similar to The Beast at the Avery Brewery in Colorado, not less flavor and alcohol content than that.

Overall, I think New Holland Brewery is an excellent place and I recommend stopping by the next time you find yourself needing to get out of the house.

 

Sippy sippy,

Yankee & Doodle (Don’t ask about Dandy. It was a tragic incident and we don’t to discuss it in public forums.)

 

Convicted Hot Tub Moonshine Gnome Escaped From Prison!

Posted on by
Reply

If any of you gnomes out there happen to see this hardened criminal, please comment on my blog post IMMEDIATELY. He has escaped from prison.

Chaos has come over my high-rise office building and we are all shaking with fear in our finely pressed suits.

(Sidebar: You may be wondering why I’m not wearing my finely pressed suit in my profile photo. Well I submitted a photo of myself in my Sunday best and it was rejected by the Site Administrator. She said to dress casual. But I don’t like to dress casual. She can be a real bitch sometimes.)

A crime of horrendous proportions was committed in the 5th floor gym in my office building last night. The super important financial companies that occupy this building are doing VERY well financially, so we recently had a hot tub, sauna, and steam room installed.

It only takes one gnome to ruin it for everyone. Apparently some cocky bastard thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring some moonshine into the hot tub with him. And I ask you, what kind of a workout is that?!

He was promptly escorted out by building security and arrested by the GPD (Gnome Police Department). Rightfully so. How dare he think that drinking in public, let alone a corporate office building hot tub was appropriate.

I despise all of these drunk gnomes. Do you have any idea what how many lawsuits I had to file to even be accepted as a contributor to this blog? I pulled out every discrimination law in gnomish society until that bitchy administrator was subpoenaed and court-ordered to allow my anti-alcohol opinions be heard.

I could go off about that for hours. But I digress. The Hot Tub Moonshine Convict has escaped from prison. I’ve been calling the GPD every 73 minutes to check on the status of their search. Nothing has turned up yet. Gnomes can be so dang sneaky when they’re on the run from the authorities. Gah. Please help.

Disgusted and Appalled,

Phillip the Gnome

Yosemite?! You’ve gotta be smite-ing me!!

Posted on by
Reply

I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how my rock climbing training program has been going. Well, as with any professional athlete like myself, there are always minor setbacks.

I snuck inside a crack in the sliding glass door, logged online and ordered (Yes, I have my own credit card. Sheesh) these training thingies that all the big shots say are essential to anyone serious getting into top physical climbing condition.

Rock-like thingies to hang from

I tried them out last night for the first time by hanging them on a low branch of a nearby bush in backyard. I can kind of hang on them, but then what? Am I supposed to do a pull-up or something? Suggestions welcome! The the minion gnomes around me saw them hanging from the bush and decided they would be fun to use as swings. The little ones fit inside the hand holds and totally threw off my chi.

This morning, I overheard a conversation between our Master and her Man-Friend last night about taking a rock climbing trip out to Yosemite National Park. I NEED TO JOIN THEM. I think this is my destiny.  They CAN’T leave me behind! So it is time to get back to training. My first order of business is to climb over this back yard wall. My second order of business is to climb Yosemite.

I hung this poster up on this wretched wall I am trying to conquer. It inspires me.

Gnome on a 5.10a

If there are any other gnome climbers (like this buff guy with the suitcase…who are you???), I’d love to hear from you. I’m trying not to get discouraged. But I fear that if my skills are not up to par within 2 weeks, Master and Man-Friend will leave me behind, as I would surely slow down their amazing climbing skills. Sigh. Back to those hanging thingies that I don’t know what to do with.

With bleeding ceramic hands,
Horace The Gnome

Iditarod? Chiditarod? More like Gnomeditarod!

Posted on by
Reply

Some say the last great race on earth is the Iditarod. Dog sleds in Alaska? Meh. Doesn’t that happen like every day up in that godforsaken wilderness state? I mean what else do Eskimos have to do with their day. I wonder if they’re still living in igloos. This sounds like a project in which to consult my Google Machine. And okay fine I take back my derogatory comment about Alaska because now I actually want to go there for the sake of knocking on the door of an igloo and being welcomed in by a beautiful Eskimo lady for a romantic dinner of grilled mammoth and parmesan-crusted polar bear.

Iditarod

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some say that the greatest drunken hipster challenge in the Midwest is the Chiditarod. I mean, really? A bunch of wasted semi-adults somehow obtaining shopping carts, decorating them with ridiculous themes, and running through the streets of Chicago checking in from bar to bar with silly little challenges? What makes this so great. I peered from my backyard at this madness happening on the streets yesterday and spotted this wacky crew, who obviously has serious mental and emotional problems. Isn’t there a legal age limit for drinking booze, anyway?

Chiditarod

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I say the Alaskan dogs and the drunken humans have a thing or two to learn from us gnomes. Yesterday, Samuel, Joshua, Frederico, and i competed and won first place in the Gnomeditarod. The weather conditions were spectacular, considering the race took place in a kitchen. The competition was friendly, considering there was none. And the access to liquid motivation was simplified, considering our master’s liquor stash is not exactly hard to find.

Gnomeditarod

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Halfway through the race, we realized that a manatee sabotaged our cart and snuck on board. We always thought manatees were stupid, but I guess they’re not as stupid as we thought. He certainly added some extra weight, but our athleticism prevalied and we won in spite of his evil intentions.

Victorious and triumphant,

Jerry

 

Lizards > Gnomes x 100,000,000

Posted on by
Reply

I’m surrounded by these little critters who have no purpose in life and try to prove to the world that life revolves around them. Well you know what? IT DOES NOT!

I was here first. I have been sleeping with Master/Goddess Alyssa (yes ex-boyfriends, eat your heart out) for about ten years now. This is my domain and you all need to step off.

I never used to be so bitter and jaded. But you know how it gets when you’re wrinkle cream starts to be a waste of time and the world starts passing you by. Sometimes I feel so small. So insignificant.

Mini lizard

Do you have any idea how long it took me to hack into this stupid gnome blog? They’re outside screwing around for most of the day, so it wasn’t difficult getting computer access. But lizards aren’t exactly known for their technological capacity, so yeah….this is why I’m just now making my second post.

This is really just a plea for help. Someone get me out of this gnomeish hellhole. Someone help me find meaning in this wasted existence. Speaking of wasted, I think I saw a partially opened bottle of champagne in the fridge when I crawled out from under it earlier this evening. I mean, champagne goes bad if it’s left open like more than an hour or something, right.

Irregardlessly, to the fridge I go. Fellow lizard comments welcome. Gnomes can go fuck themselves.

Hugs & Kisses,

St. Bastille Day