Gnomes prepare for “impending doom” snowstorm

Posted on by
Reply

Humans seem to have all sorts of lists about how to prepare for impending doom snowstorms. Stocking up on survival items and keeping warm always top their lists.

We gnomes, however, have our OWN list! This is how we plan to get through this nasty Midwest day.

photo (2)

  1. Snowboard on garden tools rather than walking to avoid slippage
  2. Wear the super-insulated pointy hat in the back of your closet
  3. Call in an order for beer delivery and make some poor sap bring it to you
  4. Hitch a ride atop human’s cars rather than trying to see above the snowy wheel yourself
  5. Refuse to do any work, even if you work from home
  6. Wear contacts instead of glasses so they don’t get all snow-spotted
  7. Set out all of your dishes on the front porch to catch as much as you can to melt into deliciously chilled drinking water

Hang in there gnomies…
Dr. A. Chu, MD, Chinese medicine professional and general gnomish advice giver

Hard Feelings From Concrete Heads

Posted on by
Reply

According to a recent Mother Nature Network article, gnomes have always been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show because of their “lowly and distracting” status.

flower showLowly?

Distracting?

SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay fine. So we’re being let into the show this year. That’s great and all, but it doesn’t mean we’re not still bitter. The show runs from May 21–25 on the grounds of the Royal Hospital Chelsea in London.

BBC had better be programming this shit stateside.

What makes us feel better about this whole ordeal though? Fairies and pixies are still prohibited from appearing in displays at the event.

BOO YEAH, BITCHES. Those pansies got nothin’ on us.

Hate mail lives on,
Lil’ Dimwit the Gnome

I had a Shamrock Shake today…

Posted on by
Reply

 

We gnomes generally steer clear of that human abomination called “McDonald’s”. However, once a year we make an exception.

This is that time of year.

This is the time for Shamrock Shakes.

photo (3)

As you can see, the guys and I pooled our pocket change together and split one today. The shakes are HUGE and taller than pretty much all of us.

As we sipped the green sludge, some of the little wise guys started to chatter about  the origin and true meaning of the Shamrock Shake. This chatter provoked an ongoing investigation.

Thanks to Wikipedia, we learned that Shamrock Shakes started making the world (well, at least America, Canada, and Ireland) a better place in 1970. In 1980,  the Shamrock Sundae was introduced.

What was that all about, you ask? It was basically vanilla ice cream topped with a mint green Shamrock syrup. Sadly, the sundae was discontinued after one year due to poor sales. That sucks. I bet it was awesome.

Each time you scarf down a Shamrock Shake, you’re packing on 530 calories, 11 grams of protein, 15 grams of fat, 86 grams of carbs, and 160 mg of sodium. We gnomes are perpetually fat, so we’re not really concerned with nutrition facts though.

The shamrock chatter continued with the wee ones and questions were risen about the various forms of mint. There’s peppermint, spearmint, and probably other kinds of mint that I can’t think of right now.

Do different kinds of mint come from different species of mint leaves? Or do artificial additives contribute to the different varieties of mint taste?

These are questions best left for their very own dedicated blog post.

I leave you with these questions now so I can get back to my portion of the green goo before it melts.

Sluuuuuuuuurp,
Dumbledore the Gnome

A Tutorial in Gnome Sewing!

Posted on by
Reply

Hey kiddos!

Gramma Lurlene here ready to wow your socks off with a brand new cross stitch pattern!

I know it’s the most exciting thing you could have expected for your Thursday, but hold on to your hats ’cause we’re not out of the woods yet! I love sewing in the woods…how ’bout you?

photo (1)

At first glance, you might be like, “oh that’s just a monkey.” Touché! This is not JUST a monkey. It’s a monkey wearing a gnome cross stitch bib!

Can you even believe what you’re seeing?!?

Once you’ve caught your breath, check out Material Evidence’s Etsy site. They stitched the pattern on a iPhone case, but you can stitch it on whatever you like.

As if this GNOME pattern wasn’t amazing enough, it’s also FREE! How many other free things have people sent to you today? Probably none. You’re welcome very much!

Don’t know how to cross stitch? No problem! It’s one of the easiest sewing crafts to master and it requires very few materials. Check out a this video posted by one of my best human friends for a quick tutorial.

Happy stitching!

Your drunk gramma,
Lurleen The Gnome