Just another standard Saturday afternoon of hookah smoking, vodka drinking, oil painting, and Velcro ball playing with my rabbit sidekick in the park

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Just another standard Saturday afternoon of hookah smoking, vodka drinking, oil painting, and Velcro ball playing with my rabbit sidekick in the park. Usually Drumsticks (yeah that’s my rabbit) and I do our own thing and totally enjoy escaping the chaos of The Gnome Abode. However, today Drumsticks and I made a few friends along the way.

I heard a “pssssstttt!” from the bushes. I took another puff and dipped by brush in the water bowl. “Pssssttt!” There it was again. I secured my wallet and phone in my back pockets just to play it safe, and cautiously walked towards the “pssssttt’ing” bush. I pushed a couple branches aside and this is what I found…

A home-brew gnome! I’ve heard of gnomes that have magical beer-making powers, but I’ve never actually met one! This dude had frothy brews, hoppy brews, fruity brews…you name it! Apparently he just signed a lease to open his own brewery in an abandoned warehouse on Porter Street.

Dude said his name was Cassius and offered me a sampler platter, to which I certainly did not deny! My favorite was definitely the Mushroom Stem Brown Ale. I can’t exactly remember why, but I know there was something good in there.

I took Cassius’ business card and rode Drumsticks away just before sunset and just before I overstayed my “we just met” welcome. I found myself wandering through the park, staring at leaves and seeing their colors like they’d never been seen before.

Since I wasn’t exactly watching where I was going, I accidently walked into a baseball game. I didn’t even know I walked into a game until a foul ball knocked Drumsticks right out from under me. I’m sure he’ll be okay. That touch ole’ bugga.

I thought theses dudes were gonna be way pissed. They looked super professional and stuff.

Much to my surprise, they stopped their game to come introduce themselves. Apparently their center fielder had suffered a chipped foot injury and they were down a man. They circled around me and began to peer-pressure me to step in to be the replacement.

Baseball is intense. the balls come fast and the gloves are made of animals, much like Drumsticks. I much prefer the slow-paced vibe of Velcro mitt ball and I wanted to bail, but I wasn’t sure how my exit strategy would go.

So I ran. And I ran. And I ran ’til I could run no more.

I’m back at The Gnome Abode somehow and the effects of Cassius’ special edition home-brew are long worn off. Maybe I’ll make some cookies.

Peace out,

Pablo The Gnome

“Bitches n’ Hos” ~ Lil’ Dimwit’s latest rap single! You heard it here first!

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Bitches n’ hos. Meet the bitch of my dreams and turns out she’s a ho. Tough shit, right? Aw shut yo face, I don’t even know you.

She called herself Racy or Roxy or somethin’. I picked her up hitchin’ cuz she had a nice rack. I grabbed ’em when traffic got shitty and they were pretty alright. Made a piss stop in Vegas today. But get this. I get back to my sweet ride and bitch went gone.

She pulled all this voodoo shit on me while we was high in the desert. Made me think she was my soul mate and some shit. Well never again.Silly go dropped her ID between the seats so now I definitely know her name is Roxy. Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. from some shithole called The Gnome Abode.

I drove around pissed off for awhile ’til I saw some schmuck with i-Phone and beat his head in so I would use his 3G and Facebook stalk her. You’ll shit yourself when I tell you what I found when I found her name…

http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/secrets-of-a-slutty-girl-gnome/roxy-hits-vegas-and-who-the-hell-is-this-gnome-named-humps/

Bitch has a blog! Ho totally ditched me and is shackin’ up with some sugar daddy who could never treat a lady gnome right like I do. But if that’s what ho’s gonna do, then that’s what ho’s gonna do.

Whatever, I’m headed to L.A. anyway. My fans are probably freaking out where I’m at. Oh wait. I got an iPhone now. I can totally Tweet.

The only credit I’ll give Miss Roxy Roxy Rose Rumplesphincter Jr. is that she totally inspired my new rap single. Check it.

Bitches n’ Hos – Bitches n’ hos

Yeah

Yeah

Hey ya’ll – take off your clothes

Awwwww

Shiiiiiit

Ya got a nice rack

Uh huh

Yeah

Get back in the sack

Mmmmmm

Hmmmmm

Gnomey don’t play like dat. 

All that copyright shit reserved,

Lil’ Dimwit The Gnome

Gnomish Attempts at Sculpting

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By now, all of us gnomes have read Sheldon’s recent post about his adventures to Zion National Park and Vegas (http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/world-traveler-gnomes/sheldons-adventure-to-zion-national-park-and-las-vegas/).  Due to our jealous rage and general hatred towards him and we’ve all been protesting The Drunk Gnome site for a couple days.

Don’t think we don’t get the basic cable TV in the The Gnome Abode! Pish shaw. We watched the coverage of the NATO Summit! We know how it’s done!

Well sort of. After a couple days of hitting the GPD officers with our shovels and rakes, we received a certified letter from the Master and Goddess of All Gnomekind that our antics would not increase our opportunities for travel, but rather eliminate our opportunities all together!

What a hard ass.

As one of the most reasonable gnomes in the bunch, I had to find a way to get the guys settled down and in a more peaceful state of mind. I read Sheldon’s post again and tried to find something positive in it for the rest of us.

Then it hit me! Sculpting! The Styrofoam gnome sculptures at the Vegas art exhibit were truly magnificent. And oddly enough, those sculptures were made by a human. GASP. If a human can do that, then certainly gnomes can do that  times like eight or something.

So I sent around some fliers and hosted a sculpting class in the northeast corner of the backyard.

This is what Pablo sculpted. He says it’s an elephant, but I’m not so sure. He kept taking swigs of Delirium Tremens as he worked with the clay, so I’m pretty sure this is the product of being wasted.

Leonardo started off sculpting an emu and I commended him for his ambitious endeavor. However, this is the end result? Emu? Eww. No living thing should ever have to lay eyes on such a hideous beaked creature.

Apparently, Caesar had watched Jurassic Park recently and has been obsessed with dinosaurs ever since. He says this is a T-Rex. I can’t say that I’m remotely terrified by this prehistoric creature. Well maybe by its sheer ugliness.

As the Gnome Educator, I can’t say that I taught any of my students about sculpture, but at least they’re not hitting cops with sticks anymore.

Trying to rub those hideous sculpture images out of my eye sockets,

The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Sheldon’s Adventure to Zion National Park and Las Vegas

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Another month has passed and another trip was due. I decided to venture westward towards the desert of southwest Utah in search of deep canyons, steep cliffs, and perhaps a few Mormon wives.

I set up camp at the National Park campgrounds and had a spectacular view of mountainous terrain and slutty high school girls on a church retreat.

Canyoneering was pretty intense, so I left the hard core rapelling, stemming, and traversing for the professionals in my guide group. I took one look at that murky water down below and feared that my aging ceramic bones would never survive such a fall in one piece.

After a few wrong turns and substantial dehydration, I finally located my canyoneering guide and badass trip mates. It’s easy for a little gnome like me to get lost in such magnificent and whacked out places. While wandering around, I accidentally palmed a cactus. Thank goodness I brought my MacGyver multi-tool and tweezed out each and every one of those prickly bastards.

Ahhhh. Finally. A place that I could call home. My tour guide had to literally drag me by the satchel kicking and screaming to leave my new-found “Gnome Abode” that I fit absolutely perfect inside. Sure there were frogs and lizards everywhere, but they were friendly and I finally found my peace here. I hated leaving and I hate that guide every time I look back at this photo.

After two days of canyoneering badassery, my travel companions and I drove a couple hours til we reached Vegas. I’m not a big gambler myself, although many gnomes in The Abode would have envied my access to slot machines.

A few days before my departure, I read an article in the International Gnome Club Newsletter about an art exhibit in a random park just off of the Vegas Strip. Sure enough, there were gnomes there. Two of them. They were huge. They were made of styrofoam. And they didn’t really speak any sort of coherent language. Here is one of them and me just staring at each other because we were unable to communicate whatsoever. Styrofoam must kill brain cells. That’ts my only explanation.

As soon as I went over to visit the second Styrofoam gnome, who was seductively lounging on the blazing concrete, he tried to eat me. EAT ME! Gnomes DO NOT eat other gnomes. I repeat DO NOT. Can you refer to this as cannibalism or is cannibalism only used for human-upon-human consumption. Hmmm….something to Google later.

After that traumatic experience I was ready for a stiff drink. Or seven. Pina Coladas were my drink of choice due to the 100 degree heat. Yes, I’m aware that this drink is as tall as I am. And yes, I can hold my liquor. So screw you!

After a few tasty beverages, I decided that I would learn to swim. I’ve never swam before, but I actually wasn’t too bad at it. I did okay at floating and blowing bubbles. That’s pretty much the first step to winning Olympic gold anyway, isn’t it?

Vegas was pretty relaxing. I shacked up with some hookers at the Stratosphere for a few days, but then got bored and ran out of cash.

This journey was the ultimate best of both worlds. I camped, I canyoneered,  I climbed, I drank, I swam, and I screwed. All in all a wonderful trip and another stamp in my passport.

Back at The Gnome Abode but really missing the West now that I’m looking at these pictures,

Sheldon The Traveling Gnome

ATTACK OF THE GNOMBIES!!!

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We have received urgent alerts from three new Gnome Scouts about Gnombies (a.k.a. gnome zombies) beginning to infiltrate the gnome world.

Alerts have been posted all over the Interweb!

http://9gag.com/gag/4335350

http://imgur.com/gallery/jQGdI

I feel that none of us are prepared for this attack. I mean look at those things! How could any gnome be prepared for tha…tha….THAT?!? Who can we trust?!

The buzz around The Abode is that all this somehow tied to that whole face eating thing down in Miami, but I’m not so sure…

I’ve been trying to do some online research and my search results are coming up sketchy. There’s some You Tube videos out there, but they all seem pretty human-zombie-specific.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l9ocz8jlKs

Regardless I have found evidence that the gnombie population is drastically increasing.

Even mommies and babies are being affected!

I write this post as a desperate plea to all the zombie experts out there….both in the gnome world and the human world. We need to stick together! We need to defeat this evil species (even if they are trendy at the moment)! We need to keep our blood and brains inside ourselves!

Sitting by my g-Phone, waiting for your expert advice,

Alfredo The Gnome