My dearly beloved gnomes,

Whether you’re spending today making out with your honey buns or making out with a box of bon bons alone on the couch, just remember that we have all kinds of creepy, weird gnome love for you. Even if no one else does.

Even if you tie our hands behind our backs…..or if you set us atop mushrooms…

…or even if you’ve fallen in love with a non-gnome…

We still love you.

Mushy gushy kisses and groping,
Roxy The Slutty Gnome

PS – don’t text me ’til after 9…I have a hot date. Hookup details to be dished in my next post 🙂

In case you forgot, we gnomes are big believers in the tarot. Our master medium and sorceress, The Lady of Mt. Goom, performs a tarot card reading each morning for the residents of the Gnome Abode.

While Ms. Goom will perform individual gnomes who seek out her counsel (and pay a pretty penny), she provides this one group reading, which will apply to the lives of all residents, as a public service. Today she provided us with the Wheel Spread.

She flipped the cards over and they landed like this:

The card in the #1 position was the 5 of wands. In a reading, this card means that others want what you want and the contest is likely to be exciting and heated, filled with action and rivalry.

The card in the #2 position was the chariot card. This card exemplifies the hero’s journey and represents ambition, determination and youthful journey.

The card in the #3 position was 8 of wands. This card marks the end of a period of stagnation and delay, the reaching of a goal, and plans nearing completion.

The card in the #4 position was the 7 of pentacles.This card indicates that hard work is about to pay off financially and it’s time to reevaluate goals, dreams, relationships, etc.

And the card in the #5 position was the justice card. This card indicates that legal problems will wane and a judgement is in favor.

As a self-proclaimed professional tarot read-ee, I interpret this reading to mean the following for me personally:

Everyone is super jealous of me because I’m so beautiful and talented. The other lady gnomes will do whatever it takes to bring me down. I am a heroine in my own right and fighting the good fight for what is true and good in this abode. I don’t realize it yet, but I am very close to reaching my goal and moving on to my next business venture. This next venture is going to make me filthy stinking rich and the people around me aren’t going to good enough to hang out with anymore. All those pesky lawsuits filed against me for theft, deceit, and general scamming will be wiped from the books once I have enough money to pay off the authorities and I’ll live happily ever after!

xoxo,
Roxy the Gnome

Hey ya’ll, so does anyone know this guy?

I think we hooked up last night and I can’t seem to find his name or number anywhere in my apartment. God I hate myself when I do this..

It all started when my boss/pimp/boyfriend, Humps, and I went out to dinner.

Actually, we never even got any dinner. This shitty restaurant he took me too had the worst freaking service EVER and we sat staring at empty bowls for almost an hour! Humps was clearly bored sitting there with me and kept texting his “other girls” under the table. He denied it, of course. Little does the bastard know how good my peripheral vision is!

At one point, I looked over and he had a huge smile on himself and seemed to be giggling. He looks really stupid when he giggles….with that bobble head and all. He noticed me staring, cleared his throat, and quickly made up some excuse about a late-night business meeting with a high-roller casino client that he had to duck out for.

As he awkwardly grabbed his coat and headed toward the door, I decided to get the waitress’ attention by pulling my dress over my head and flashing the entire restaurant. It worked!

I had her cancel our food order and bring me three bottles of wine instead.

By this point, I had made best friends with all the single dude gnomes in the room. Boys are so sweet once you pull your dress up! One dude actually rode over on a duck to introduce himself.

A duck! For realz!

Duck dude ordered a couple more bottles of wine and before I knew it, I didn’t even remember being pissed off at Humps! I think I took a ride on that duck….and other things….but I can’t really be sure. Apparently, one of the bars we went to after the restaurant had a photo booth, and that’s where I got that pic of us. Whoever came up with that whole photo booth idea is a genius.

So…..hottie on a duck? Hey! Where are you? Who are you? Text me!

I’m trying to be single again! That is, unless Humps puts another bounty on me for straying. But whatever, these are all problems we can work through. I’m sure he won’t do to you what he did to the last gnome!

Text me!

XOXO
Roxy The Gnome

I’m the f#&cking birthday girl and I’d like to wish myself a happy f#&cking birthday! Come out and get drizzunk with me tonight!

It’s a Monday….yadda yadda ya. Get over it. Take a look at me. A good, looooong look. Do you really wanna miss out on all this!?I’ve been swiggin’ that Captain since 10am and am already half in the bag. The cupcake bag that is. Goddamnit I’m funny!

People are giving me all kinds of stuff today. Surely you don’t want to miss out on giving me stuff, do you? You never know what you might get in return….ahem….AHEM.

Caesar ordered me a stripper who showed up on my doorstep with a sign. I’ve learned that it’s not hard to find ANY kind of stripper here in Vegas….even gnome strippers.

My favorite folksy heavy metal reggae gnome band, Amish Meth Lab, recorded this amazing rendition of “Happy Birthday” for me.

AND my favorite gnome rapper, Lil’ Dimwit, recorded this version of “Happy Birthday” for me too.

Look at all the freaking cards the guys back at The Abode sent to me!

Awww I kinda miss them. But not enough to leave my diner in Vegas and mope around pretending to work in the yard again and shit.

Besides bragging about all the cool stuff I’m getting today, the whole point of this post is to invite you to come celebrate ME! TONIGHT!

Don’t even dare ask how old I’m turning today. A true lady never reveals her age.

WHO: Gnomes and humans who come bearing gifts

WHAT: Celebration of another year more beautiful

WHEN: Monday, August 27th at 9:00pm PST

WHY: B/c you love me and want me to have your gnome baby

WHERE: The Gnomecino Casino Lobby, The Strip, Las Vegas

XOXO,
Roxy The Gnome