Kamikaze’s Trip to Bubbleland

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So Jerry and Horace threatened to snap my broom handle in half if I didn’t finish the entire household’s laundry before the end of the weekend. They can be total bullies sometimes. I may or may not be a push-over. I don’t have a problem with taking my turn doing the household chores, but I can’t help to notice that I’m the only one doing all of the work. I was hired to work in this backyard as a Sweeper. Seemed easy enough from the ad I responded to…. See some dirt, sweep it up, repeat, repeat, repeat.

But today I find myself at a laundromat. Washing EVERYONE’s solid colored shirts and suspender pants with some goopy stuff the girl at the front counter kept referring to as “detergent” and “fabric softener”. WTF?! 

The closest laundromat I could find was an oddly bright colored establishment called Bubbleland. (Bubbleland, I thought….sounds like a fun place full of merriment and joy!) I was wrong. Dead wrong.

First of all, look at this place! It’s freaking creepy as hell! Bubble letter “Clean is good” slogans? Why is everything so bright? Why am I fenced in? How is that man in the black shirt coping with these conditions?!

 

 

Second of all, the smallest of all the washing machines cost $1.80! How does any gnome ever afford to have clean clothes! Isn’t this a basic gnomish right!? I’m writing my alderman a strongly worded letter.

 

Third of all, the dryers were so huge that I literally had to climb into it to start pulling the dripping wet mass of clothing on top of me. It was humiliating. You know all those cheesy romantic comedies where a cute single guy gnome and a cute almost-single girl know catch each others’ glance across the rows of dryers, fall in love at first sight, and overcome a test of obstacles in their lives to be together and find true happiness? (I love those movies)

WELL THOSE MOVIES ARE A LIE! I’m never going to meet the gnome girl of my dreams here if I look as ridiculous as I do  sweeping in a dryer!!!

A grueling four hours passed and finally the spin cycle made its final spin. Time to crawl back in and pull ’em out. Ugggghhhhh….

Ooo…

OooooOOOOOO! So warm! So clean! So fresh! Oh I think I’m just going to stay and nap in here! The other gnomes would be SO JEALOUS if they had ANY idea how amazing this feels.

 

 

What? What’s that you’re mumbling about, weird man in the black shirt? No. No. But…but…but…You can’t be serious. NOW I HAVE TO FOLD EVERYTHING?!?!??!?!??!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace ~ Love ~ Harmony ~ Earrings

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As you well know, gnomes are crafty lil’ bastards. I like to think I’m the craftiest of us all. I am a free spirit. I blow where the wind takes me. I create works of art to bring smiles to strangers faces and to keep my wallet full enough to travel from one destination to the next.

An acquaintance gnome I met at pottery class sent me a video about how to make your own earrings! Check it out!

After hours of stabbing myself with pliers too large for my tiny hands and getting burned on on metal  welding thing-a-majigs that are scary as shit….I have created my first pair of earrings! Eat your heart out, Juicy Couture.

Yes they are gnomes holding lanterns!

No, I don’t have my ears pierced. But that leads me to my next project for this afternoon…..self-piercing! Anyone want to come over and be my guinea-gnome? I’m sure they’ll look almost as amazing on you as they do on me.

~ Peace, love, harmony, earrings ~

Cowabunga the Gnome

Beer Sampler Trays are the Universe’s Gift to Gnomekind

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Tonight I decided to get off my lazy ass and do something on a Friday night. I know…weird, right?! My ass moving destination was the liquor store. I figure…what better excuse to get out of the house than to go out and buy something that will keep me in the house! Goddamn I love logic.

Well I missed the driveway to get into Binny’s. Then I accidentally ran a red light. The I kinda sorta sideswiped this orange jeep. So I kept driving. And driving. And driving. Next thing I know, I’m in Holland, Michigan.

Holy hell there’s a brewery here! Well fancy my pants and shiver my timbers!

I was handed a sampler tray menu by a man in a beard. So many magnificent choices! After much deliberation and sneezing, I made my touch decisions and this beautiful thing arrived at my table-for-one. If you have really awesome eyesight, you can totally read the comments I made by each of the six beers I chose. If you’re blind as a bat (are bats really blind? Must Google it), I will report my brief initial reactions to you in some sort of logical manner.

1. Full Circle kolsch-style beer – More flavor than normal kolsch beers. Not too sweet.

2. Mad Hatter IPA – Not as hoppy as most IPAs. But I still hate IPAs. Very malty.

3. Sundog Amber Ale – A lot going on. Flavors galore. A lot of carbonation.

4. Cabin Fever Brown Ale – Roast-like flavor. Similar to New Castle, but more flavor. Not as heavy as a stout. Slightly smoky.

5. Dragon’s Milk Ale Aged in Oak Barrels – Milky and dessert like brew. Could only have one. Very smooth and creamy.

6. Night Tripper Imperial Stout – Several layers and a lot going on. Bitter aftertaste. Similar to The Beast at the Avery Brewery in Colorado, not less flavor and alcohol content than that.

Overall, I think New Holland Brewery is an excellent place and I recommend stopping by the next time you find yourself needing to get out of the house.

 

Sippy sippy,

Yankee & Doodle (Don’t ask about Dandy. It was a tragic incident and we don’t to discuss it in public forums.)

 

Convicted Hot Tub Moonshine Gnome Escaped From Prison!

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If any of you gnomes out there happen to see this hardened criminal, please comment on my blog post IMMEDIATELY. He has escaped from prison.

Chaos has come over my high-rise office building and we are all shaking with fear in our finely pressed suits.

(Sidebar: You may be wondering why I’m not wearing my finely pressed suit in my profile photo. Well I submitted a photo of myself in my Sunday best and it was rejected by the Site Administrator. She said to dress casual. But I don’t like to dress casual. She can be a real bitch sometimes.)

A crime of horrendous proportions was committed in the 5th floor gym in my office building last night. The super important financial companies that occupy this building are doing VERY well financially, so we recently had a hot tub, sauna, and steam room installed.

It only takes one gnome to ruin it for everyone. Apparently some cocky bastard thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring some moonshine into the hot tub with him. And I ask you, what kind of a workout is that?!

He was promptly escorted out by building security and arrested by the GPD (Gnome Police Department). Rightfully so. How dare he think that drinking in public, let alone a corporate office building hot tub was appropriate.

I despise all of these drunk gnomes. Do you have any idea what how many lawsuits I had to file to even be accepted as a contributor to this blog? I pulled out every discrimination law in gnomish society until that bitchy administrator was subpoenaed and court-ordered to allow my anti-alcohol opinions be heard.

I could go off about that for hours. But I digress. The Hot Tub Moonshine Convict has escaped from prison. I’ve been calling the GPD every 73 minutes to check on the status of their search. Nothing has turned up yet. Gnomes can be so dang sneaky when they’re on the run from the authorities. Gah. Please help.

Disgusted and Appalled,

Phillip the Gnome

Yosemite?! You’ve gotta be smite-ing me!!

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I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how my rock climbing training program has been going. Well, as with any professional athlete like myself, there are always minor setbacks.

I snuck inside a crack in the sliding glass door, logged online and ordered (Yes, I have my own credit card. Sheesh) these training thingies that all the big shots say are essential to anyone serious getting into top physical climbing condition.

Rock-like thingies to hang from

I tried them out last night for the first time by hanging them on a low branch of a nearby bush in backyard. I can kind of hang on them, but then what? Am I supposed to do a pull-up or something? Suggestions welcome! The the minion gnomes around me saw them hanging from the bush and decided they would be fun to use as swings. The little ones fit inside the hand holds and totally threw off my chi.

This morning, I overheard a conversation between our Master and her Man-Friend last night about taking a rock climbing trip out to Yosemite National Park. I NEED TO JOIN THEM. I think this is my destiny.  They CAN’T leave me behind! So it is time to get back to training. My first order of business is to climb over this back yard wall. My second order of business is to climb Yosemite.

I hung this poster up on this wretched wall I am trying to conquer. It inspires me.

Gnome on a 5.10a

If there are any other gnome climbers (like this buff guy with the suitcase…who are you???), I’d love to hear from you. I’m trying not to get discouraged. But I fear that if my skills are not up to par within 2 weeks, Master and Man-Friend will leave me behind, as I would surely slow down their amazing climbing skills. Sigh. Back to those hanging thingies that I don’t know what to do with.

With bleeding ceramic hands,
Horace The Gnome