Category Archives: Gnome Beats

Check out Amish Meth Lab (That folksy heavy metal reggae gnome band) Our very own rockin’ gnome band!

Also make sure to follow gnomish rapper, Lil’ Dimwit and dub step spinner, DJ Spaghetti Sauce, the gnome.

Stay tuned to meet the musicians and keep up with their upcoming shows!

Pizza Orgasmica & Brewing Company: A Review By Self-Proclaimed Ladies Man, Lennon The Gnome

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Well I’m finally sober enough to write a post. So hey guys, what’s up!?

We’re still in the tour van in the middle of the desert somewhere. I have no idea how we get wi fi out here but hey, who am I to complain?

Um. Um. What am I supposed to write about here? I need a story. What can I remember from our time in San Fran after our debut performance?

Pizza Orgasmica! That’s what I remember…of course!

http://www.pizzaorgasmica.com/

So this busty chick kept hanging around back stage after our show and stroking her fingers through my beard. It was dripping with sweat from our hardcore performance, but she didn’t seem to mind. She grabbed my trumpet from its case when I wasn’t looking and proclaimed that she wouldn’t give it back until I wined, dined, and sixty-nined her.

Fine. Whatever.

Just to get my trumpet back, (I swear that was the only reason) I took her to Pizza Orgasmica & Brewing Company. She’s a chick gnome so I’m assuming that her taste buds aren’t nearly as advanced and mature as mine. So I tried one of everything and well, she kinda sat there. Meanwhile, this lovely waitress delivered me brew after brew after brew.

I jotted down some tasting notes on the back of a crumpled receipt. Some of the most profound works of literature have been written in similar fashion. Just ask Emerson.

 

1. Golden Ale: no taste, watery, tastes like biscuits, gives me dry mouth aftertaste, bad for kissing

2. Four Grain Hefeweizen: orange aroma, smooth and creamy all the way through to the aftertaste, kiss me now

3. IPA: smells like a fern or plant of some kind, standard IPA, bitter lingering aftertaste, if IPAs smelled like weed I’d probably like them more

4. Blueberry Best Bitter:  awesome most blueberry smell I’ve ever smelt, good taste too, bitterness isn’t overwhelming and counters the sweetness, better than a recent blueberry oatmeal stout I had, feeling very healthy after a serving of fruit.

5. Porter:  average and insignificant, no smell, hint of barleywine flavor because of the alcohol content but otherwise totally standard, I think I fell asleep

6. Peach Pale Ale:  amazing on smell, I want to rub this all over my body like lotion,  tastes a bit bitter but balances out the sweetness, 6% alcohol isnt’ bad for a fruity beer, feeling excessively healthy after two servings of fruit

7. Pale Ale: I disagreed with myself at every sip as to whether it was bitter or sweet, super standard start, yet a smooth pleasant aftertaste, pale Cali gnome chicks need to go out and get a tan

8. Kolsch: no real comment, meh, how can you even really improve a Kolsch anyway? The name is fun to say five times fast though.

9. Amber Ale: bitter start to finish, not too heavy, nothing unique, a bit of a burnt toffee aroma which was nice. I need dessert….who’s still serving dessert at this time of night?

And so, boys and girls….the moral of the story is: Who says you can’t have your orgasmica and eat pizza too? Thanks, Roxy.

Ooooo Ahh Ahhhhhhhhh,

Lennon The Gnome and Trumpeter for Amish Meth Lab

 

 

Titties and Tarot Cards

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Greetings Interweb! Just your friendly cello player here. We’ve been in the van for a few days now since our debut show at the Cow Palace. The show was pretty rad and stuff. There were at least five gnomes in the crowd, which is four more than our pre-tour show last fall.

We’re headed to some godforsaken place in Nevada to play a show over there. McCartney and Lennon have it under control, I guess. I’m just along for the ride and the strumming.

For whatever reason, this weird chick keeps following me around. I don’t even know how she got in the van in the first place. But here she is. Flashing her titties around and chugging whiskey from the bottle.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really mind her all that much. She just kinda freaks me out. Today she pulled out these gnome tarot cards and starting giving us all tarot card readings. Based upon the cards she flipped over, she told me that my one true love was right before my eyes and I didn’t even know it. She also told me that the callouses on my hands would eventually heal and I would live to the age of 68.

I’m not sure what I make of all this fortune telling bullshit. She set some sort of crystal ball on the dash of the car and then was devastatingly surprising when it rolled off and shattered into a million pieces when McCartney slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a poor, defenseless raccoon crossing the road.

I wouldn’t mind banging her one of these days. But I have this nagging feeling that if I don’t cuddle long enough or call soon enough afterwards that she’ll put some sort of evil curse on me. Maybe she already has. This is all very unsettling.

Oh but she looks amazing in that tank top. And the mountains out here look kinda amazing too. And as far as I’m concerned, this is the only future that I’m thinking about right about now. These guys had better stop for a brew and piss break within the next 20 minutes or I’m gonna get cranky.

Peace out,

Starr the Gnome, Cellist for Amish Meth Lab

Where are we and what is that wretched smell?

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For the first couple days I asked questions like that. But now I’ve stopped even trying to get a straight answer. This is life on the road in a tour van.

So yeah, bitches…my voodoo spell totally worked and I am have been inducted as the one and only groupie of the HOTTEST all gnome band, Amish Meth Lab!!!!!

They had a show a few days ago or something. I think it was in San Fran….I think so anyway. After the show, I remember Starr throwing me over his shoulder and into the tour van.

I’m trying to retrace my the steps of my past few days right now, so bear with me, K? There were bottles being passed around. I remember sitting on Starr’s lap. I remember puking. I remember Starr holding my hair back. Um…um….ok that’s all I got for ya right now.

After some minutes/days/hours passed, I woke up in the middle of the night and scratched my head, only to find there was peanut butter in my hair. Too hungover to do anything about it, I lied back down on the floor of the van and let the soothing roar of the engine let me return to the unconscious world.

I have decided that Starr is my soul mate. He’s so mysterious and so hot. The chase is always better than the catch anyway.

I overheard Lennon and McCartney talking in the front seat about how the next tour stop was in some place called Battle Mountain, Nevada. Based on my badass Wikipedia skills (on this fancy smart phone I stole from that douchebag awhile back), Battle Mountain looks lame as shit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_Mountain,_Nevada

Population 2,871?! Where’s the battle and who is fighting? What kind of crowd to they expect in a place like that?

But then again, what do I know? Maybe there’s a huge fan base over there. Shout out to anyone from Battle Mountain, Nevada! Shout out! Anyone! Anyone? 

Lennon keeps making disgusting jokes about wanting to go there because they have the letters BM carved into the side of the mountain at the edge of town. BM. Hardy har har. What are we, in  second grade? But speaking of, the wretched smell in this van is getting worse and worse. I sure as hell hope they don’t expect me to clean up after them since I’m the only chick in here.

Here to party….not here to clean,

Roxy The Gnome

Cowabunga’s Review of Amish Meth Lab’s Debut Performance!

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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

Sunday’s concert rocked so hard that I’m just now starting to get my hearing back! Actually, I just got out of the hospital this morning for complications due to hearing loss….hence the delay in my review.

I was one of the lucky ones to get a telepathic message through to the lead singer, McCartney, and get my hands on those backstage passes.

I can’t remember the name of the opening band because I was already pretty high off the fumes floating around by this point (and who ever really remembers the openers anyway). They weren’t all that great but they were totally cool dudes and now I’m Facebook friends with all of those guys.

I tried to take get some pics of Amish Meth Lab during their performance, but I was so freaking pumped….head banging in the mosh pit with the best of ’em….that all my shots kinda suck. Throw your gnome hands in the air! WHOOP WHOOP! But if anyone out there got some good pics, send ’em my way, por favor. There was some slutty girl in a red leather mini skirt hanging out behind he stage too, so I’m wondering if she got any good pics or if she was just there to hook up with the band. I think she said her name was Roxy.

In my opinion, AML’s best performance was the song “Beard of Drool”. God, that reggae beat was a great switch-up from the hardcore heavy metal classics. Don’t get me wrong, those were awesome! I got stabbed in the eye by a mohawk and three of my toes got broken. Now THAT is what I call a good show.

Since I’m broke as hell, I couldn’t afford anything at their merch table. However, I did manage to steal a copy of their set list off of the side of the stage! I’m totally putting this stapling this to the side of The Gnome Abode when I learn how to walk again with these prosthetic toes.

Lennon announced at the end of the show that the band’s tour van was headed east and to keep up with their blog for upcoming tour dates and locations. Wherever it is, whenever it is…I’ll be there. I’m not sure if my hearing will ever come back or if I will regain sight in my eye from the mohawk incident, but it was totally worth it.

AML’s New Biggest Fan,

Cowabunga The Gnome

TONIGHT! Don’t miss the backstage pass opportunity at Amish Meth’s Lab debut performance!

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Hey Fans!!!

Lennon, Harrison, Starr and I are totally pumped for our show tonight and can’t wait to see your hot asses in the crowd at the Cow Palace!

As our most loyal followers, we’re offering four additional backstage passes to let some lucky fans get to know us up close and personal. Send me a telepathic message for your chance to win!

Harrison is already slurring his speech and swinging around a bottle of brandy. Starr is doing upside down naked yoga poses in the changing room. Lennon and I have been bickering all day about the set list, but eventually I’m sure he’ll realize that I’m right.

Make sure and stop by to chat with our band promoters and pick up some fan gear at our merch table on the way in!

Bright lights, sales figures, and rock & roll,

McCartney The Rocker Gnome