I showed to up to the office this morning, bright and cheery as usual, and ready dive into my exciting day of accounts payable and receivable. (Receivables are my favorite, in case you were curious).
Just as I was finishing my third cup of El Cheapo coffee, my boss, Lumbergh, saunters over to my desk and says he has a favor to ask me. Uh oh. Favors rarely are good. He said that Destiny and Lil’ John in the customer service department had both called in sick. He seemed to imply that there were some inappropriate relations between them, but I’m not here to spread gossip so I let that slide in one ear and out the other.
I’ve never really been good at dealing with customers, but today I rose to the challenge and plopped on a headset. My telephone rang within seconds of aforementioned headset plopment.
Me: Good morning! IGT Industries, this is Phillip. how may I help you?
Asshole: Um, well you can start by giving me my money back for this piece of shit order you idiots sent me.
Me: I sense that you are concerned. May I have your customer account number, please?
Asshole: I don’t know what my damn number is. Just look it up for me. And then flip to page 3 of your stupid catalog so you know what the hell I’m talking about.
Me: Okay Sir, I see that your customer account number is 0985817284916573279781279861901928308120975328R. Now if you will hold for just a brief moment, I will grab a copy of our latest catalog . I do apologize, I am actually the accountant for IGT Industries and just helping out with some customer service calls today because a couple co-workers are out sick.
Asshole: Whatever. Fine. I’ll hold. But your hold music had better not suck.
I went over to Lumbergh’s office to see if he had a copy of the catalog so I could try to understand what this guy’s complaint was about. Lumbergh wasn’t in his office but I saw a stack of catalogs on the corner of his desk. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure now one was watching, snagged one, and slipped out the door and back to my cubicle.
Before turning back on the headset, I opened up the catalog to page 3 and YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gnomes for sale? WHAT??????????? How is this even legal? It’s not legal!
I’ve been working for an illegal gnome trade cartel and i didn’t even know it?!?
During the past four years in my accounting office, I simply wrote checks, paid bills, and put numbers into spreadsheets. I never really though to ask anyone what the bills were for or how the company made its money. But I NEVER would have thought that a company owned and run by gnomes would be illegally selling gnomes! This is preposterous.
I mean take a look at that page. Who determined the price structure? One gnome climbing a tree only costs $12.00! His life is surely worth more than $12.00, I guarantee you that!
I flipped to page 5 of the catalog only to find more atrocities. Gnomes at discounted sales prices! Even girl gnomes for sale! That’s right….GIRL GNOMES!
I just can’t believe I’ve been bamboozled into working for such an awful corporation for all these years and never had a clue. I’m so angry that I don’t know what to do. I’m not picking the headset back up and talking to that asshole again though, that’s for sure.
I know in my heart that I need to do the right thing and confront Lumbergh about my new-found knowledge of our company. Although the salary is pretty sweet, there’s no way my conscience will allow me to continue working here.
My biggest concern at this point is for my own personal safety . I’ve seen way too many 90’s Mexican drug movies where those involved with the cartel are never allowed to get our alive. They know too much! They are a liability for the entire illegal industry!
I know too much! I am a liability!
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Phillip The Gnome
The Ontario Post offers potential gnome thieves alternative activities to stealing our fair brothers. Those crazy Canadians suggest these alternatives: pick up garbage in a park, mow someone’s lawn, peel a banana, go for a long walk, help someone, take part in the relay for life, tan, organize a charity event, buy a new lawn ornament for the person you stole that one from, help someone find a lost cat.
In related news, this Massachusetts newspaper reports a police investigation about 40 missing gnomes from a military veteran’s lawn. Devastated gnome owner, Kathy Bush, cared for of a variety of us little guys….gnomes dressed as Jimmy Buffett, gnomes dressed in military suits, you name it. Six mushroom houses were also nabbed by those wretched thieves. The detective bureau is currently investigating this matter and anyone with information is encouraged to call or text (413) 787-6355.
The final article that I’ll share with you this week comes from Gloucestershire in the UK. The Eastcombe School Association hosted it’s annual gnome hunt! Hunt?! Yeah, I was skeptical too. But after a few distraught calls to the editor, I learned that no gnomes were harmed in this particular hunt. Apparently 29 gnomes were scattered around the village and between 300 and 400 people took part in finding them (without weapons) and raised £1,300 for the school. I don’t know much about foreign money, but those gnomes sound like they’re making BANK!
