Category Archives: Gnome Brew Review

Gnomes’ palates are among the best of the world. In this site, I plan to provide you with review of each and every adult beverage that I become intoxicated on. You’re welcome in advance.

There’s a Gnome Beverage Company!?!?

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It’s no secret that we gnomes like to brew our own beer. It’s not that your human beer isn’t good. It’s just fine. But we like to use particular combinations of gnomish spices that you’ve never heard of. We also like to increase the alcohol content to levels not yet approved by the human governments.

I went to the neighborhood brew & grow store yesterday to pick up some supplies for my next batch. I turned a corner and I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Gnome Brewing Company!?!?

How have I never heard of this glorious place before?!

I promptly bought out the entire stock of whatever the hell was in this pakcet and scurried home to research their website. www.gnomesoda.com

My only complaint is that they seem to only brew soda….not beer. But that’s okay. Gnomes don’t have to drink to be drunk to be real gnomes.

Most of us do enjoy a daily dose of intoxication. But that’s a choice and not a requirement. Although we don’t really understand the concept of not getting drunk…we still love and respect you freaks of nature.

And if I wasn’t totally obvious….this is a shameless plug for your brewing company so I do expect a free tour with samples when I make my way to Oregon.

Cheers!
X’mores the gnome

LaChouffe Gnomes Spotted at Local Bar

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As we all know, LaChouffe is the most famous (and maybe the only?) gnome brewery out there. We gnomes love good beer, especially when our distant Belgian relatives are famously displayed on the bottles!

We also love seeing our Belgian counterpats pop up in unexpected bars around the world. Most recently, LaChouffe gnomes were spotted at a bar called The Green Lady in Chicago.

Where else have YOU spotted the LaChouffe gnome?

Please let us know so we can be sure to support those bars too…..and so we can go get drunk there ASAP!

Drink up, gnomes. Because for goshsake…it’s Tuesday and it’s not gonna be again for a week!
Caesar The “party with one suspender strap flying” Gnome

How I Found Two Dates in a Corn Maze

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Hey ya’ll! I recon you’ve been hearing about me. Apparently, they don’t see too many lady gnomes around here and I’m the newest lady of the bunch.

I’m Lurleen and I was named after a famous county singer. I’m an aspiring country singer too but more than I love country music, I LOVE PUMPKINS!

I’m the eldest lady gnome in The Gnome Abode and it’s getting rough for these old bones of mine to stand all days like those young whippersnappers do. I picked up these here pumpkins back in ’86 and haven’t stood up from them since!

To welcome me to the clan, my new friends at The Abode invited me to go to a corn maze and a pumpkin patch. I figured why not? That’s right up my alley!

My poor knees wouldn’t let me walk around the corn maze so I just positioned myself in the middle of it so everyone could walk by me to hear my music and introduce themselves.

How sweet my music must have been because all the boys were stopping by to say hello! What a lovely confidence booster for an aging gal like myself!

A nice young lad named Boris Periwinkle asked me to go fishing the next morning. The thought of catching fish made me squeamish, but for the sake of making new friends, I agreed to the date.

Although he didn’t catch a gosh dern thing, he was quite the gentleman. He held his little lantern up for me to see under the pier and complimented me on my dark skin tone.

Much to my surprise, not only gnomes were at this corn maze. There were also monkeys! I never knew that gnomes and monkeys lived so closely together, but I guess I still have a lot to learn around here.

One of the monkeys, whose name was Peso, was particularly charming. He didn’t really speak English well, but then again, I always was a sucker an accent!

Peso invited me to a nearby brewery for dinner the next evening. I’d never been to a brewery before, but the kids around here seem to think they’re all the rage. We went to Mickey Finn’s Brewery and I was completely overwhelmed by how many beers there were!

You see, I’ve never been a big drinker. My momma always said that nonsense was for the menfolk. But when in Rome…

My favorite beer was the Pineapple Express. Pineapple beer! Who knew such existed?!

Peso described the beer as hoppy, with citris and floral overtones. Apparently, this monkey knows his beer. I just thought it was yummy! Peso didn’t tell me it was a 10% alcohol beer! Apparently, that’s a lot! I felt really dizzy. It was a weird feeling.

Have I ever been drunk before? Oh goodness no! Surely, this isn’t what “drunk” feels like is it? There’s a lot of hype about “drunk”. I always figured there was more to it.

Both Boris and Peso were very nice boys and they treated me like a lady. If either of them should call again, I will likely welcome a second date.

Your sweet lil’ ole’ granny type,
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome

PS – I’m trying to book a show so I can play my songs for all of you. Does anyone know of a good venue?

Roxy Gets Drunk in Madison

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I woke up in an armchair in Madison on Sunday morning with puke in my hair. No, that’s not uncommon. But it uncommon for it to happen in Madison. Of all places Madison.

The armchair belonged to three brothers…..The Brothers LeBeef. I’m not even joking. That was really their name. Carlos, Fernando, and Ramon LeBeef.

 

Fernando, who seemed to be the friendliest of the bunch, filled me in on the previous night’s shenanigans. Apparently, I met the three of them at a restaurant convention back home in Vegas and they convinced me to come check out their little eatery back in Wisconsin.

I really gotta get my head checked out. I don’t remember any of that! Except the restaurant convention. They served fabulous crème brûlée at the welcome party.

I can’t seem to find my purse anywhere and without my purse, I have no ID. Without my ID, I can’t catch a flight back home to Vegas. So I guess I’m stuck in Wisconsin.

YAY!

I made the boys pick their favorite local brewery and take me there to get drunk and drown my sorrows of being in Wisconsin. They picked Vintage Brewing Company.

 

Samplers are a girl’s best friend because they don’t force us to make up our minds. Dating three brothers kinda falls along the same lines, dontcha think?! Wink wink 🙂

Anyhoo, the boys didn’t let me down with Vintage. Their beers were delicious! As if it’s not obvious, my memory kinda sucks. And although I remember very little about this past weekend, I do remember a couple of my past beers. Most memorable were the Scaredy Cat Oatmeal Stout (because every girl needs her breakfast) and the Hibiscus Saison (because it reminded me of all the beautiful flowers my admirers have given me.

I know a lot of the gnomes on here write elaborate brew reviews with tasting notes and pairing recommendations. But I’m a simple gal with simple tastes and big tits. I drank the beer, it was good, and I got drunk.

End of story.

Now how the hell am I gonna get out of this god-forsaken state?!

xoxo,
Roxy The “bitches call me a ho but they’re just off their game” Gnome

Zookwinkle Explores Canada Even More…Squamish Style!

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I’m sure you’ve been wondering, and yup I’m still in the great land of Canada! Where in Canada, you ask? Good question, I say!

I’m in Squamish, which is said to be the ‘outdoor recreation capital of Canada’. Therefore, I’ve vowed to spend as much time in the outdoors as gnomishly possible.

It isn’t hard either because this place is freaking gorgeous…..hellooooooo photo shoot opportunities!

What a charming young fella, wouldn’t ya say?

And there are so many places for good gnome homes here. (Pssst! Hey King Jerry! How ’bout you pick up a lil’ real estate for The Abode residents out here?!?)

Speaking of gnome homes, I was starting to get super bummed that I couldn’t find any gnomes living in Canada. Anywhere in this huge nation! Just think of it…a gnomeless land. I take it back, don’t think of it. It’s just too preposterous.

After an afternoon of hardcore mountain biking, I went for a stroll along the downtown stretch towards the town’s brewery for my daily sippy sip. Lo and behold, what do I see in a quaint community garden? A tiny green hat poking through the leaves!

I squealed with delight and rushed over to greet my new Canadian best friend. Turns out his name was Dudley Somethingson and boy, did he ever have some great stories to tell!

Also turns out that he was appointed by the International Gnome Advisory Committee (IGAC) to maintain law and order over all of British Columbia. The whole providence! What a powerful gnome!

You’d think Mr. Somethingson would have an ego the size of a human with all that power and responsibility, but nooooo! He was so down to earth that I couldn’t help but sit and listen to his stories about winning rock climbing and whitewater kayaking championships in the past century.

Sigh…what a guy.

I was sad to leave my new buddy, Dudley, but I knew he had lots of important Canadian work to do. So I decided to drink my sorrows away…..as is the standard. Helloooooo Howe Sound Brewery!

This spot offered an excellent mountain view and brew combo. Peso came along. He’s alright I guess…for a monkey anyway.

He doesn’t speak or read shit for Canadian so I had to do all the work. Fortunately for him, beer work is my speciality. Besides, gnomes are inherently multi-lingual.

I picked out sample sizes for us to share of the Garibaldi Honey Pale Ale, Diamond Head Oatmeal Stout, Baldwin & Cooper Best Bitter, Whitecap Wheat Ale, Rail Ale Nut Brown, 4-Way Fruit Ale, and King Heffy Imperial Hefeweizen.

The 4-Way Fruit and the Hefeweizen were definitely my favorites and I helped myself to seconds….and thirds….and well, then I lost count. That monkey really needs to handle his liquor. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Hey Dudley, if you’re reading this: First off, congrats on gaining access to the Canadian Interweb! Second, shoot me an email when you get a chance regarding those article ideas we discussed. We’d love to have you featured as an international blog poster! Call me!!!

Eh?
Zookwinkle The Traveling and Wanna-Be Canadian Gnome