Category Archives: Intoxicated Gnomish Escapades and Ramblings

Gnome Gnapping – A Phenomenon Explained (somewhat)

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Gnomes like to nap. There’s no freaking doubt about it.

Look at this particular slacker in The Gnome Abode…

And then there’s this guy…

He sleeps sitting up. WTF?!

But out of all these slackers, I’d have to say that this dude is one of the laziest *&%*@ I’ve ever met….

I thought I was the only one who had noticed this phenomenon of laziness. That was until I saw a sign. Yeah sing your Ace of Base. You know you wanna.

Apparently, Hobby Lobby sells signs that indicate that gnomes are sleeping. A big shout out to Gnome Scout, Janet, for this groundbreaking gnome sighting.

On one hand (and yes, at this moment I’m speaking for all gnomekind) we can appreciate the type of privacy that a “Do Not Disturb” sign at the Motel 6 can provide. On the other hand (no I’m not sure which is left and which is right, so don’t even ask me) we don’t like the public disclosure that we are not on our toes at all times….ready to pounce…..ready to attack!

The Gnome Army doesn’t post a sign saying that they’re taking a day off to go to the beach and flirt with Hottie McGoo’s. So why should us regular folks advertise to our adversarial gnomes that we have let our guard down. Unless we can use this to our advantage and confuse our adversarials.

Wow I’m drunk. This 9% homebrew really hits you after #4. What was I talking about? I just liked looking at the pictures.

I’m gonna nap.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

Cowabunga The Gnome

Baked Baking in The Gnome Abode!

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Who says gnomes can’t bake?!

I hosted a baked baking party at The Gnome Abode this past weekend and it turned out to be an overwhelming success! Leonardo brought over his finest selection of shrooms and almost every gnome in The Abode joined us. Well, with the exception of Phillip, who’s a totally tight ass.

We started out with flour, sugar, eggs, and a splash of whipped cream flavored vodka as a substitute for vanilla extract. Cowabunga surprised us all by finding cookie cutters that looked like us! Gnome-shaped cookie cutters! Who would have thought?!

While the little gnome cookies puffed up in the oven, we passed around the bottle of vodka for inspiration. There was decorating ahead of us and we needed to muster up all of the creativity that we could.

We were nice and toasted by the time the gnome cookies cooled off enough to frost them. We had just enough vodka to add to the homemade frosting mix. Horace has become quite the wonderful artist and helped us make a whole bunch of bowls of brilliant colors!

The gnome cookies were looking great….well, that is until some of the guys got a bit rowdy and started making crude jokes. I can’t exactly prove who made these, but somehow a one-eyed gnome girl cookie wearing a bikini appeared next to a well-endowed dude gnome with junk hanging out of his pants.

And then a turtle appeared. A turtle! Why? WHY?!

We ran out of vodka, we ran out of frosting, and the smoke alarm started going off because no one remembered to shut off the oven. I think we all learned some stuff from our baking day, but we have a whole lot more to learn before making Thanksgiving dinner or some shit like that.

Perhaps I’m a bit biased, but I think they’re awesome. If you agree, message me and I’ll Fed Ex you one. But you’d better act now….the gnomes around here are total Fatty McGoos and they’re disappearing like hotcakes. But they’re better than hotcakes because they’re cookies.

WAA BAMM AND FREAKING YUM,

Kamikaze The Gnome

“Bitches n’ Hos” ~ Lil’ Dimwit’s latest rap single! You heard it here first!

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Bitches n’ hos. Meet the bitch of my dreams and turns out she’s a ho. Tough shit, right? Aw shut yo face, I don’t even know you.

She called herself Racy or Roxy or somethin’. I picked her up hitchin’ cuz she had a nice rack. I grabbed ’em when traffic got shitty and they were pretty alright. Made a piss stop in Vegas today. But get this. I get back to my sweet ride and bitch went gone.

She pulled all this voodoo shit on me while we was high in the desert. Made me think she was my soul mate and some shit. Well never again.Silly go dropped her ID between the seats so now I definitely know her name is Roxy. Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. from some shithole called The Gnome Abode.

I drove around pissed off for awhile ’til I saw some schmuck with i-Phone and beat his head in so I would use his 3G and Facebook stalk her. You’ll shit yourself when I tell you what I found when I found her name…

http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/secrets-of-a-slutty-girl-gnome/roxy-hits-vegas-and-who-the-hell-is-this-gnome-named-humps/

Bitch has a blog! Ho totally ditched me and is shackin’ up with some sugar daddy who could never treat a lady gnome right like I do. But if that’s what ho’s gonna do, then that’s what ho’s gonna do.

Whatever, I’m headed to L.A. anyway. My fans are probably freaking out where I’m at. Oh wait. I got an iPhone now. I can totally Tweet.

The only credit I’ll give Miss Roxy Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. is that she totally inspired my new rap single. Check it.

Bitches n’ Hos – Bitches n’ hos

Yeah

Yeah

Hey ya’ll – take off your clothes

Awwwww

Shiiiiiit

Ya got a nice rack

Uh huh

Yeah

Get back in the sack

Mmmmmm

Hmmmmm

Gnomey don’t play like dat. 

All that copyright shit reserved,

Lil’ Dimwit The Gnome

Shhhhh! I’ve Escaped!!!

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Betcha didn’t expect to hear from me for awhile, did ya? Heh. Well ya wanna know why? Of course you do. I ask such pointless questions sometimes. I busted outta that jail cell, bitches!

Screw this gnome police state! Whatever happened to that whole “innocent until proven guilty” bullshit?!

Jail sucked.

I was put this tiny cell because the guard said I was a “tiny gnome”. I am NOT a tiny gnome. I’m totally average. I could show him a tiny gnome. I could beat his ass into a tiny gnome. He was pretty freaking big, but whatever. Jerk. He never went anywhere with his guard frog, who had vicious fangs and a devious smirk.

My vision was kinda blurry from all the flogging and waterboarding, but I SWEAR he had a stamp on his foot identifying him as a bobblehead. I mean he did nod a lot. But there’s a fine line between being a “Yes Man” and a “bobblehead”

The guard wasn’t the only one who was mean to me. The other inmates just pointed and laughed. This one called himself, Cowabunga, and apparently he was locked up on a 5th degree murder charge. I’m not even sure what I’m being locked up for. My cellmate thought this was simply hilarious. I’ll 5th degree murder him. Wait. I didn’t say that. Strike the record.

I hit a breaking point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I worked a bit of magic (NO I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF MAGIC OR SPECIFICALLY WHAT I DID) and suddenly, I was riding a buffalo towards freedom!

I’m not exactly sure where my buffalo and I will go, but we have escaped the law. The buffalo roams free! The Zookwinkle roams free!

Like an idiot, I didn’t steal a copy of my paperwork before we rode off into the sunset, so I still don’t have a clue why I was arrested. Perhaps it has something to do with that monkey and the can of spray paint last weekend? If not, nevermind. Strike the record.

Zookwinkle The Gnome

Zookwinkle arrested in Illegal Gnome Trade Scandal!

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As the loyal online followers you all are, I’m sure that you recall my recent disturbing post which documented my revelation that I had unknowingly been working for an illegal gnome trade cartel.

http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/gnomes-on-the-9-to-5/im-working-for-an-illegal-gnome-trade-cartel/

Well I write to inform you all today, that justice has been served. Or at least begun to be served. Well at least one dude was caught. You gotta start somewhere, right?

Last Friday, there was a huge bust in an undisclosed high rise building around the busy intersection of Dearborn and Adams. The GPD was in full force and the gnome cops were riding horses (which I found to be incredibly amusing in a “giddy-up cowboy” kinda way).

It was just revealed in today’s Gnome Daily News morning show that one of the ringleaders of the illegal gnome trade cartel is one of our very own!

ZOOKWINKLE!

He’s a regular blog poster on this site and seemed to be a pretty alright gnome. It just goes to show that you really don’t know anyone….not even the ones you live with. Where does this leave us gnomes and all of humanity? God, I’m getting depressed.

Anyway, the news report said that Zookwinkle was arrested and hauled off to the police station for waterboarding and flogging. The most recent Twitter update indicates that he is still be confined in shackles and chains in the Interview Room, as the GPD attempts to extract the names of other prominent criminals in this horrific scandal.

But don’t you worry….as soon as I hear any updates about that evil Zookwinkle’s conviction, sentencing, or blood pressure levels, you’ll be the first to know.

I still can’t believe Zookwinkle was involved in this. We just had lunch at the Corner Bakery last Tuesday and he never even blinked an eye when I mentioned my discovery about who I’d been inadvertently working for.

I need to pop some happy pills. We’ll talk soon, okay?

Phillip The Gnome