What the hell day is today? I think it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Or maybe that’s next weekend. Whatever, when you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have the days all run together anyway.

I was at a St. Patrick’s Day party last Saturday night, regardless of whatever day it was. And I just woke up about ten minutes ago. What? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a 46 hour hangover recovery sleep!

Much to my surprise, there was this cute little dude gnome next to me when I woke up. He is still passed out so I snagged his smart phone to post a blog update and maybe shower off whatever the hell happened last night. Here’s a picture of him sleeping. See….isn’t he kinda sorta hot in that older, more experienced kind of way?

Dear lord, there’s a lot of green beads on the floor. But oddly, no clothes. Where. Are. My. Clothes.

I’m walking around his gnome-abode right now scoping out what his life looks like and for some kind of hint of what his name might be. So far, I haven’t found any clues to his name. But he does seem oddly obsessed with racquetball and badminton. Um yeah. His furniture isn’t very nice. He probably has some kind of a shit job.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. I remember him being really sweet at the party last night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something. He gave me the cutest little charm for my purse. I have no idea why he had a charm in his pocket in the first place, but why ask questions when being given a gift?

Ugh, he’s still snoring. Screw the shower. I need an Egg McMuffin and a Red Bull. His phone’s kinda badass…I think I’ll just “borrow” it for awhile. Surely he won’t mind after all of the things I did to him last night.

Gnomie don’t play dat.

Tip toeing out the front door in an extra-large Van Halen t-shirt,

Roxy the Gnome

Well I guess no one is out there reading this after all because I’m still hanging out eating cereal and watching cable in this stranger’s house. I took a shower and got all the green jello off though. It wasn’t easy, believe me. That stuff gets in places….you have no idea.

A few gnome dudes come in and out of the house during the day, but they barely even notice I’m here. I think I’ve stumbled upon some sort of hippie commune. I’ve been reading about those on the interweb. I still haven’t found my magenta stiletto, but I did find a cute pair of silver flats in under a couch in the living room. They’re a teensy bit too big for me, but I don’t dare walk around here with bare feet. I’ve seen some bugs crawling. What kind of bugs? Don’t ask me that! How the hell should I know. And no, I haven’t gotten used to bugs from living outside most of my life either.

It’s hard being the only girl gnome in a family of eleven. My ten brothers never understood why these weird things started sticking out of my chest or why I spent two hours every day curling my golden locks around my pointy gnome hat. “Just stick it on and hurry up!” they’d yell. OMG! WTF? My brothers never understood me. I ran away last week because I had to prove to them that I wasn’t a mistake. Mom and Dad always told me I was the “oops” but I’m NOT an “oops” just because I’m a girl!

Gwen Stefani said it best….

I'm just a girl!

So whatever, here I am. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to notice me. Waiting to see another girl gnome somewhere! ANYWHERE! Sheesh I know you’re out there! If you can hear (read) me, write me back PLEASE! I need to talk about vaginas and nail polish for godssake.

xoxo

Roxy the Gnome

Um, I’m not sure if anyone is reading this or out there or what. But I woke up in a bathtub with chunks of green jello in places that green jello should just never be.

I remember being invited to this housewarming party by some cute lil’ gnome fella I met at the bus stop the other day. I remember a bathtub full of green jello. I remember people digging green jello out of the bathtub with spoons. I’m pretty sure there was more in that jello than just jello.

Anyway, it’s 5pm and I just work up in this weird house and no one seems to be home. I can’t find my phone or my car keys so I guess I’m just stuck here. One of the gnomes that lives here left his computer on and this weird blog thingie was up. I figured this is my only way to reach the outside world. SO HI OUTSIDE WORLD!!!

Anyway, I’m not all that concerned about getting out of here. They have cable and a bunch of cereal in the cupboards. What I AM concerned about is my magenta stiletto. I have one of them but not the other, so this is clearly a problem. I took a picture of the one I have so if you see it somewhere out in the world, you can blog back to this thingie and hopefully someday we’ll be reunited.

Magenta Stiletto, Size 0.07

I wear a size 0.07 (yes I know it’s the perfect size feet for my gnomish body type) so you might have a hard time seeing it if some beer bottles or cigarette butts are covering it up.

Irregardlessly, please contact me somehow! I think I got a bunch of gnome guy’s phone numbers last night but I lost my phone so I won’t have a booty call tonight unless you’re reading this. Hint. Hint.

xoxo,

Roxy The Gnome