We gnomes are preparing FISH!

Okay, so perhaps turkey is the standard. But can you imagine us wee gnomes trying to cut a turkey! How ridiculous…turkeys are HUGE! Fish are much more manageable.

Shown here is our newly hired ” head fishergnome,” Fips. Fips comes from a long line of fishergnomes and grew up on the coast of Northern Maine. His father, Goebel, was an expert lobster catcher in the early 1900’s and taught him the ropes of nabbing seafood from its natural habitat in mass quantities.

Fips was born in 1970 in Germany. He is the oldest gnome residing in The Gnome Abode and brings a great deal of wisdom to our community. Welcome, Fips…welcome!

He has taught us that the relationship between gnomes and fish goes back many generations. He is also in charge of supplying us with the main course for our dinner tomorrow!

Fishergnomes from around the globe started sending us their very best catch pictures as soon as they heard word about our Thanksgiving Day preparations.

Check these guys out!

While the diet of gnomes generally contains very little meat, many of us make an exception for fish. They’re just so gosh darn delicious!

Personally, I love fishing! As a stoner, the hobby gives me a perfect opportunity to be lazy for long periods of time and stare at things that aren’t moving much.

Hells yeah.

So, whether you’re preparing your turkey, your fish, or some sort of vegetarian bullshit dish….we wish you the best as you prep your stomachs to be disgusting full and content for the upcoming weekend.

Yours in gnomish thanks,
Sketchy Andy The Gnome

Like the United States Postal Service, gnomes must endure snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night. Regardless of the weather conditions, gnomes stand post at their designated locations in gardens, forests, and lawns around the world.

We become weathered from the rain and faded from the sun. We begin to lack the luster we once had in our youth. Our paint chips and peels off, while wildlife prospers with brilliant colors all around us….mocking us.

Zookwinkle gave us a great example of this in his recent post about a weathered, green-hatted gnome he met in Squamish, British Columbia.

City dwelling gnomes, like Boris Periwinkle (pictured below) endure different implications of bad weather….TRAFFIC. As you can see, Boris is struggling to drive his gnomemobile to the grocery store in a torrential downpour.

Just when he thought he would be able to make the unprotected left turn at the green light, an asshole cabbie cut him off. The nerve! Driving in rain really wears on a gnome’s soul over time.

Fog presents even more difficulty for gnomes. It’s a well known fact that gnomes’ eyesight is less than spectacular. Fog makes it even harder than usual to find where we left our shoes or set down our beers. This is unnecessarily burdensome.

Shown here is Lil’ Dimwit struggling through a foggy day. Wait a second. Didn’t he just put on a rap show with a fog machine? I think this pic is from his concert last month. That was a good show. Okay never mind…scratch this. Moving on!

Back to Boris, who has particularly shit luck with weather. Shown here is a rare and terrifying phenomenon called a soap storm. While nearly unheard of in the human world, soap storms affect gnomish societies about three times a year.

The sky seems to open up and blasts of menacing soap comes squirts out from all directions. They are an unexplained occurrence and currently under investigation in the GMIFS (Gnomish Meteorological Institute of Freakish Storms).

Like humans, some gnomes are better prepared for storms than others. Pictured here is Tom Skilling Jr., who has appointed himself the meteorologist of The Gnome Abode. He never leaves home without his trusty umbrella and seeks out storms to make himself feel relevant on the evening news.

This pic was taken during Tom’s recent spelunking trip in Costa Rica.

In conclusion, we gnomes are a hearty bunch but we’re sensitive too. Stay tuned for my upcoming “Snow and Ice Edition” of GNOMES AND INCLEMENT WEATHER.

Bringing you doom and gloom in a most pleasant way,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

We’re all already half in the bag because Halloween is one of our very favorite holidays!

We’re hosting a costume contest later this afternoon so stay tuned for upcoming pictures! I’ve got my money on The Lady of Mt. Goom. She’s so creepy normally that she doesn’t even need to dress up.

What the hell is in that laboratory beaker!?

And Zookwinkle! Dear Zooks!

However did you get ahold of infectious waste! What is IN there?!?!?!??!??!!?

And what twisted ass gnome staged a horror scene with a bloody baby doll and a rat in a bathtub?!?! You all are messed up….

How are YOU celebrating the greatest holiday on earth?

Stay creepy, my dear gnomes.
Sketchy Andy The Gnome

My loyal subjects,

You all keep asking me if I’m having a bachelor party. I’m tired of these questions. I can only assume this is because my queen-to-be, Tabitha, made this whole big deal about her bachelorette party. Typical woman gnome.

Yeah, I’m having a bachelor party too.

Just fly to Vegas ASAP and text me.

Why?

This is why.

And if you don’t, I’ll have you beheaded. I’ve improved upon my beheading skills lately and am looking to try them out.

Your cold-footed and cold-hearted leader,
King Jerry of All Gnomekind