Monthly Archives: May 2013

Gnomes Reach Out to Extended Family with “Garden Fun”

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Top o’ the mornin’, gnomies!

Just like you humans, we gnomes have mothers. This female life source tends to offer advice and recommendations, even when our step slows down and out beards turn gray. Sometimes, we brush off our moms’ words as being just plain silly. But other times, mommas offer seriously legit advice.

I received an email forward today from my gnome momma today. The email included a link to a website, Garden Fun. When you take a look at this page, you might first think that these gnomes are for sale.

NOT TRUE!

Sites like this are actually social media resources for us gnomes. They let us locate and communicate directly with our distant cousins via the Interweb. While we may no longer have the addresses or phone numbers for our relatives, sites like Garden Fun let us “online stalk” our kinda-sorta-loved ones and track them down (whether they want to be or not).

Do you want to eat some good tacos with your Mexican great-uncle, El Gnombre?

gnombre

Want to ask out that girl you met in the bar, Marilyn Monroe the Gnome?

marilyn

Pick up some latkes from cousin, Shalon Gnome?

latkes

Or arrange a hunting trip with the Butch Huntress Gnome, your long lost sister-in-law?

hunter

So don’t feel bad for the gnomes listed on Garden Fun. They’re not for sale and they’re not being held captive against their will. Thanks to sites like this, we can chat and meet up with all of the aforementioned extended family…. and many others we’d tried to forget about for so long.

Have a most splendid day!
Spechelle The Gnome

Gnomes Boycott IKEA Due to Unnecessary Violence

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Have you seen the most recent ad from everyone’s favorite mediocre furniture company? I hate to expose you to the horrific nature of this ad, but I just thought you should be aware of what’s going on in the backrooms of those hideous blue and yellow consumerism warehouses.

Without further ado…

Let me just say that the gnomes lived on this property first. The dumb blonde-haired man and woman are nothing more than unwelcome intruders and violating trespassers.

Secondly, the gnomes never used violent force to provoke the undue violence inflected upon them in return. So what if a gnome kicked over your chair? Don’t smash him. So what a gnome wants to hump your leg? Let him! You might end up liking it too.

Lastly, this is not the end of the story. There are just as many gnomes as dumb blonde humans with disposable furniture around the world. The fight has just begun. And until it gets more intense, we refuse to stand next to, sit upon, or even lay eyes on a piece of your shitty material goods, IKEA.

SO THERE!

We demand that you retract your ad and issue a public policy to gnomes worldwide. We don’t like your furniture and we don’t like your elitist attitude.

Sincerely and disgruntled,
Kamikaze the Gnome