Gnomes Discover an Umbrella Cover Museum

Posted on April 2, 2013 by Yankee Doodle

In case you didn’t realize, we gnomes are into weird crap. Today, we came across something entirely random for no reason at all.

An umbrella cover museum!

Nancy Hoffman is our new hero. She is the proud owner of 730 umbrella covers, which is the Guinness World Record! Now don’t misunderstand me….I’m not talking about umbrellas. I’m only talking about their COVERS!

Go to Peaks Island, Maine if you don’t believe me.

Their mission statement: “The Umbrella Cover Museum is dedicated to the appreciation of the mundane in everyday life. It is about finding wonder and beauty in the simplest of things, and about knowing that there is always a story behind the cover.”

We can get behind that, Nancy…sure we can. If you have old umbrella covers lying around your porch, we gnomes encourage you to donate them to Nancy. She will totally be way more into them than you are. Promise.

Until next weird time,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

The Drunk Gnome Is Shutting Down

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Phillip

APRIL FREAKING FOOLS!

Think you’re gonna get rid of us that easy? Heh. You hooligans got another thing coming.

Happy April 1st from the magnificent highways of Southern Wisconsin!

P.S. – No, I’m not pregnant…no matter what the other jokester gnomes try to tell you.

P.P.S. – The hammocks in that calendar photo look mighty swell. Anyone know where I can pick one up that’s my size?

xoxo,
Phillip the Gnome

Gnomes Discover Poison Jell-O Jiggler Eggs from 1992

Posted on March 31, 2013 by Alfredo

Now that we drunk gnomes have been around more than a year, we can reference posts from LAST YEAR’S HOLIDAYS! WOOT!

Check out my post from Easter 2012, where I tell you all about how gnomes and Easter just don’t get along. Easter 2013 was even more traumatic. Why, you ask?

Some freak show humans introduced us to the ancient practice of making Jell-O Jiggler eggs for Easter. I asked silly humans, “Silly humans, why are you discontent with simply turning eggs inappropriate colors like you’ve been doing for decades?

Silly humans simply shrugged and poured strange mixtures of goopy ingredients into oval-shaped molds. We were all skeptical, of course. But our souls became worn down over time and we succumed to the power of the jiggily egg.

After consuming a half a dozen, this badass gnome (who hasn’t officially introduced himself to any of us yet because apparently, he’s “too cool”) flipped over the box of Jell-O used for the eggs.

EXPIRATION DATE: 3/31/1992

1992?!

This Jell-O expired 21 years ago! Well no shit, Sherlock….no one’s been making Jell-O eggs since 1992 either!

A few of us ended up in the urgent care with IV drips. It’s hard finding medical facilities open on Easter so a few of us are still hanging out in the waiting room.

There ain’t no respect for the uninsured gnome.

Happy freaking Easter.

Another year down….

<3 Alfredo The Gnome

Gnome Smashing: Not Would Jesus Would Want For Easter

Posted on March 30, 2013 by Alfredo

Gnome-gate: The beloved gnomes that were stolen and smashed in an alleyway

Originally posted Monday, March 18, 2013

Gloucestershire Echo – By MICHAEL PURTON

“A dozen garden gnomes were stolen and smashed to pieces in a bizarre incident in Cheltenham during race week.

Bernard and Cath Bond were upset when they woke up to discover that a dozen of their cherished gnomes and ornaments had been stolen from their front garden in Unwin Road, The Reddings, overnight last Thursday.

And the retired couple were reeling from the shock when a neighbour came to tell them that the gnomes and ornaments had been found smashed to pieces in a nearby alleyway.

Among the broken characters was a gnome which had belonged to Bernard’s late brother Trevor, who died in 2007.

Only its head was still intact, left lying among the shattered pieces of its former fellow garden dwellers.

“It looks like someone has taken them from the front garden and taken them down between some garages near the brook and smashed the lot,” 67-year-old Bernard said.

Grandfather Bernard, a retired bus driver, said other neighbours had had garden ornaments stolen in the past couple of days, and he believes there could be someone with a grudge against gnomes targeting them in the area.

‘How people can do something like this, I don’t know. It’s absolutely disgusting,’ he said.

‘The oldest gnome was about 15 years old.'”

I don’t have the slightest idea what “Easter spirit” is, but I do know this sure as hell ain’t it. As a gnome who was recently broken in a tragic accident, let me tell you…..we DO feel each broken piece of ceramic and we DO hate you for messing with us.

How would you like it if we ganged up and “conveniently” dropped ourselves on your toe? How whack would you look (and walk) with one less toe than you currently have?!

Help us bring these blast Brits to justice. If you have any information on these (or any other) despicable gnome smashers, write to us at [email protected]. We’ll get to the bottom of this disgrace and break their sorry faces off.

Love and hugs!
Alfredo The (recovering, and doing pretty dang well) Gnome

HOT OFF THE PRESS: The International Gnome Club Newsletter, 2013, Vol. 1

Posted on March 28, 2013 by DJ Spaghetti Sauce

It’s the moment all you gnomes have been waiting for….the release of the latest and greatest International Gnome Club Newsletter! Editor, Liz Spera, just released the first edition for 2013 and it looks great!

GnomeNewsIssue1-2013

Gnomeplaya’s contributing articles are on pages 2 and 6…check ’em out! Gnome expert, Jean Fenstermaker, has some great articles in this edition too, so you won’t want to miss hers either.

And if you like what you see, YOU TOO can be part of the International Gnome Club! Benefits of being in the club means staying on top of all gnome-related news and getting the opportunity to be a contributing writer as well. It’s definitely more rewarding and more awesome than any other club you could ever hope to join in 3.5 lifetimes.

Join the International Gnome Club now..NOW, BITCHES!

Enjoy reading our newsletter and I’ll see ya’ll in da club.

Peace out,
DJ Spaghetti Sauce, The Gnome

The Drunk Gnome

Just when you thought your garden was sober…