So I hooked up with this new chick gnome that started hanging around here. Okay fine, maybe “hooked up” is too strong of a word. I actually didn’t even get to touch her. Lame, I know. But I ended the night in an urgent care facility, so I totally have an excuse.
Benjamin and I were having our weekly Yard Work Assessment Meeting at this shithole cafe that we go to for the free wi-fi. Then Sheldon shows up with this chick, Tabitha, and sits next to us. She looked smokin’ hot in red. (Add one point). Then she kept blabbering on to Sheldon about god-knows-what and wouldn’t shut up.(Subtract one point). Ben and I couldn’t get any of our spreadsheets done, so I went over to try to quiet her down with my kingly powers. The only way I could get her to quit blabbering about her Gucci purse and daddy’s trust fund was to agree to hang out with her Saturday night.
I didn’t really give a shit where we went and she was hell bent on going to some weird raw fish place. First, she ordered this stuff called “Saki”. Much to my surprise, this stuff was awesome! (Add a point). I shot back a couple of ’em tiny glasses and she kept giving me dirty looks. I have no idea why. I kept double-dog daring her to do a shot contest with me, but she scoffed and sipped her tiny glass with her pinky up. I just don’t get this woman. (Subtract a point).
Then without even consulting me, she ordered us this stuff she called “sushi”. I took one bite and started gagging with disgust. (Subtract a point). How do those little Japanese gnomes live off of this crap?! Strangers started saying that I was choking and needed the Heimlich Maneuver. I really wasn’t choking at all, but I figured I wanted this gross raw fish out of my mouth and the date was kinda boring anyway, so this might spice it up.
A huge piece of eel flew out of my mouth as our waiter dry humped me from the back. The eel almost hit Tabitha square in the forehead. Oh my god, it took all I had to not die of laughter at that exact moment. She made a comment about my skin looking nasty, and for once she was actually right. (Add a point). I guess I was not only disgusted by the eel, but also allergic to it.
Tabitha was kind enough to get us a cab and go with me to an urgent care clinic. By the time the doctors had had their way with me, she was wasted and the second bottle of Saki was empty. I certainly can’t fault a lady for enjoying a tasty beverage. (Add a point). 
So yeah, I guess we didn’t really hook up at all. But it sure was an interesting evening. Granted, I haven’t had a date in about forty-three years, so perhaps this is how the modern dating world works now. The guys keep bugging me that I’d better knock someone up quick so I have an heir to the throne once I kick the bucket. I refuse to touch Roxy and her GTD’s (gnomal transmitted diseases) with a ten foot pole. So I guess Tabitha it is!
I’ll wait another day or so before I call her just so I don’t seem desperate. On our next date, we gotta get this Saki flowing a bit earlier to give myself any bit of a chance to get my chubby ceramic hand up that sexy apron of hers.
Rating this first date a positive one (+1),
Jerry The King Gnome
WHO: Every last one of you gnomes. This is crucial to our survival.
He must be taken down. Not lightly, not slowly, but with force and without mercy. This is a call to arms for all of Gnomekind. Bring yo’ wives, bring yo’ kids, bring yo’ cheep beer, and bring yo’ ammunition.
