Monthly Archives: February 2013

Happy 1-year Anniversary to The Drunk Gnome!

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gnomeiversaryFebruary 29, 2012 was a boring, hungover day in Chicago. We gnomes were celebrating Leap Day and tossing bottles of champagne around. No one knows exactly who suggested it first, but the idea of a “gnome blog” came up.

A few shots and incidents of porcelain kissing later, www.thedrunkgnome.com was born!

And it has been a great first year for us drunk gnomes! 262 blog posts and 112 Facebook likes later, we feel like our thoughts and concerns are finally being heard. There was talk of having a 1-year anniversary party, but there is one teensy little problem…

THERE IS NO FEBRUARY 29, 2013.

Leap day, goddamnit! Does this mean we can’t celebrate our 1-year anniversary until 2016?!

anniv2GAH! Somebody DO something! Somebody throw us a party anyway! Either today or tomorrow will do! We’ll wait (somewhat) patiently for your invite.

Celebrations aside, thanks so much for stalking us on the Interweb and entertaining our awesomeness for the past year. 2013 is going to be even more amazing, so you’ll definitely want to keep up with our shenanigans on Facebook and Twitter.

Slobbery smooches on your ankles and cankles,
All of the gnomes at The Drunk Gnome

Gnome Literature Series: “The Gnome: Small, Fat, and Fabulous”

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Howdy ho…your gnomish librarian, The Quick Brown Fox, here! You’ve probably read some of my book reviews and brilliant commentary about gnomish literature. Well, in the spirit of gnome education, I am starting a new initiative today!

THE GNOME LITERATURE SERIES!

The first book that will be featured in the series is called The Gnome: Small, Fat, and Fabulous”. All books in the series will be highly educational and teach you everything you want to know and MORE about US!

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Your very own copy of Joel Jessup’s masterpiece can be aquired through the Interweb.

Published in August 2011, “The Gnome is the essential field guide to these magical garden-dwellers, produced after years of undercover research and exhaustive interviews conducted with gnomes in their natural habitat. Packed full of fascinating gnome facts, funny captions, and over 100 charming images of adorable gnomes, this book is ideal for all gnome enthusiasts.”

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I’ll be featuring each informative section, one by one, in the days ahead. Where better to start than the introduction!

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KEY POINTS TO ADD TO YOUR CHEAT SHEET

  • Gnomes are popular and nonthreatening
  • Santa is an over-sized freak show of a gnome who likes cold climates
  • Gnomes were first spotted by humans in late 19th Century Germany
  • Gnomes were uncooperative in the interview process for this book
  • Gnowledge and gnomsense are legitimate words

Signing off,
The Quick Brown Fox, the gnome

Gnomes prepare for “impending doom” snowstorm

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Humans seem to have all sorts of lists about how to prepare for impending doom snowstorms. Stocking up on survival items and keeping warm always top their lists.

We gnomes, however, have our OWN list! This is how we plan to get through this nasty Midwest day.

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  1. Snowboard on garden tools rather than walking to avoid slippage
  2. Wear the super-insulated pointy hat in the back of your closet
  3. Call in an order for beer delivery and make some poor sap bring it to you
  4. Hitch a ride atop human’s cars rather than trying to see above the snowy wheel yourself
  5. Refuse to do any work, even if you work from home
  6. Wear contacts instead of glasses so they don’t get all snow-spotted
  7. Set out all of your dishes on the front porch to catch as much as you can to melt into deliciously chilled drinking water

Hang in there gnomies…
Dr. A. Chu, MD, Chinese medicine professional and general gnomish advice giver

Hard Feelings From Concrete Heads

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According to a recent Mother Nature Network article, gnomes have always been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show because of their “lowly and distracting” status.

flower showLowly?

Distracting?

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay fine. So we’re being let into the show this year. That’s great and all, but it doesn’t mean we’re not still bitter. The show runs from May 21–25 on the grounds of the Royal Hospital Chelsea in London.

BBC had better be programming this shit stateside.

What makes us feel better about this whole ordeal though? Fairies and pixies are still prohibited from appearing in displays at the event.

BOO YEAH, BITCHES. Those pansies got nothin’ on us.

Hate mail lives on,
Lil’ Dimwit the Gnome