Zookwinkle is off to Canada! Eh?

Posted on August 29, 2012 by Zookwinkle

So. Not a single gnome from Thailand has gotten back to me in the last 24 hours. I guess it’s safe to assume no gnomes exist over there. A truly sad revelation.

Screw Thailand….I’m going to Canada!

I’ve been invited to tag along on a trip to Seattle, Vancouver, and Squamish for a fun-filled weekend! And I’ve heard rumors of city sightseeing, whitewater rafting, mountain biking, camping, bouldering, and breweries. The breweries sound alright at least.

I’ll be traveling with Gnomeplaya –

And Gnomecow –

And Peso –

And Big Hair The Texan Duck –

I got my tiny suitcase packed full of grog and underpants for tonight’s departure. This is a totally significant trip for me because up until now, The Abode’s chief travel gnome was Sheldon.

As you may know, Sheldon was paralyzed during his last adventure and is jacked up and out of commission. Therefore, it is MY time to step in and step up to be the best goddamn travel gnome the world has ever seen!

So long, Sheldon….it is a new time and a new age and I have been appointed to carry the torch for the next generation of travel gnomes.

Stay tuned for Canadian updates in the days ahead!

Go Canada Go!
Zookwinkle The Travel Gnome

Are There Gnomes In Thailand?

Posted on August 28, 2012 by Zookwinkle

I woke up Sunday morning with a wretched hangover (no surprise) and some of the guys suggested going out for Thai food. I’d never had it before, but after three hours of straight up puking, I was willing to try anything to soak up that beer.

Our waitress was totally hot and I ordered the Japanese udon soup. I got yelled at by the guys for disrespecting Thailand for ditching them for the Japanese. However, I got mad props from the guys for acquiring the waitress’ number.

Much to my surprise, I was able to keep down the soup! So when the Leonardo suggested post-brunch elephant rides, I was all over it!

Unfortunately, my hangover stomach later ended up all over me. Sucked, but how the hell do you pass up an elephant ride when it’s offered?!

Since brunch, I’ve taken it upon myself to learn about Thailand in hopes of meeting more pretty ladies, riding more elephants, and eating more Japanese soup.

It occurred to me that I’ll need a place to stay when I go over there and have someone to show me around. However, I’m a little uneasy about the gnomes that live in Thailand.

Google tells me that Thai gnomes look like this:

Or like this….

Or even this!

Are these REALLY gnomes? I mean, I’m not trying to be racist or anything, but they just don’t look like us! Can they be trusted?

If you’re a gnome and you’re Thai, please PLEASE message me! Let’s chat!

Muchas gracias (See! I’ve already been learning your language!)
Zookwinkle, the Hottest New Travel Gnome on the Circuit

RSVP for Roxy’s Vegas Birthday Bash!

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Roxy

I’m the f#&cking birthday girl and I’d like to wish myself a happy f#&cking birthday! Come out and get drizzunk with me tonight!

It’s a Monday….yadda yadda ya. Get over it. Take a look at me. A good, looooong look. Do you really wanna miss out on all this!?I’ve been swiggin’ that Captain since 10am and am already half in the bag. The cupcake bag that is. Goddamnit I’m funny!

People are giving me all kinds of stuff today. Surely you don’t want to miss out on giving me stuff, do you? You never know what you might get in return….ahem….AHEM.

Caesar ordered me a stripper who showed up on my doorstep with a sign. I’ve learned that it’s not hard to find ANY kind of stripper here in Vegas….even gnome strippers.

My favorite folksy heavy metal reggae gnome band, Amish Meth Lab, recorded this amazing rendition of “Happy Birthday” for me.

AND my favorite gnome rapper, Lil’ Dimwit, recorded this version of “Happy Birthday” for me too.

Look at all the freaking cards the guys back at The Abode sent to me!

Awww I kinda miss them. But not enough to leave my diner in Vegas and mope around pretending to work in the yard again and shit.

Besides bragging about all the cool stuff I’m getting today, the whole point of this post is to invite you to come celebrate ME! TONIGHT!

Don’t even dare ask how old I’m turning today. A true lady never reveals her age.

WHO: Gnomes and humans who come bearing gifts

WHAT: Celebration of another year more beautiful

WHEN: Monday, August 27th at 9:00pm PST

WHY: B/c you love me and want me to have your gnome baby

WHERE: The Gnomecino Casino Lobby, The Strip, Las Vegas

XOXO,
Roxy The Gnome

Gnomes v. Trolls: A Not-So-Epic Battle In The Countryside

Posted on August 22, 2012 by SpeakNoGnome

If you know anything about us at all, you know we hate trolls and trolls hate us. Although no one is really sure why, this hatred has been brewing since the beginning of time. Or at least since 1977 when Wil Huygen wrote the cleverly titled book, Gnomes.

The hate raged on throughout the 1980’s. For blatant examples, check out David The Gnome.

According to David, trolls are “malevolent and clumsy creatures who always make trouble for the other inhabitants of the forest, as well as gnome poachers.”

Last weekend, I went out for a stroll in the countryside with a few of my distant cousins. Little did we know, but we had stumbled upon troll territory.

Living at The Abode, I’d never seen such creatures! I’d only read about them in books and seen them on TV! But they exist! And they are wretched indeed.

They stared at us, with their wacky ass hair. Blue? Teal? Magenta? WTF.

My cousins and I stared back, holding our ground. They’re pretty beefy. I wasn’t scared.

They kept staring at us with those beady little eyes. I’d had enough. “Stop staring already!” I yelled. “Do something!”

Hence began the attack. One particularly creepy one started crawling up dear cousin, Shebangbang. I ran to his aid and pushed it off with my foot. The creepy troll just kind of gurgled and crawled away.

“Really? Really! That’s all you got?” I screamed with my fists of fury pumping in the air.

No response from the trolls.

“Eh.” Shebangbang shrugged, took a puff of his pipe, and grabbed my shoulder to push me back onto the hiking path.

So I guess that was that. An epic battle? Perhaps not. However, I highly doubt that this will be my last encounter with the trolls. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you gnomes reading this: keep your eyes open and your fists pumping because you never know when neon hair will appear in unexpected places.

Death to trolls (because they seem kinda lame),

~Speak No Gnome, GPD Depuy Sheriff~

Gnomeland’s Most Wanted: Rubber Duckies In Disguise

Posted on August 21, 2012 by SpeakNoGnome

You humans seem to think that rubber duckies are all fun and games. I’m here to inform you all that you are wrong. Dead wrong. They are dangerous, they are criminals, and they all need to be deflated with a sharp pin…one by one.

Young humans seem to enjoy them. (Naïve little freak shows.)

Old ass humans seem to think they’re pretty swell as well. (Put on a freaking shirt!)

Ernie, of the dynamic Bert & Ernie Duo, sings a whole song about them and I’m pretty sure he’s not even a human OR an animal! It’s Rubber Duckie You’re The One if you dare expose yourself to this unprecedented evil.

It’s a little known fact that gnomes and rubber ducks have never seen eye to eye. This goes beyond the obvious fact that they are short and we are awesome.

However, I never thought I’d see the day when The Gnome Abode became plagued by gang activity. But here we are, suddenly scared to come out of our mushroom homes because of the flash mobs and petty theft all of the sudden. There’s only one group of terrorist to blame….the rubber duckies.

I first encountered the Rubber Duckie gang over the weekend. There were four of them and only two of us. Richard Simmons Jr. is kind of a pansy, so it was more like one and a half.

I couldn’t believe what I saw….I was speechless! These gang members were dressed up LIKE GNOMES! Did those sneaky ass bastards really thought they were going fool us by infiltrating our gnomish society? Really? REALLY?! Ha! You have underestimated the power of the gnomes, my dear ducklings.

I had lunch with the monkeys today and they reported an infiltration in their neighborhood as well. We all gotta stick together and fight for justice. Gnomes and monkeys (who’s that pig?) shall stand as one!

These four shifty critters are now on the top of Gnomeland’s Most Wanted list. Here are their mug shots so you can properly identify them when they invade your house to splash shampoo in your eye or fart in your bathwater.