Evan Gelical Creates New Gnome Religion

Posted on by
Reply

 

There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

What is a spiritual pilgrimage, you ask? Good question! A pilgrimage is a life-changing and spiritually invigorating experience, typically involving a journey to a holy site to perform a set of rites.

Before my journey, I consulted Beliefnet, which gave me 10 tips on how to perform a spiritual pilgrimage. Oh you want me to share them with you? Well okay then…sure!

1. Choose your destination

2. Declare your intention to go

3. Prepare physically

4. Prepare mentally

5. Inform family and friends

6. Keep realistic expectations of your journey

7. Give yourself up to your pilgrimage

8. Deal with reality upon your return

9. Keep the momentum going with moderation

10. Revisit your pilgrimage from home

What did I do on MY pilgrimage? Another good question!

Well, I walked a lot. I mean, A LOT. I carried around huge backpack and a creature-catching net for protection. I endured torrential downpours of rain, death-defying wind storms, and the gloom of night.

I ate a lot of wild mushrooms. I engaged in ancient hanging rituals involving a noose and a tree. I sweat profusely. I eliminated all toxins from my body to allow the spirits of the enchanted forest to enter my veins.

I became exhausted. I didn’t eat or drink for days…not even beer. The hair of my beard started to fall out. My eyesight faded to black. I couldn’t stop crying.

I screamed into the nothingness above me until I heard something scream back at me. The voice that returned my call was terrifying. The voice told me that gnomes have a great and meaningful purpose in this life and there is an immediate need for a spiritual leader in gnomish society.

I don’t remember much after hearing these words. Apparently, some hunters found me unconscious and I woke up in GGH (Gnome General Hospital). I’m stuck here for a few days while under observation, so I’m sketching out a few religious tenets to distribute to you all in a pamphlet.

Stay tuned to find the path to spiritual enlightenment and a life of fulfillment and meaning!

Oh hey nurse, could I get some more applesauce, please?

Your highly-anticipated gnomish spiritual leader,
Evan Gelical, The Gnome

Black Friday Causes Gnomes to Contemplate the Afterlife

Posted on by
Reply

 

Some gnomes think about shopping on Friday. Other gnomes think about eating leftovers. Call me morbid if you will…but today, I’m thinking of death.

There’s loads of gnome literature out there, but I’ve never seen anything to address questions about what happens to gnomes after they die. Why has nothing been written?! I can’t be the first gnome to have these questions!

My questions  have begun to overwhelm me and I feel the black cloud of Black Friday slowly closing in. Perhaps the approaching “Gnomepocalypse” (December 21st, 2012) is has something to do with it as well.

I consulted my go-to spot, Yahoo Answers, but these seem to apply to only humans. Some of them seem to believe in heaven and hell, some in reincarnation, and some in nothing at all. But what are gnomes supposed to believe in?

There is a serious religious void in our gnomish society. Are there any gnome prophets out there who are able to shed some light upon this blackest of Black Fridays?

Listening to emo music and resorting to poetry in the meantime,
Maurice The Gnome

 

We’re Goin’ Turkey Huntin’

Posted on by
Reply

 

So who’s up for some late night turkey huntin’ to burn off some of today’s gluttony and prepare for tomorrow’s gluttony?

There may only be two hours of Thanksgiving yet, but I’m making the most of these two hours. Besides, Black Friday shopping is for the chick gnomes. Manly gnomes like me shoot stuff. I’m sure Tabitha will have lots of dumb girl posts about “shop hunting” conquests tomorrow.

Evan Gelical The Gnome hunts with a net. I prefer hitting turkeys over the head with my broom. What do you hunt with?

Muchas gracias for two more hours,
Kamikaze The Gnome

Twenty Things Gnomes Are Thankful For!

Posted on by
Reply

  1. Beer
  2. Liquor
  3. Having our own blog
  4. Gnome artists and craft makers
  5. The International Gnome Club Newsletter
  6. Pointy hat storage containers
  7. Our own passports
  8. Breweries
  9. Our faithful gnome scouts
  10. Epoxy and super glue to fix us when we are injured
  11. Beard combs
  12. Step stools
  13. Monkey companions
  14. Joining outdoor adventures
  15. Rock concerts
  16. Wine
  17. Hand lotion
  18. Eggplant
  19. Facebook stalkers
  20. Beer

What are YOU preparing for Thanksgiving dinner?

Posted on by
Reply

 

We gnomes are preparing FISH!

Okay, so perhaps turkey is the standard. But can you imagine us wee gnomes trying to cut a turkey! How ridiculous…turkeys are HUGE! Fish are much more manageable.

Shown here is our newly hired ” head fishergnome,” Fips. Fips comes from a long line of fishergnomes and grew up on the coast of Northern Maine. His father, Goebel, was an expert lobster catcher in the early 1900’s and taught him the ropes of nabbing seafood from its natural habitat in mass quantities.

Fips was born in 1970 in Germany. He is the oldest gnome residing in The Gnome Abode and brings a great deal of wisdom to our community. Welcome, Fips…welcome!

He has taught us that the relationship between gnomes and fish goes back many generations. He is also in charge of supplying us with the main course for our dinner tomorrow!

Fishergnomes from around the globe started sending us their very best catch pictures as soon as they heard word about our Thanksgiving Day preparations.

Check these guys out!

While the diet of gnomes generally contains very little meat, many of us make an exception for fish. They’re just so gosh darn delicious!

Personally, I love fishing! As a stoner, the hobby gives me a perfect opportunity to be lazy for long periods of time and stare at things that aren’t moving much.

Hells yeah.

 

 

So, whether you’re preparing your turkey, your fish, or some sort of vegetarian bullshit dish….we wish you the best as you prep your stomachs to be disgusting full and content for the upcoming weekend.

Yours in gnomish thanks,
Sketchy Andy The Gnome