Congratulations to Chazazz…our 2nd Gnome Scout hire!



Shout out to Chazaaz….our latest Gnome Scout hired here at!

Chazazz submitted a photo of himself on a typical workday and enclosed a Werther’s Original candy in his resume envelope. Chazaaz is a Scorpio, spends his time gambling at riverboat blackjack tables, and cries during reality shows about fat people.



Chazzaz submitted this gnome sighting while walking on stilts while walking to the park. One of his pant legs was oh-so-unfashionable rolled up on the edge. When he leaned down to straighten it out in front of a house with a white picket fence, THIS IS WHAT HE SAW!

Sneaky lil’ bugga….thinking no one would him through the leaves. Bah!

Chazazz spent a peaceful day frighting little children in the park by asking if he could draw their portrait. After his work in the park came to an end, he walked back to his home in the circus tent.

About half way through his walk, he heard footsteps behind him and became frightened. The neighborhood bullies always chased him if he was on their turf near the schoolyard after 3pm. Chazazz whipped his head around to see how close behind the bullies were. He snapped this photo just as his untied shoelace got stuck under his other shoe. Not unexpectedly, the bullies caught up to him as he was lying on the cold, hard concrete.

No one can really be sure of what Chazazz saw when he turned around that day, but barely even looks like a gnome. Perhaps that is why Chazazz was so stunned and why he lost control of his swift bodily movements.

What we can be sure of is that Chazazz will need some recovery time in the ICU before he’ll be sharing any more pictures with us as a Gnome Scout.

Tiddilywinks and butterflies,

Zookwinkle The Gnome

“Jeep Acquisition Day” ~ By Kamikaze The Gnome

I won!!!

Due to the large population of gnomes currently residing in the The Gnome Abode, Gnomeplaya conducted a contest, in which the prize would be a coveted invitation to join in Jeep Acquisition Day. We each were given a small slip of paper and asked to guess the number of hairs growing upon Gnomplaya’s head.

My guess was 102,318. The correct answer was 102,321. Since we were playing by Price is Right rules, I won and hopped into the front seat Saturday morning for a road trip to Indianapolis.

Indiana seemed really strange and dangerous. Nothing like The Gnome Abode. I suggested that everyone buckle up and make no direct eye contact with locals. When I won the invitation, I didn’t realize that I would be sharing the backseat with a grumpy lizard and a hyperactive monkey. But what else am I really going to do on a Saturday, anyway? I’ve been stuck holding this broom for years and I don’t even like sweeping!

The Jeep was purchased and a photo shoot ensued! My favorite part of the Jeep was the back spare tire. I slipped into a daydream about going for joy rides on the back tire and feeling the smelly Indiana breeze flowing through my unwashed beard. Ahhh…

After a few moments, I snapped out of my daydream and got to work. I completed a three page clipboard inspection of the Jeep’s interior and exterior and I came across this tiny gnome sitting on the front of the Jeep!

Who is he? What is he doing here? Is he an integral part to structure of the Jeep? What is his purpose? I can’t find anything about a gnome-part in the instruction manual!

I need to get to the bottom of this….

“Jeep Acquisition Day” ~ By St. Bastille Day

Much to my surprise, Gnomeplaya (Master and Goddess of All Mankind, if you weren’t aware), invited me to accompany her and Gnomanatee on an epic journey to Indianapolis to purchase some strange creature, called a Jeep.

At first I was skeptical. Gnomeplaya and I have been living together for ten years she and has failed to invite me to any major life quest EVER. And then out of the blue, I get the red carpet pulled out?! Why now? What’s changed? Something’s not right here.

Irregardlessly, I consented to this suspicious road trip to Indianapolis, Indiana. I have no idea why, but Gnomanatee was then allowed to bring a long a companion of his own. This weird little monkey in a t-shirt shows up. His name was Not Timmy. What kind of name is “Not Timmy,” anyway? If you’re not Timmy, then who the hell are you? Stupid monkeys.

Even stupider, he must have thought I was some sort of farm animal suited for riding. Immediately upon being introduced to each other, Not Timmy climbed upon my back and kept spanking me to go faster.

Goddamn that was irritating. I knew that journeying with this monkey was going to be a challenge, but I sucked it up in hopes that the journey’s reward would outweigh the annoyance of a mentally-challenged squealing primate.

I chose my seat in  Gnomanatee’s car wisely and plopped myself upon the dashboard. Since I have been stuck inside The Gnome Abode for so terribly long, my orange skin has become somewhat pasty. Therefore, I decided to sunbathe.

Lying in that sun, life felt great again. A smoothie from Burger King on one side and a medium coffee on the other….what more could a lizard ask for?

Peace and quiet. That’s what more a lizard could ask for. I didn’t get much of that due to the pesky disturbance of Not Timmmy.

There was a gnome along for the ride as well, but that is nothing out of the ordinary. Gnomes get to go everywhere around here. Gnomes get to do everything I want to do. Gnomes make me sick.

Gnomeplaya said we were getting too rowdy in the front seat and insisted that we strapped into the backseat as if we were babies or mental patients. The nerve. Gah. How embarassing.

After a long, constricted ride, we arrived at the Jeep dealership in Indianapolis so that Gnomeplaya could pick up her Jeep. She seemed to love it more than life itself. Great. Another thing for her to love more than me.

Gnomeplaya wouldn’t even let me ride inside her new blue Jeep. She said that I was a dirty animal and she didn’t want me grossing up me new, clean seats. So I had to ride on the front! Can you believe it?!

At first, I was offended to not receive an offer for premium seating inside the new Jeep. But riding on the grill of the Jeep turned out to be a dream come true. The dusty and depressing roads of Indiana were filled with bugs of all shapes and sizes. I’ve never feasted so well in all my days! Bugs, you see are my most favorite things to eat. Maybe Gnomeplaya has been listening to me after all when I complain about having to eat all that tofu and eggplant that she has around the house and comment about the lack of bugs in her dinners. Hmmm.

Biohazzard Elephants in Australia: Debut Masterpiece by Horace The Gnome

Perhaps rock climbing isn’t my destiny after all. As you may have heard, I wasn’t invited to last month’s trip to Yosemite. Lately, I’ve heard rumors of an upcoming canyoneering trip to Zion National Park in Utah. I bet I’m not going to be invited to that either. I can totally onsite a 5.1, so I don’t know why the others don’t think I’m skilled enough to join.

I’ve been hanging out with Phillip more lately. Okay say what you will, but he’s an alright guy. So what if he’s completely sober and the rest of us are alcoholics? So what if he works a 9-5 accounting job while the rest of us wear blue collars and dig holes in the backyard of the Gnome Abode. He’s been a great encouragement to me lately and trying to get me into other shit.

He tried to get me to read a book. That was lame. But he bribed me with wine, so I spaced out at the page and pretended to play along until I was buzzed enough to pass out and postpone my woes until the next day.

We decided to take some art classes together. This week was “colored pencil drawing class”. The upcoming classes are all about making sculptures, pottery, and painting. I feel like the crappiest artist ever, but Phillip says I have promise. In fact, he says I have a really good shot at landing a position at the super prestigious corporation, Free Crappy Portratis Inc., 

So here’s my first work of art. Phillip says I should start contacting galleries because this scene encompasses a true form of originality that has been forgotten in modern artistic society.

So tell me straight up. What would you pay for this masterpiece? I need to know what to set as my low ball pitch when I go in tomorrow afternoon to the Chicago Art Institute.

NEWS ALERT: Miniature Gnomes Injured in Horrific Automobile Crash

Gnome News Daily

Reported by: Gnomeplaya

9:29 p.m. CDT, April 18, 2012

RURAL GNOME ABODE REGION – Countless miniature gnomes were injured in a horrific automobile accident that occurred at approximately 8:24 p.m. next to the railroad tracks at the intersection of Mushroomhead Boulevard and Smokestack Lane.

*That graphic image was intended only for mature audiences, so if you’re immature then yeah…sucks to be you.*

The driver of the Gnomemobile, who has been identified as Morgan Freeman, was reportedly transporting an unidentified number of miniature gnomes from the “wrong side of the tracks” to the “right side of the tracks”. It is not clear what the “right side of the tracks” had to offer, as interviews of the survivors have not yet been conducted. The names of the miniature gnomes have not yet been released, but their families are scheduled to be notified about the condition of their loved one by certified mail next week or so.

The names of the driver and passenger of the orange Jeep have not yet been released by the GPD. All we know at this point is that one of them was a knight and the other one was a midget. Both individuals appeared to be incredibly intoxicated when approached at the accident scene. However, these allegations have not yet been verified since toxicology reports are still pending.

GPD Chief, Fatty McGoo, issued the following statement:

“This is an ongoing investigation and we will provide you media whores more details as they become available. At this time, it is unclear why the driver of the orange Jeep was in such a hurry. It is also unclear why Mr. Freeman was carrying six times the legal limit of gnomes in his truck bed. And finally, it is unclear how many gnomes are injured because there’s just too damn many of them to keep track of. So why dontcha piss off and the GPD get to the bottom of this mess.”

Reporting live from the accident scene, this is Gnomeplaya signing off until that guy is less cranky and more informative.

All of our hearts at Gnome News Daily go out to the victims and pray that your families have time between the hours of 9 to 5 to pick up your certified letter at the post office and discover if your loved one has suffered an untimely demise.