Celebrity Chefs Offer Hope for Gnome Nutrition

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A UK-based gardening company has shipped baking-inspired gnomes to some celebrity chefs, like Jamie Oliver and Paul Hollywood.

Will this inspire and train the next generation of gnome chefs to cook better? Historically, gnomes haven’t exactly been the best cooks in the world. But with exposure and celebrity introductions like this, we finally stand a chance to eat well again.

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According to Eddie Riby, Director of UK Water Features, said: “There’s a real passion right now for both growing your own fruit, veg and herbs, and also for cooking home-made meals.

“Our craze for cooking, combined with our love of gardening, means the British Baking Gnome ticks all the right boxes.”

If you check out UK Water Features’ site, you’ll see other gnomes doing more standard gnome things. There is a graduation gnome on there, and props to you buddy…getting a gnome degree is tough stuff! I have some serious concerns about your “Meergnome” though….meerkats and gnomes simply should not be breeding.

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But back to my original point, I’m excited to see gnomes hanging out with famous humans who know how to cook. We’re sick and tired of ramen noodles and hamburger helper. Our sodium levels are far too high and our taste buds have turned to mush.

The UK isn’t exactly known around here for its mind-blowing cuisine, but we’ll take whatever we can get. Any gnome interested in taking cooking classes, please contact our Practical Homemaking Activities Coordinator, Roxy, via blog reply post. Puh-leeze!!!

Yours truly,
Harrison the Gnome

Gnome Disc Golf Tournament Tomorrow!

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Rise Of The Gnome Disc Golf Tournament Is Saturday

discgolfThursday, October 17, 2013

The Rise of the Gnome disc golf tournament will be on Saturday. This will be the second disc golf tournament held at Camp Jordan. It will be hosted by Kevin Tuner of the Chattanooga Flying Disc Club.  The CFDC is a local non-profit which promotes youth recreation through disc-related activities, disc golf and ultimate.

Officials said, “We create opportunities for local families by building disc golf facilities, providing low cost recreation for the community.  We feel that getting the kids off the couch, out from in front of the Gameboys is important to promote healthy outdoor activities with family and friends.  Kids who have health active relationships with their family become our leaders our future.”disc

The CFDC and its members have been active participants in funding and building courses at the Chambliss Home, Carver recreation center and multiple other locations in the area surrounding Chattanooga. Camp Jordan is the newest and largest disc golf course in the area.

The tournament on Saturday will put on display a huge array of skill sets in disc golf, from some of the best players in the Southeast to players who had only played for a few months.

Rounds will be in play from 10 a.m.-12 p.m. and from approximately 2-5 p.m.

*I love disc golf. Why don’t we throw a tournament tomorrow here at The Gnome Abode too!?

Team organization meeting today at 4.

Yours in stoner wellness,
Caesar the gnome

Ex-Politician Liberates Gnomes in Australia

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It should come as no surprise to Australians that ex-politician, Eoin Cameron, is propagating the gnome liberation movement. Formerly a liberal member for the Federal seat of Stirling, Cameron is now a famous radio announcer.

EoinWanna know a little more about the guy? Well he likes cooking, American cars, eating, and drinking. He also likes GARDENING. And you know what “gardening” is code for…GNOMES.

Cameron has started a campaign called The Gnomecoming, and his mission is to liberate garden gnomes in Perth. Cameron predicts that radio station 720 ABC Perth’s resident gnome, Rascal, will be the first set free.

oppressiveCameron is offering to take any and all garden gnomes to Gnomesville for a happier lifestyle. Area residents are encouraged to release their gnomes from captivity and let them join the others at the junction of Wellington Mill and Ferguson roads.

Apparently over 3,000 gnomes have migrated from oppressive homes to Gnomeville. If you’d like to free your gnome, you can drop it off with a donation to the Princess Margaret Hospital Foundation at the radio station.

gnomevilleWe at The Drunk Gnome would like to publicly show our support for Cameron and his gnome liberation movement. We’ve been stalking your Facebook page, buddy, and we see mention of winning a weekend away to see Gnomesville in the beautiful Ferguson Valley.

Does this include airfare from the States? If so, we have lots of gnomes to send your way!

Reporting live from nowhere near Australia,
Dumblebore the Gnome

A Mysterious Antique Gnome from Texas

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Howdy gnome fans,

Perhaps you’ve heard a little through the grapevine (mmm…wine) about my recent gnomish travels through Texas. It was grand, I must admit, and I have another confession to make as well.

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I didn’t come home alone.

Now, now. Don’t let your mind fall into the gutter. It’s not a lady gnome and there’s no scandal.

And okay, to be fair….no I haven’t swung the other way in quite some time now.

But I did rescue a poor, old sap that I discovered in an antique shop in Austin. Uncommon Objects is a super-random vintage shop on Congress Avenue. As I strolled through the crowded, but surprisingly organized aisles, I just had a feeling that gnomes were living here.

Finally, I laid eyes on a set of three chipped and faded men with pointy hats. One was drinking, one was smoking, and one appeared to be sleeping.

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I went into this long spheel about what a magical place The Gnome Abode was and only the smoker seemed interested. Figures.

I invited him to come back home with me…that is to venture outside his comfort zone and see another part of the world. He looked back at his brothers and said, “Eh, I’ve been standing next to these douchebags for the past 60 years. I need a change.”

And that was that.

All that smoke must have affected my new buddy’s memory because he can’t definitively recall where he came from or how old he is. This is where YOU come in!

If you’ve ever seen a gnome like him lurking about (probably outdoors…I mean, just look at his weathered skin condition!), please let me know! He’s ready to move on with his life and turn over a new leaf, but it’d be a pity for him to completely abandoned his past and all he’s been through.

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I mean for godssake, he must have had some tragic stuff go down to end up on the top shelf of a Texas vintage shop!

Please welcome this dude to our home. Dude doesn’t have a name yet, as there is much debate among the elders as to what he should be called. Suggestions welcome!

Tootaloo!
Zookwinkle the traveling gnome

Gnomes, Literature, and Parasitic Plants

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Many of us at the Gnome Abode have weird freaking names. There’s DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake, ChumbawambaIGetKnockedDown, and don’t even get me started on Bernastacio Socatine de la Guadalupe Sanches Garza.

Well today, I stumbled across a gardening article that discussed a gnome that shares a name with a parasitic plant.

Random enough for your Monday? I thought so.

greyThe Little Grey Men is a book about the last four remaining gnomes in Britain. The three most important ones are Dodder, Sneezewort, and Baldmoney. Dodder the gnome, apparently shares his name with a parasitic plant that creates havoc in the world of botany.

In the book, Dodder is the oldest and wisest of the gnomes. He has a wooden leg and a long beard that he dyed with walnut juice. How resourceful.

dodderDodder, the plant, is pretty whack because it doesn’t have any chlorophyll. To take you back to elementary school science class, that’s the stuff that makes plants green.

dodder_1Apparently, golden dodder originates from North America and damages crops. However, the WORD “dodder” originates from Germany and means egg yolk. The plant has all kinds of secret identities/multiple personalities and has also been called by the names, Beggar Vine, Love Vine, and Strangleweed.

The dodder plant’s purpose in life is to latch onto other plants and remove their nutrients. How rude.

What is my point in all of this? Well I don’t really have one. Except to point out how weird our names are, and therefore how weird we gnomes are too.

Mind your gardens, folks!

Love truly,
LurleenLumpkinSittingOnAPumpkin the gnome