Olney, Illinois: Once Home to Albino Squirrels. Now Home to Gnomes.

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Allow me to introduce you to a town in the middle of nowhere that goes by the name – Olney, Illinois.

Our Master and Goddess, Gnomeplaya, mentioned a long time ago that she was born in this random place. That alone makes it a magical place.

Olney is “famous” for it’s albino squirrels. Hey, c’mon….every place has got to famous for something, right?!

A couple of the guys and I decided to take the Jeep out for a road trip this past weekend to discover the magic first hand. It is no wonder that Gnomeplaya has ruled all of Gnomekind for so long. Her very own place of birth has a city park that features and entire GNOMEVILLE!

We introduced ourselves to the gnomes living in Olney’s Gnomeville. They had a bit of a southern accent and liked shitty beer, but they were definitely a bunch of alright ole chaps.

It was freaking 95 degrees, but these diligent bastards just kept on working their fields. Shit. We got it easy at The Abode. I better count my lucky stars. Oh yeah….you can see stars down here too!

Southerners sure are sports fanatics. They kicked our asses in every game which way imaginable.

The gnomes in Olney are the primary caretakers for this rare breed of albino squirrels. They slather SPF 105 on their pasty fur at least once an hour just to keep them from becoming common, boring squirrels.

Their houses were exquisitely built and welcoming. I’ve started to develop some new interior design ideas for our own place when we get back home and convince Gnomeplaya make a stop at Gnome Depot for essential supplies.

These gnomes did laundry, rode beetles, carried baskets, and drank from mushrooms. They’re just like us! The gnome world has never felt smaller! I mean, it’s always kind of small but “small” is relative. It’s not the size that matters. True dat.

We totally respected the Olney gnomes of Gnomeville because they stayed true to their roots and took care of an endangered species that has little to no effect on the entire rest of the gnome and/or human world.

This chubbster shown here with the squirrels, who goes by Ralph, is my new pen pal. I’m going to try to get him to write a blog post from time to time, but they’ve never heard of the Interweb down there, so this could be a long-term project.

XOXO

Kamikaze The Gnome

Gnomes Getting Restraining Orders Against Other Gnomes

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Of course I’ve had my share of stalkers in my day. I mean how could it really be avoided? I’m a gorgeous, brilliant, rare, and irresistible gnome lady. The “stalking” usually never amounted to more than showering me with gifts and excessive late night texts begging for me to come over. Those things I can handle.

Know what I can’t handle? That little bastard who goes by the weird name, The Book of Genesis. That’s why I had to file a restraining order against him today.

It all started when “The Book” and I met at a wedding I was bridesmaiding in a few weeks ago. I was pissed at Jerry and flirting with The Book to try to make him jealous. Jerry was too wasted to even notice so it all turned out to be pointless. I guess The Book got the wrong idea, because he fell completely head over heels for me. I can’t really blame him, but he took things just a bit too far.

His level of stalking went far beyond what I would consider, like Facebook stalking. Hell! Everyone does that!

His texts began once an hour. Then once a minute. His phone calls began began exactly in between the once-a-minute texts. His emails were no less than 5,000 words each and professed his willingness to do whatever it took to make me his. I kept seeing the top of a pointy hat outside my bedroom window periodically throughout my day. Somehow he managed to hide before I was ever able to catch him. I swear I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I’ve been off hallucinogens for a couple days now!

Then yesterday, I found this creepy check list in the grass outside my bedroom window.

I started to panic. I frantically ran around The Abode, locking all of the windows and doors. Then I realized that he’s an Abode resident so he has his own set of keys. Shit.

With trembling fingers, I rummaged through my purse to call the police and file a report. You’ll never believe what I found. I was appalled to find that he had written a message in HIS OWN BLOOD on the back of my g-Phone case! OMG.

I ran to the kitchen to use the house phone and after an excessive hold time, I finally reached the Stalking Department of the GPD. According to a paper I signed and paid a pretty penny for, The Book is not allowed to come with 500 feet of me. However, I just realized that he never signed the restraining order and likely doesn’t even know that a restraining order exists.

The legal system is whack. I think I’ll just make Jerry kick his ass.

Your Future Queen,

Tabitha The Gnome

Gnome Gnapping – A Phenomenon Explained (somewhat)

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Gnomes like to nap. There’s no freaking doubt about it.

Look at this particular slacker in The Gnome Abode…

And then there’s this guy…

He sleeps sitting up. WTF?!

But out of all these slackers, I’d have to say that this dude is one of the laziest *&%*@ I’ve ever met….

I thought I was the only one who had noticed this phenomenon of laziness. That was until I saw a sign. Yeah sing your Ace of Base. You know you wanna.

Apparently, Hobby Lobby sells signs that indicate that gnomes are sleeping. A big shout out to Gnome Scout, Janet, for this groundbreaking gnome sighting.

On one hand (and yes, at this moment I’m speaking for all gnomekind) we can appreciate the type of privacy that a “Do Not Disturb” sign at the Motel 6 can provide. On the other hand (no I’m not sure which is left and which is right, so don’t even ask me) we don’t like the public disclosure that we are not on our toes at all times….ready to pounce…..ready to attack!

The Gnome Army doesn’t post a sign saying that they’re taking a day off to go to the beach and flirt with Hottie McGoo’s. So why should us regular folks advertise to our adversarial gnomes that we have let our guard down. Unless we can use this to our advantage and confuse our adversarials.

Wow I’m drunk. This 9% homebrew really hits you after #4. What was I talking about? I just liked looking at the pictures.

I’m gonna nap.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

Cowabunga The Gnome

Amish Meth Lab makes a comeback in Seattle with Rap Aspirations

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Life has been grim for the members of Amish Meth Lab in recent days. No venues have returned our calls. We haven’t showered or shaved in weeks. No one has gotten laid in awhile. And we pretty much all hate each other.

I also made the tragic mistake of letting Ringo drive the tour van for awhile. Lo and behold, here we are in Seattle! Seattle?! This is in the complete opposite direction that we were heading.

But eh. I’ve heard Seattle is good for bands. It worked for Nirvana. Er, maybe it didn’t. Hmm. Moving on.

Harrison said he knew a mini gnome that worked at an Asian bakery in Seattle that might be able to hook us up with some food and a place to stay. We stopped in at the bakery and turns out he’s a greeter at the front door. You might not even be able to see him very well in this picture….he’s hiding inside the basket that the creepy marshmallow dude is holding.

Anyway the little dude, who called himself Pocahoncho, slipped us some delicious puff pastries from the outer edges of the trash bins. There were raspberry pastries, chocolate pastries….you name it! Trash had never tasted so scrumptious!

Harrison asked Pocahoncho if he had some floor space we could crash on for the night so we could get out of the van for a little while. Unfortunately, Pocahoncho was somewhat homeless himself and just slept in the broom closet between his shifts.

He said he knew a guy who knew a guy who was once a body guard for the famous rapper named Lil’ Dimwit. The body guard was the only gnome Pocahoncho knew who owned his own place in Seattle. He made a few calls and within an hour, this former body guard gnome in a wonderfully sketchy neighborhood opened his door to us. Cockroaches are like butterflies in some cultures, I’m told.

The guys and I have been lying awake all night brushing off the roaches and talking about how having a rapper in the group might be just the thing we need. I mean, we’re already fusing together the most brilliant sounds of reggae, hard rock, and jazz. Perhaps what we’re missing is a rap component. We’re getting pretty desperate so we’re actually pretty willing to try anything.

Viva la rap!

Assuming we survive the night without getting shot, our next plan is to coerce this body guard host into revealing the location of aforementioned rapper in order to join forces and make big BIG success!

Jigga jigga what (yells the thug)

Der der der der der der der der der – (plays the banjo)’

McCartney The Gnome and Lead Everything of Amish Meth Lab

 

Baked Baking in The Gnome Abode!

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Who says gnomes can’t bake?!

I hosted a baked baking party at The Gnome Abode this past weekend and it turned out to be an overwhelming success! Leonardo brought over his finest selection of shrooms and almost every gnome in The Abode joined us. Well, with the exception of Phillip, who’s a totally tight ass.

We started out with flour, sugar, eggs, and a splash of whipped cream flavored vodka as a substitute for vanilla extract. Cowabunga surprised us all by finding cookie cutters that looked like us! Gnome-shaped cookie cutters! Who would have thought?!

While the little gnome cookies puffed up in the oven, we passed around the bottle of vodka for inspiration. There was decorating ahead of us and we needed to muster up all of the creativity that we could.

We were nice and toasted by the time the gnome cookies cooled off enough to frost them. We had just enough vodka to add to the homemade frosting mix. Horace has become quite the wonderful artist and helped us make a whole bunch of bowls of brilliant colors!

The gnome cookies were looking great….well, that is until some of the guys got a bit rowdy and started making crude jokes. I can’t exactly prove who made these, but somehow a one-eyed gnome girl cookie wearing a bikini appeared next to a well-endowed dude gnome with junk hanging out of his pants.

And then a turtle appeared. A turtle! Why? WHY?!

We ran out of vodka, we ran out of frosting, and the smoke alarm started going off because no one remembered to shut off the oven. I think we all learned some stuff from our baking day, but we have a whole lot more to learn before making Thanksgiving dinner or some shit like that.

Perhaps I’m a bit biased, but I think they’re awesome. If you agree, message me and I’ll Fed Ex you one. But you’d better act now….the gnomes around here are total Fatty McGoos and they’re disappearing like hotcakes. But they’re better than hotcakes because they’re cookies.

WAA BAMM AND FREAKING YUM,

Kamikaze The Gnome