It is my great pleasure to announce that peace has been restored to The Gnome Abode and the evil forces of that lizard, St. Bastille Day, have been conquered once and for all!

After a many sleepless hours of negotiations that had reached a standstill, we sought the assistance of third party neutral mediation. Three monkeys showed up. They seemed neutral enough. After our free initial consultation with the monkeys (who called themselves Nappy, Happy, and Fatty), a suggestion came up that we present our evil opponent with a peace offering. After paying the monkeys a $2,000 flat fee for the mediation services, they suggested offering St. Bastille Day a lady lizard to keep him entertained and to take his focus off of us gnomes.

Phillip, Kamikaze, Sheldon, and a couple other muscular gnome dudes accompanied me to the prearranged location for the peace talks.

We were all a little weary of that evil lizard, who had somehow managed to acquire a crown. I swear I saw a Cabbage Patch wearing an “Irish Princess” tierra last St. Patrick’s Day that looked eerily similar.

The wise mediator monkeys presented St. Bastille Day with a very attractive lady lizard that they somehow smuggled across the border from Mexico. I could see the drool dripping off of Bastille’s long tongue as he stared all googily-eyed at the peace offering.

We explained to the lust-struck lizard that we meant no harm to him and simply wished to maintain our distance within The Gnome Abode. We proposed that he and his new lady companion maintain residence in the back half of The Abode, while we occupy the front half of The Abode.

For the first time in all my years of knowing this old dirty bastard, even during the college days, he replied with a reasonable and polite response. He approached the lizard lady and instantly fell into a trace as he stared into her deep black eyes.

They started making out. We started to excuse ourselves from the room and bid a fond farewell to our mediator monkeys.

Then things started to get just a little more freaky. Apparently, it has been over ten years since Bastille has been in the presence of a lady lizard. I guess he was a little backed up.

And then we all witnessed the unspeakable…..a sight that we will never be able to erase from the back of our ceramic eyelids.

But at least he’s given up his crown and acknowledged my rightful kingship over The Abode. Peace has been restored and all the gnomes are rejoicing with shots of tequila over our victory. Now we can only hope that a litter of little lizards don’t magically appear one of these days….

Your Forever King,

Jerry The Gnome