Small Town Gnoming: You Gnomed, We Gnoticed

Hey cowboys…it’s your favorite badass biker chick, Trixie, here. I know you miss me, and I miss you too. It’s hard keeping up with blogging when you’re out on your hog all the time. Sadly, summertime is coming to an end so it seems my rides will become fewer and farther between 🙁

I just got back from an epic ride around Starved Rock State Park. For gnomes that live in this very dull corner of the world, the park is one of the most beautiful you can find in riding distance. There were a TON of bikers out and about when I cruised through.

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In a weird little place called Ottowa, I made a few friends. This place was a great example of gnomes and humans existing in small town harmony. Human yards were filled with gnomes here, and gnomes expressed genuine pleasure about their lives.

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I chatted with a few of these dudes and we set out to find a place to watch the Bears game. We could only find one sports bar open, which unfortunate. Although it was crowded with drunk, yelling humans, we don’t take up much room and were able to squeeze in and up to the bar. The selection was meh, but the company made up for it.

I’ve biked through a lot of places, but small towns like Ottowa, Illinois seem to be the most gnome friendly. Do you live in a gnome-friendly town? If you don’t, I would suggest packing up and moving immediately. Gnome-friendliness is a sure sign of an overall good place to call home.

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Rev up your engines for another ride, gnomies, because the sun is shining and the next journey is ON!

Peace,
Trixie the Gnome

P.S. – Rumor has it that the next journey is in a place that begins with “Tex” and ends with “as.”

Gnomes Popping Up In Weird Places: Trend Report

This is your official gnome news reporter here, just doing my job. I hope all you lazy asses enjoyed your holiday off yesterday.

Gnome sightings are nothing uncommon these days, but I can’t help but notice an increase in weird places they’re popping up lately. For decades, I’ve been keeping up with stories about gnome theft and mysterious placements in countries around the world.

Perhaps you’ve wrongly assumed that humans are transplanting these gnomes from one location to another. Perhaps you’re wondering why we appear (and make news) in obscure locations on a regular basis.

Well, why do you go on vacation? Why do you get in your car and head to the suburbs on a Sunday afternoon? We have our reasons too. And frankly, they’re none of your goddamn business.

Take for example, the gnome homes that started popping up in Overland Park, Kansas.KS home

Or the gnome that was found run with interior electrical wires cut at the ends in Hanover, New Jersey.

Or maybe the 50+ gnomes that showed up (in protest?) at a water treatment plan in Parry Sound, Ontario.

ParryCASheesh, humans. We’re just going about our active lives…THIS ISN’T NEWS! Do we write a story every time any one of you head down to Disney World for a couple days? NO!

See, we pretend to be irritated at all the media attention, but truth be told…we’re media whores just like you. We learned it from your celebrities, and it seems to be working out A-OK for them.

Keep writing about us, and we’ll keep on traveling. Deal and done.

Tootaloo!
SpeakNoGnome the Gnome

Gnome Sightings in Amish Country

photo (2)It should come as no surprise to gnome lovers that come cities and towns are more gnome-friendly than others. Some neighborhoods are lined with gnomes left and right, and others barely welcome one through their cast iron gates. Some states and countries are known for their gnome-friendliness as well. Germany, England, and California come to mind, off the top of my wee head.

Lancaster_County_Amish_03But sometimes, unsuspecting communities even take us by surprise. Take for example a minuscule town called Arthur in a pretty lame state called Illinois. This place is filled with Amish people…horse ‘n buggy, anti-electricity type shit. Lots of poo lying around on the streets and such.

Not the kinda place gnomes typically make their homes. Ahem.

For reasons I’d rather not get into at the moment, I found myself in this odd place a couple weeks back. Much to my surprise, I was greeted with a warm welcome from a neighboring yard.

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Gnomes seem to get along with their human counterparts here, because they willingly advertise the family names without due compensation!

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It’s a peaceful place, without much of anything going on, so gnomes here tend to gather and gossip like little girls.

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It’s also a haven for introspective recluses, so you can often find gnomes hiding where you least expect to hide them.

So how about your neighborhood….is it gnome-friendly or gnome-shy? I can’t seem to get beyond those butter-churning bonnets and ill-fitting suspenders, but I do have a little more respect for Amish country these days.

Sincerely,
Leonardo the Gnome

P.S. – If anyone spots a gnome wearing full-Amish attire, please alert me ASAP. I have a ton of questions for that hypothetical little bugga.

Gnome Web Links of the Day!

Some of our very best gnome scouts are working day and night to scour the internet and deliver the very finest gnome news to your inbox. Kinda creepy, kinda cool.

Here’s a couple of our favorite finds today!

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xoxo,
DJ Spaghetti Sauce

Evidence of Gnome Colonization in Toronto

It’s not uncommon for me to introduce myself to gnomes that I meet in gardens or humans’ yards as I’ve traveling around the world. While biking my little gnome legs through Toronto recently, I rode past a yard that could have caught my eye from a mile away.

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Probably 40 or 50 gnomes were lurking about in a particular yard on Marcos Street!

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I screeched to a halt and popped off my bike to say hello to a human gardener, who seems to be providing luxury housing for a large population of gnomes. The gardener’s name was Walter and he invited me to mosey on around his yard and introduce myself to the various Canadian gnomes.

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It’s people like Walter who restore the little bit of faith I have left in the human race these days. If you’ve kept up with our Gnome News Section, you probably have as negative of an impression of humans as I do. People stealing gnomes, breaking gnomes with windows, creating horrendous advertisements with gnomes….you name it, people kinda suck.

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But Walter was an alright guy, and I’m happy to see how well his colony gnomes are living up in Toronto.

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So if you stumble upon a colony of gnomes in a yard near you, make sure to send the address my way so I can be sure to visit when I’m in the area.

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May the luck of the gnome sightings be with you,
Zookwinkle the uber-social travel gnome