Life has been grim for the members of Amish Meth Lab in recent days. No venues have returned our calls. We haven’t showered or shaved in weeks. No one has gotten laid in awhile. And we pretty much all hate each other.

I also made the tragic mistake of letting Ringo drive the tour van for awhile. Lo and behold, here we are in Seattle! Seattle?! This is in the complete opposite direction that we were heading.

But eh. I’ve heard Seattle is good for bands. It worked for Nirvana. Er, maybe it didn’t. Hmm. Moving on.

Harrison said he knew a mini gnome that worked at an Asian bakery in Seattle that might be able to hook us up with some food and a place to stay. We stopped in at the bakery and turns out he’s a greeter at the front door. You might not even be able to see him very well in this picture….he’s hiding inside the basket that the creepy marshmallow dude is holding.

Anyway the little dude, who called himself Pocahoncho, slipped us some delicious puff pastries from the outer edges of the trash bins. There were raspberry pastries, chocolate pastries….you name it! Trash had never tasted so scrumptious!

Harrison asked Pocahoncho if he had some floor space we could crash on for the night so we could get out of the van for a little while. Unfortunately, Pocahoncho was somewhat homeless himself and just slept in the broom closet between his shifts.

He said he knew a guy who knew a guy who was once a body guard for the famous rapper named Lil’ Dimwit. The body guard was the only gnome Pocahoncho knew who owned his own place in Seattle. He made a few calls and within an hour, this former body guard gnome in a wonderfully sketchy neighborhood opened his door to us. Cockroaches are like butterflies in some cultures, I’m told.

The guys and I have been lying awake all night brushing off the roaches and talking about how having a rapper in the group might be just the thing we need. I mean, we’re already fusing together the most brilliant sounds of reggae, hard rock, and jazz. Perhaps what we’re missing is a rap component. We’re getting pretty desperate so we’re actually pretty willing to try anything.

Viva la rap!

Assuming we survive the night without getting shot, our next plan is to coerce this body guard host into revealing the location of aforementioned rapper in order to join forces and make big BIG success!

Jigga jigga what (yells the thug)

Der der der der der der der der der – (plays the banjo)’

McCartney The Gnome and Lead Everything of Amish Meth Lab