Author Archives: Kamikaze

About Kamikaze

Gnomes Boycott IKEA Due to Unnecessary Violence

Posted on by
4

 

Have you seen the most recent ad from everyone’s favorite mediocre furniture company? I hate to expose you to the horrific nature of this ad, but I just thought you should be aware of what’s going on in the backrooms of those hideous blue and yellow consumerism warehouses.

Without further ado…

Let me just say that the gnomes lived on this property first. The dumb blonde-haired man and woman are nothing more than unwelcome intruders and violating trespassers.

Secondly, the gnomes never used violent force to provoke the undue violence inflected upon them in return. So what if a gnome kicked over your chair? Don’t smash him. So what a gnome wants to hump your leg? Let him! You might end up liking it too.

Lastly, this is not the end of the story. There are just as many gnomes as dumb blonde humans with disposable furniture around the world. The fight has just begun. And until it gets more intense, we refuse to stand next to, sit upon, or even lay eyes on a piece of your shitty material goods, IKEA.

SO THERE!

We demand that you retract your ad and issue a public policy to gnomes worldwide. We don’t like your furniture and we don’t like your elitist attitude.

Sincerely and disgruntled,
Kamikaze the Gnome

See! The Travelocity Gnome is a Good Dude After All (so stop yo’ hatin’)

Posted on by
Reply

The Travelocity Roaming Gnome Donates Great Gnome Nabbing Stakeout Car to Texans Can Academies’ Cars For Kids Charity Auction

DALLAS, March 26, 2013 /PRNewswire/ — Texans Can Academies , a nonprofit charter high school organization serving at-risk youth, recently accepted the 1987 Chevrolet Caprice Classic automobile used by the Travelocity Roaming Gnome as his stakeout car in the Great Gnome Nabbing campaign.  The stakeout car was driven by the Roaming Gnome through Dallas and New York City on the lookout for travelers to choose as the winner for an around the world trip.TEXANS CAN ACADEMIES MENDIS TRAVELOCITY MARQUEZ CHEVROLET CAPRICE CLASSIC

Since returning to Texas, the Roaming Gnome’s car has been vacationing at Travelocity headquarters in Southlake.  Company leaders decided to continue the car’s mission of good works by donating it to Dallas-based non-profit charity auction group, Cars for Kids.

Cars for Kids is a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization benefiting Texans Can Academies and is the only car donation program in Texas that is operated by the charity it serves. For more information, visit: http://www.texanscan.org or http://www.carsforkids.org.

The proceeds from the weekly auctions support more than 7,000 students at the ten Texans Can Academies working to earn their high school diplomas. The nonprofit believes helping these students receive a strong education is critical to breaking the cycle of inter-generational poverty and illiteracy.

Just sharing the love,
Kamikaze The Gnome

Photo credit: TEXANS CAN ACADEMIES

Let’s All Go to Tuscon on Saturday!

Posted on by
1

 

AHH! Tuscon has a Gnome Fest?! How did we just hear about this now?!

festQUICK! Everyone book a flight to Arizona STAT!

They’re trying to set the Guinness World Record of largest number of people dressed as garden gnomes. What an awesome record!

At least 479 people need to dress up this Saturday at the 2nd Annual Tucson Gnome Fest. The current record holder is the UK (damn those Brits) with 478 people dressed up as gnomes at the Foyer of Malvern Theaters in Worcester.

gnome festvanWorcester….isn’t that a sauce? And that record was set back in 2011. It’s time for America to step up and dress up like gnomes. Shiiiiiit….

There’s supposed to be a beard competition (ya’ll goin’ down), food trucks (yum), drawing contests (ya’ll goin’ down again), and lots of other awesomeness.

If you dress up, you also have a chance to win a big ass TV or electric guitar. We need those things in The Gnome Abode!Gnomefest

A whole bunch of bands are playing too so check out the lineup on the Metro Gnome Music page.

If you can’t find your old gnome costume in the back of your closet, they’ll sell you a hat for 5 bucks. Don’t worry….2 of those bucks go to the Humane Society….because gnomes are cool like that.

This article is how we found out about the event!

xoxo,
Kamikaze the South-Bound Gnome

Photo credit: Metro Gnome Music

Badass Biker Gnomes Cause Concern

Posted on by
Reply

 

Galena, Illinois markets itself as a wholesome, family friendly sort of place. But lately, it’s the absolute last place we’d let our gnome children run around.

A gang of badass biker gnomes have infiltrated northwest Illinois and don’t plan to leave anytime soon.

These exclusive photos were snapped by a master gnome scout while trying to enjoy a vacation in Galena with her husband. Their quaint vacation quickly plagued by fear of violence, lawlessness, and terror.

Due to the badass biker gnomes very recent appearance in this community, we cannot be what they are capable of or exactly how dangerous they are a this point. We are not yet even sure what the motorcycle gang calls themselves. Their activity is being closely monitored by GPD and details will be released once officially confirmed.

At this point, all we really know is that we’re freaked out. These gnomes are not like us and we’re not comfortable with their leather-wearing, sunglass-wearing, motorcycle-riding ways.

So where do these types of gnomes originate, you ask? Our first obvious guess was the South. But we did track down at least one of their points of origin. And it wasn’t too hard either. Apparently, these leather-wearing bad-mouthed degenerates are whoring themselves out on the Interweb!

Despicable.

So Galena, Illinois….be careful out there. While you’re wining, dining, and 69’ing with your sweetheart this holiday season…credible gnomish danger could be just around the corner, ready to slash your ceramic throat with a whip and chain.

Peace be with you, and also with you.
Kamikaze The Gnome

We’re Goin’ Turkey Huntin’

Posted on by
Reply

 

So who’s up for some late night turkey huntin’ to burn off some of today’s gluttony and prepare for tomorrow’s gluttony?

There may only be two hours of Thanksgiving yet, but I’m making the most of these two hours. Besides, Black Friday shopping is for the chick gnomes. Manly gnomes like me shoot stuff. I’m sure Tabitha will have lots of dumb girl posts about “shop hunting” conquests tomorrow.

Evan Gelical The Gnome hunts with a net. I prefer hitting turkeys over the head with my broom. What do you hunt with?

Muchas gracias for two more hours,
Kamikaze The Gnome