Last night, I had the pleasure of becoming just a tad more cultured AND religiously biased. At the same time! A couple of the guys and I went to see the musical, The Book of Mormon, and it was truly spectacular!

However, the most spectacular thing about wasn’t the clever verses or the choreographed dancing. IT WAS THAT A SHOUT OUT WAS GIVEN TO US GNOMES!!!

Don’t believe me? Here’s a link to one of the very first songs in the performance, “Two by Two”. Scroll over to time mark 1:07 to be amazed:  http://youtu.be/Hgubhr119io

BOO YEAH! Told ya!!!

Here’s how the most awesome part of that song goes:

Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young.

Yes, sir.

Your mission brother will be… Elder Grant.

That’s  me. Hey, brother!

And your mission location is… Norway.

Oh wow,  Norway: land of gnomes and trolls!

Hold up. Wait a minute. Noway is the land of gnomes? We don’t even know any gnomes in Norway! England, Australia, Germany, USA….sure! But Norway?!

And trolls too!!! Why are those bastards always lurking around where we are?!

I do believe this shall need to be the subject matter of an entirely separate blog post. We must conduct research about how our cousins over there are dealing with the nasty ass trolls and all those vikings. A Norwegian investigation must commence ASAP! A call to arms, gnomes….not hands, ARMS!

Until then, I’ll keep humming the catchy tunes from the performance and sliding across the kitchen linoleum pretending I can dance. I’m not gonna say that I’ve converted to Mormonism at all, but then again…our gnome prophet, EvanGelical, is still trying to get us started with our very own gnomish church. (Psst….hey buddy, how’s that going anyway?) I guess I’ll hold out for that.

Besides, I’m not convinced that the actual “holy” book mentions gnomes even a single time. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Yours in Joseph Smith-ness,
Dumblebore The (slightly more cultured) Gnome

As Cowabunga mentioned yesterday, we’re pretty much all still battling our New Year’s hangovers in The Gnome Abode. I just rolled out of my mushroom top for the first time all week and walked to the kitchen for some greasy grub.

I noticed a new calendar hanging on the wall. It had been turned to January 2013! Apparently, somebody is more with it than the rest of us around here!

I was very excited to see that we have a new gnome calendar though. There was a yellow Post-it note on it from our dear friend, Jean Fenstermaker. Jean runs a gnome habitat called Gnome Man’s Land in Santa Rosa, California.

Our very own master and goddess, Gnomeplaya, is good friends with Jean and apparently acquired this calendar to help us wee gnomes keep better track of our drunk days!

Hey c’mon. I only missed 3 days so far. There’s plenty more days in January for me.

The feature gnome for January is driving a truck full of flower pots with the caption, “A gnome eagerly drives to the Gnome Gardeners’ Garden to delivery some much sought after attractive flower pots.”

Flower pots? Already? Are those freaking Californians getting ready for Spring already?! We’re still freezing our beards off over here at The Abode and flowers are the last things on our minds.

Regardless, I can appreciate the hopeful nature of this photo to help get our frozen bums through the next 27 chilly days ahead.

Happy January to everyone!
Phillip The ‘Almost Sober” Gnome

P.S. – After writing this blog post, I found myself researching “frozen gnomes”. You’ll never guess what I found. There’ an ice cream shop in Burlington, Connecticut called The Frozen Gnome!!! I smell a road trip coming on…

If you’re keeping up with your daily gnome news, you’ll remember an article from yesterday that posed the question if Christmas is a holiday for gnomes as well as humans.

I’ll agree with yesterday’s author that Christmas can be a confusing time for us. There’s plenty of elves posing as us, even know everyone knows how lame elves really are. But I have something that just may renew all of you gnomes’ faith in Christmas.

It’s a card….a Christmas card…but not just any Christmas card. It’s a Christmas card with gnomes all over it. Gnomes! A card for US!

The photo doesn’t do it justice, but there are tiny tabs on the front with numbers from 1 through 24. Each day during the month of December, I’ve pulled a tab to count down the days until Christmas. Each tab represents a gift and reminds me about the gnomish spirit of giving.

For example, under tab #14 was a couple of dogs. Under tab #22 was a basket mushrooms. And under tab #8 was a bouquet of flowers.

Today, the 23rd of December, offered me a church scene with large stained glass windows and candelabras. I only have one more tab to open, tomorrow for the 24th,  and then it’s Christmas day! I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s gift is!

So even though I’m still sitting on a pumpkin (and you probably think pumpkins are out of season, which they’re NOT!), I am a huge fan of Christmas. And although our new gnome spiritual leader, Evan Gelical, hasn’t exactly converted me to religion, I still love this time of year.

So as my dad used to say, “Merry Christmas Adam!” (because tomorrow’s Eve’s day and Adam deserves his own too).

xoxo,
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome

We gnomes tend to be technologically challenged and slow moving. Not to mention that uploading pictures with nubby little hands is really difficult.

BUT…

We finally got our pictures from the December 1st Festival of the Gnomes uploaded!

We’re planning on writing an extensive review of the event for an upcoming International Gnome Club Newsletter, but in the meantime….we thought we’d share some pictures!

Sheldon and I attended the event which was hosted by Billie Limacher of the Bicentennial Park in Joliet, Illinois.

The event sold out! Ticket sales were at an all-time high and gnomes and gnome fans came from miles and miles to participate in this day of gnomish celebration.

There were tons of gnome crafts made by local artists. Check some of these out!

There was music…

There was a raffle for a handcrafted plush gnome doll. We didn’t win and we’re still pissed.

There was a magnificent musical play that was performed at 1:00 and 3:30pm that day.

Child actors, adult actors, and actual gnomes sang, danced, and acted out skits that were all relevant to our gnomish way of life.

I’ve never been to any event quite like this. It had absolutely everything a gnome could hope for. EXCEPT BOOZE. The only suggestion I have for the 37th Annual Festival next year is an ample supply of LaChouffe and Gnomegang.

Wish ya could have been there to experience the day with us….maybe next year….and maybe drunk.

xoxo,
Seamus The Gnome

Are you wondering what to get that special someone for Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa this year? Don’t delay…time keeps ticking away!

Why not gnome crafts! C’mon! Everyone loves gnome crafts!

Are you good at sewing? Why not create a gnome cross stitch pattern or better yet….a plush gnome doll!?

Is your special someone a sports fan? How about an athletic gnome pennant!?

Are you an expert in glass blowing? Surely, someone out there is, right? Why not create a beautiful and functional paperweight in the shape of a gnome hat?!

Are you a good cook? How ’bout whipping up a batch of gnome chocolates to satisfy your loved one’s sweet tooth?!

Are you still stumped? If so, you’re probably REALLY DUMB! But we gnomes are good natured creatures and we’ll try to help you anyway. Let us know if you need some more gift suggestions….we have millions!

Fa la la la la, la la la la
Lurleen Lumpkin, The Gnome