Monthly Archives: December 2012

A Software Company called GNOME?!?

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Have you ever “Googled” yourself? Now, now. Keep your mind out of the gutter. What I’m asking is have you ever typed your name into Google to see what shows up?

Sometimes the results are surprising. You might find a link to an article you wrote for the junior high newspaper. You might find that police arrest report that you thought had been expunged from your record.

Well in my case, I found that there is a software company called GNOME! Who do they think they are?! Gnomes don’t make software! We can barely run a functional blog website!

According to the company website, “GNOME is an international community dedicated to making great software that anyone can use, no matter what language they speak or their technical or physical abilities,”

How’d they managed to get the domain name gnome.org anyway? I’m not aware of any actual gnomes that work for GNOME. This makes no sense. We are clearly being misrepresented.

They even have a section on their site that explains how the company is “people centered.” Now why the hell would a gnome company be people centered!?

I am putting together a formal complaint with the better business bureau about this so-called GNOME company. I plan to put it in the mail on Monday, so if you find yourself as outraged as I do about this fraudulent business, please send me your contributions.

Their logo is a footprint! We wear boots and we never leave footprints behind! OMG!

Furious!
Phillip The Gnome

Planning a Headless Wedding

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I’m sure you caught the recent police report about the horrific indecent regarding my loss of head.

I regained consciousness this morning at about 6:30am. I know what you’re thinking. How exactly does one regain consciousness when one has no head? It’s a valid question and I’ll give you that.

You see, gnome heads aren’t built like human heads. Our neurological brain waves transcend the boundaries of space and time in a magical way that telepathically connects to the other bodily functions.

That’s what Dr. A. Chu told me anyway. He’s the only doctor around here, so I have no choice but to believe him. Although its not attached to my body, it is a completely functional, thinking, breathing, head. So in that regard, I guess I’m doing okay.

Thanks for the flowers and balloons you all sent to my hospital room.

I am NOT doing okay though because I am planning my wedding! How can I be a bride with no head? The wedding photos will look ridiculous. There’s no way I can wear a veil. When it comes time to “kiss the bride” Jerry will have to stoop down and pick my head up off the floor.

I was always skeptical about that Costa Rican quack doctor who performed that plastic surgery head transplant back in the late ’80’s. He assured me that the head was just as stable as a normal head, but apparently he was wrong. Before that transplant, old head was ugly….but at least I was in one piece!

I AM A MONSTER!

I AM HIDEOUS!

WHAT IF JERRY CALLS OFF THE WEDDING!

HOW CAN HE LOVE ME WITH NO HEAD?

HOW WILL IT LOOK FOR A GNOME QUEEN TO RULE WITH NO HEAD?

ARE THERE ANY REPUTABLE SURGEONS WHO CAN HELP ME?

MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

WHY MEEEEEEEEEE????

Sobbing in solitude,
Tabitha The Gnome

Chia Pet Gnomes?!

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Thanks to one of our very best gnome scouts, we are now aware that our brethren are being marketed as chia pets!

Chia pets are American styled terracotta figurines used to sprout chia,where the chia sprouts grow within a couple of weeks to resemble the animal’s fur or hair. Moistened seeds of chia are applied to the grooved terra cotta figurine body.

But gnomes? Chia gnomes? Really!?

The jury is out on our opinion regarding this matter. Please discuss so we can hold a formal debate and decide whether we are wholeheartedly FOR or AGAINST being grown as chia pets.

Looking forward to your honest opinions,
Ramon LeBeef The Gnome

 

LaChouffe Gnomes Spotted at Local Bar

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As we all know, LaChouffe is the most famous (and maybe the only?) gnome brewery out there. We gnomes love good beer, especially when our distant Belgian relatives are famously displayed on the bottles!

We also love seeing our Belgian counterpats pop up in unexpected bars around the world. Most recently, LaChouffe gnomes were spotted at a bar called The Green Lady in Chicago.

Where else have YOU spotted the LaChouffe gnome?

Please let us know so we can be sure to support those bars too…..and so we can go get drunk there ASAP!

Drink up, gnomes. Because for goshsake…it’s Tuesday and it’s not gonna be again for a week!
Caesar The “party with one suspender strap flying” Gnome

Gnomes and Smoking

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The National Institutes of Health go on and on about how smoking is bad for humans. Although it might be logically deduced that smoking is also bad for gnomes, there have been no scientific studies to prove it.

Since the earliest recorded evidence of gnomish history, gnomes have been smoking various things from pipes. Pipe smoking has developed into a way of life and a piece of our culture.

One of the largest gnome “producers”, Kimmel, boasts of many gnome species smoking pipes.

Underground trance artist, Wild Wild Chris, even has a song called Gnomes and Pipes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwTXTmmf_tk

As your neighborhood gnome physician, I hereby declare my intention to conduct a research study involving the positive and negative effects of smoking upon gnomes.

If the results show minimal health risks, then by all means…..smoke up! However, if the results are truly negative, I will direct my next study to reasonable alternatives to pipe use.

Healthily Yours,
Dr. A. Chu, MD