Monthly Archives: November 2012

Gnomes’ Political Turmoil Results in a Re-staging of St. Bastille Day’s Coup

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…TELEGRAM TRANSMITTAL BEGIN…

ME THINKS ME HEARS CHATTER ABOUT POLITICAL TURMOIL AMONGST THEM PESKY GNOMES.

MY PRIOR COUP FAILED – IT IS TRUE. I HAVE YET TO OVERTAKE GNOMISH LANDS FOR ME OWN PERSONAL AMUSEMENT.

BUT THOSE WRETCHED CREATURES WERE MORE STABLE BACK THEN. RUMORS OF AN OVERTHROW OF KING JERRY ARE PREVALENT.

THOSE MONKEYS WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY THIS TIME EITHER.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR A RE-STAGING OF MY COUP.

ST. BASTILLE DAY DOES NOT RUN FOR ELECTIONS.

ST. BASTILLE DAY DOES NOT COMPETE WITH GNOMES.

ST. BASTILLE DAY WILL EAT GNOMES’ FACES OFF IF THEY DO NOT OBEY.

…TELEGRAM TRANSMITTAL END…

Is Les Claypool Really a Gnome?

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Remember me? I’m the cello player from the gnome band, Amish Meth Lab! You don’t? Whatever. You aren’t very memorable yourself.

As a musician, I’m always on the lookout for good gnome music. One of our newest gnome scouts introduced me to a new song today. It’s called “Granny’s Little Yard Gnome” by Les Claypool.

It’s an absolutely brilliant song! Now that you’ve watched the video, take a glance over the lyrics:

Content to stand alone
Waiting, watching, guarding Granny’s home
His face reflecting simple joy
But he is not a happy
Plaster boy “Careful sonny, not too close
Unless you want a lethal dose Of hardening…”
Patiently waiting for some shade
Wishing he could run away
Suppressing any urge to roam
Such devotion from a little gnome
I once saw a calico that thought he could fly
And then the lanky Doberman that tinkled in my eye
A pacifist by nature, with amble common sense
But if I had my druthers, I’d rather be a fence
Now Granny, she’s a good one, she shines me now and then
And come around this springtime, I’m due for paint again
On keeping Granny comfy, I try and earn my keep
I’m just wishing I had some eyelids, so I could get some sleep

He gets us! He really gets us! All this time I thought Mr. Claypool was a human. But there is no way that a human could write with such gnomish compassion and understanding. No, sir.

I hereby promote the theory that Les Claypool is really a gnome. A gnome in disguise as a human. It’s a very convincing disguise.

Discuss.

Your drummer and resident conspiracy theorist,
Starr The Gnome

Seamus Challenges Brother in Heated Gnome Presidential Race

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My brother, Sheldon, is such a pretentious ass. Who does he think he is, proposing a gnomish democracy and all?!

Well, if he thinks that he’s going take over The Gnome Abode UNCONTESTED, then he’s got another thing coming! Let this blog post serve as notice of my intention to run for the office of President of The Gnome Abode!

I’m really not sure what the job of President entails because we’ve never had one. Regardless, I think I’d make a better one than my brother. Why, you ask?

Well, while he spent all those years trotting around the globe, I was sitting back here  making loads of cash. Odd jobs here, odd jobs there, an inheritance that mysterious was sent to me…it’s all been padding my bank account. And all while I’ve been spending my precious time getting to know all of you each and every day, right here at home.

That’s right, gnomes, I’ve got money!

Just think of all the things that we can do with lots of money! We can build roads! We can start a school! We can build a hospital! We can buy lots and lots of booze!!!

A vote for Seamus is a vote for money! I figure that there will be some sort of debate and/or battle-to-the-death scheduled soon. I’ll wait patiently until I receive proper notice to show up and whoop Sheldon’s ass. You humans may have wrapped up your election last night, but we gnomes are just getting started.

I hope King Jerry is okay with all of this. Hmm.

Your fearless wannabe leader,
Seamus The (Brother of Choice) Gnome

A Vote for Sheldon is a Vote for Gnome Democracy!

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I can’t help but pick up on all the human chatter about the elections today. Humans all around the United States of American are waiting in lines to color in boxes in tiny booths to express their freedom.

As a gnome, I generally feel pretty free. But when I stop to actually think about it, I guess that I’m really not free at all! The Gnome Abode has a king….King Jerry….and no society with a King can really be free. Sure, Monarchies have kinda sorta worked for some nations in the past. But I’m not so sure that a Monarchy best fits the gnomish way of life.

With that being said, I hereby announce that I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE GNOME ABODE!

If The Gnome Abode has a constitution or even any kind of written set of laws, well, I haven’t seen it. And I don’t think it exists. And if it does exist, it’s probably bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, King Jerry is an alright guy. He’s the kinda guy I like to have a beer with from time to time and bitch about women with. But he is not a leader.

Leaders are supposed to hold meetings and propose changes that will help gnomes in our community. Leaders are supposed to negotiate trade with foreign gnome lands and sign peace treaties with neighboring human nations.

I can do all of these things for you…and more!

As a retired travel gnome, I have seen a lot and learned a lot throughout my years. I have an understanding about how other gnomish societies are run and what we can do to improve upon our own.

In a Democratic society, there must always be choices and these choices should be left up to the gnomes who live in it. I encourage all of your gnomes reading this to consider running against me for the office of President, but with me for the ideal of Democracy.

Potential candidates should make a formal announcement via blog post if they wish to be considered for the race. The cut off date to post your announcement is one week from today, November 14th, so that should give you plenty of time to develop your platforms. After that, I will coordinate a debate about the candidates’ platforms and develop a board of elections to host a formal vote in the upcoming weeks.

Also, I will need a running mate. If any of you are interested in having a fun-sounding title and doing very little work, let me know! A second name on the ballot will give me just enough diversity to win, and for that I thank you in advance.

May the best gnome (ME!) win!
Sheldon “Presidential Candidate #1” The Gnome

 

Roxy Gets Drunk in Madison

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I woke up in an armchair in Madison on Sunday morning with puke in my hair. No, that’s not uncommon. But it uncommon for it to happen in Madison. Of all places Madison.

The armchair belonged to three brothers…..The Brothers LeBeef. I’m not even joking. That was really their name. Carlos, Fernando, and Ramon LeBeef.

 

Fernando, who seemed to be the friendliest of the bunch, filled me in on the previous night’s shenanigans. Apparently, I met the three of them at a restaurant convention back home in Vegas and they convinced me to come check out their little eatery back in Wisconsin.

I really gotta get my head checked out. I don’t remember any of that! Except the restaurant convention. They served fabulous crème brûlée at the welcome party.

I can’t seem to find my purse anywhere and without my purse, I have no ID. Without my ID, I can’t catch a flight back home to Vegas. So I guess I’m stuck in Wisconsin.

YAY!

I made the boys pick their favorite local brewery and take me there to get drunk and drown my sorrows of being in Wisconsin. They picked Vintage Brewing Company.

 

Samplers are a girl’s best friend because they don’t force us to make up our minds. Dating three brothers kinda falls along the same lines, dontcha think?! Wink wink 🙂

Anyhoo, the boys didn’t let me down with Vintage. Their beers were delicious! As if it’s not obvious, my memory kinda sucks. And although I remember very little about this past weekend, I do remember a couple of my past beers. Most memorable were the Scaredy Cat Oatmeal Stout (because every girl needs her breakfast) and the Hibiscus Saison (because it reminded me of all the beautiful flowers my admirers have given me.

I know a lot of the gnomes on here write elaborate brew reviews with tasting notes and pairing recommendations. But I’m a simple gal with simple tastes and big tits. I drank the beer, it was good, and I got drunk.

End of story.

Now how the hell am I gonna get out of this god-forsaken state?!

xoxo,
Roxy The “bitches call me a ho but they’re just off their game” Gnome