DISCLAIMER: Due to numerous discrimination lawsuits filed against us, we were court-ordered to include Phillip in our blog. Phillip is adamantly opposed to all forms of alcohol and debauchery.
He works a 9-5 job pushing papers around. Rumor has it that he’s an accountant in Pittsburgh, but when you ask him directly, he is never able to provide a clear answer as to what he does for a living. He refuses to wear anything except three-piece suits, and we had to roofie him to stuff him into this traditional gnome outfit for his profile picture.
We welcome you to send Phillip as much hate mail as possible.
APRIL FREAKING FOOLS!
Think you’re gonna get rid of us that easy? Heh. You hooligans got another thing coming.
Happy April 1st from the magnificent highways of Southern Wisconsin!
P.S. – No, I’m not pregnant…no matter what the other jokester gnomes try to tell you.
P.P.S. – The hammocks in that calendar photo look mighty swell. Anyone know where I can pick one up that’s my size?
xoxo,
Phillip the Gnome
As Cowabunga mentioned yesterday, we’re pretty much all still battling our New Year’s hangovers in The Gnome Abode. I just rolled out of my mushroom top for the first time all week and walked to the kitchen for some greasy grub.
I noticed a new calendar hanging on the wall. It had been turned to January 2013! Apparently, somebody is more with it than the rest of us around here!
I was very excited to see that we have a new gnome calendar though. There was a yellow Post-it note on it from our dear friend, Jean Fenstermaker. Jean runs a gnome habitat called Gnome Man’s Land in Santa Rosa, California.
Our very own master and goddess, Gnomeplaya, is good friends with Jean and apparently acquired this calendar to help us wee gnomes keep better track of our drunk days!
Hey c’mon. I only missed 3 days so far. There’s plenty more days in January for me.
The feature gnome for January is driving a truck full of flower pots with the caption, “A gnome eagerly drives to the Gnome Gardeners’ Garden to delivery some much sought after attractive flower pots.”
Flower pots? Already? Are those freaking Californians getting ready for Spring already?! We’re still freezing our beards off over here at The Abode and flowers are the last things on our minds.
Regardless, I can appreciate the hopeful nature of this photo to help get our frozen bums through the next 27 chilly days ahead.
Happy January to everyone!
Phillip The ‘Almost Sober” Gnome
P.S. – After writing this blog post, I found myself researching “frozen gnomes”. You’ll never guess what I found. There’ an ice cream shop in Burlington, Connecticut called The Frozen Gnome!!! I smell a road trip coming on…
Have you ever “Googled” yourself? Now, now. Keep your mind out of the gutter. What I’m asking is have you ever typed your name into Google to see what shows up?
Sometimes the results are surprising. You might find a link to an article you wrote for the junior high newspaper. You might find that police arrest report that you thought had been expunged from your record.
Well in my case, I found that there is a software company called GNOME! Who do they think they are?! Gnomes don’t make software! We can barely run a functional blog website!
According to the company website, “GNOME is an international community dedicated to making great software that anyone can use, no matter what language they speak or their technical or physical abilities,”
How’d they managed to get the domain name gnome.org anyway? I’m not aware of any actual gnomes that work for GNOME. This makes no sense. We are clearly being misrepresented.
They even have a section on their site that explains how the company is “people centered.” Now why the hell would a gnome company be people centered!?
I am putting together a formal complaint with the better business bureau about this so-called GNOME company. I plan to put it in the mail on Monday, so if you find yourself as outraged as I do about this fraudulent business, please send me your contributions.
Their logo is a footprint! We wear boots and we never leave footprints behind! OMG!
Furious!
Phillip The Gnome
We recently welcomed a new gnome, Lurleen Lumpkin Who Sits on a Pumpkin, to The Abode. And to properly welcome her, we served up some amazing ice cream WITH PUMPKIN AND VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kamikaze and I were put in charge of watching the ice cream maker. I did not object to this assignment whatsoever because of what was actually brewing inside that glorious machine.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup PUMPKIN (scooped out of a real pumpkin)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup firmly baked packed brown sugar
5 egg yolks
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp salt
pinch of nutmeg
1 cup VODKA
Waiting for that blasted machine to finish up was like torture. I wanted to dive into that spinny thing so badly. But alas, I had some restraint.
But in the end, oh was it ever worth it! Drunk off ice cream! What an amazing feeling it is!
We were so drunk that the resident monkeys even convinced us to share it them. The fattest one took two bowls, which pissed some gnomes off. They got over it though. Drunk monkeys are actually pretty hilarious…who knew.
So yes….welcome Lurleen! If your company brings us more boozy ice cream, then we are destined to be the best of friends!
Yours in ice cream headaches & hangovers,
Phillip The Gnome
As the loyal online followers you all are, I’m sure that you recall my recent disturbing post which documented my revelation that I had unknowingly been working for an illegal gnome trade cartel.
http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/gnomes-on-the-9-to-5/im-working-for-an-illegal-gnome-trade-cartel/
Well I write to inform you all today, that justice has been served. Or at least begun to be served. Well at least one dude was caught. You gotta start somewhere, right?
Last Friday, there was a huge bust in an undisclosed high rise building around the busy intersection of Dearborn and Adams. The GPD was in full force and the gnome cops were riding horses (which I found to be incredibly amusing in a “giddy-up cowboy” kinda way).
It was just revealed in today’s Gnome Daily News morning show that one of the ringleaders of the illegal gnome trade cartel is one of our very own!
ZOOKWINKLE!
He’s a regular blog poster on this site and seemed to be a pretty alright gnome. It just goes to show that you really don’t know anyone….not even the ones you live with. Where does this leave us gnomes and all of humanity? God, I’m getting depressed.
Anyway, the news report said that Zookwinkle was arrested and hauled off to the police station for waterboarding and flogging. The most recent Twitter update indicates that he is still be confined in shackles and chains in the Interview Room, as the GPD attempts to extract the names of other prominent criminals in this horrific scandal.
But don’t you worry….as soon as I hear any updates about that evil Zookwinkle’s conviction, sentencing, or blood pressure levels, you’ll be the first to know.
I still can’t believe Zookwinkle was involved in this. We just had lunch at the Corner Bakery last Tuesday and he never even blinked an eye when I mentioned my discovery about who I’d been inadvertently working for.
I need to pop some happy pills. We’ll talk soon, okay?
Phillip The Gnome