Monthly Archives: September 2012

Lil’ Dimwit’s new rap single (“Shorty Was a Gnome”) drops TO-day! TO-day, bitches!!!

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Yo yo yo so my new rap single’s droppin’ so you betta check it.

Collaboration with Chedda Cheese ‘n shit even though those bastards don’t gimme no credit. I pop a cap when I need a fix. Ya know. Yeah.

Lyrics: [Hook] Three-foot-three, chin with the beard, I bet the whole club thought she looked weird. I didn’t know she couldn’t grow, shorty was a gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome. Children-size pants, opposite of large, the type of gnome that I would purchase for my yard. I didn’t know she couldn’t grow, shorty was a gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome. [Hook] I had my beer goggles on so it was hard to see which women were the ones I should try to creep, So I headed for the ones that were ugly, that’s how it is when you’re Chedda Cheese. Fat girls come on, skinny girls come on, obese women come on, bulimic women come on. I don’t discriminate, I’ma mack that hoe regardless of her weight. But she was a little bit different, this one I spotted from a bit of a distance, But once I got her into my vision I realized I was really scoping a midget. Oh no, she noticed me staring, she’s smaller than average but that was apparent, I try not to laugh at her tiny appearance, but damn that’s a funny impairment. [Hook] Next night, new club, feeling like the bomb, Trying to get things on like donkey kong, But I couldn’t believe the first thing I saw, Another gnome looking like the ones I have on my lawn. Look around for a minute, now I’m surrounded by …

See yo’ sorry assess at the album signing. Check out.
Lil’ Dimwit The Gnome

My wild night with a duck-riding gnome

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Hey ya’ll, so does anyone know this guy?

I think we hooked up last night and I can’t seem to find his name or number anywhere in my apartment. God I hate myself when I do this..

It all started when my boss/pimp/boyfriend, Humps, and I went out to dinner.

Actually, we never even got any dinner. This shitty restaurant he took me too had the worst freaking service EVER and we sat staring at empty bowls for almost an hour! Humps was clearly bored sitting there with me and kept texting his “other girls” under the table. He denied it, of course. Little does the bastard know how good my peripheral vision is!

At one point, I looked over and he had a huge smile on himself and seemed to be giggling. He looks really stupid when he giggles….with that bobble head and all. He noticed me staring, cleared his throat, and quickly made up some excuse about a late-night business meeting with a high-roller casino client that he had to duck out for.

As he awkwardly grabbed his coat and headed toward the door, I decided to get the waitress’ attention by pulling my dress over my head and flashing the entire restaurant. It worked!

I had her cancel our food order and bring me three bottles of wine instead.

By this point, I had made best friends with all the single dude gnomes in the room. Boys are so sweet once you pull your dress up! One dude actually rode over on a duck to introduce himself.

A duck! For realz!

Duck dude ordered a couple more bottles of wine and before I knew it, I didn’t even remember being pissed off at Humps! I think I took a ride on that duck….and other things….but I can’t really be sure. Apparently, one of the bars we went to after the restaurant had a photo booth, and that’s where I got that pic of us. Whoever came up with that whole photo booth idea is a genius.

So…..hottie on a duck? Hey! Where are you? Who are you? Text me!

I’m trying to be single again! That is, unless Humps puts another bounty on me for straying. But whatever, these are all problems we can work through. I’m sure he won’t do to you what he did to the last gnome!

Text me!

XOXO
Roxy The Gnome

What is this strange creature?

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We are monkeys, hooray! Last night when gnomecow and gnomeplaya came back to the cow palace, they brought over a strange orange creature. It sort of looked like Fatty, but orange. And fatter. We monkeys went to investigate, and Crazy was all over it.

After a half an hour of saying hellos and peace offerings, we found out that this orange creature doesn’t talk. Or do anything. So we contemplated eating it

But then suddenly an army of fat gnomes came out of nowhere and started worshiping the orange creature.

If anyone out there knows what this strange orange creature is, let us know! Hooray! Meanwhile Fatty and I (Nappy) are going to go on a Monkey Rescue Mission with our fancy new helmets, snowshoes and trekking poles, hooray!

Once upon a time, in a magical land of Canadian beer…

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Zooks here. I was flipping through some photos from my most recent adventure today and was reminded some of the most beautiful things in life. Like Canadian beer!

Here’s a shot of Peso and I at the Granville Island Brewery. He was perpetually wasted at this point in the trip so I figure that I should be the one to tell about our tasting experience.

They call this a tasting map but call me crazy, I don’t think it looks like a map at all. Whatever, let’s drink!

Pale Ale – Eh, standard. I could take it or leave it. Not that I don’t like white people. I mean, they’re okay I guess.

Hereweizen – Always enjoyable, but again pretty standard. Is a heffer like a fat cow or something? Or a fat woman? Will someone please fill me in on the origin of this weird German word?

Island Lager – Okay sure, it’s kinda sorta an island, but it’s not like there’s hula girls brushing their hula skirts up against you when you drink this.

Maple Cream Ale – What an original Canadian concept! It was good, but not quite as good as I had hoped for. Smooth and creamy for sure. Screw those meal replacement health nut bars….I’ll replace my meals with a stash of these!

Honey Lager – I was worried there would be bees inside but there weren’t so I give this 3.5 out of 5 stars. Points were deducted due to fear and loathing.

Raspberry Ale – Light and fruity, as it should be. I’m embarrassed to say that I like fruity beers, but I do….so screw you all.

Ginger Beer – My favorite by far! And not to be confused with ‘ginger ale’ because that has no alcohol, and that is lame. Definitely a unique idea and a refreshing ginger-ish taste. Not too overpowering, but just enough of a hint of ginger to send me to the sushi bar.

Brockton IPA – I’m never a fan of IPAs but this one was actually drinkable. It was at this time I decided that I should drink IPAs when I am trying to not get drunk. Then I tried to come up with scenarios when I wouldn’t want to get drunk and I couldn’t think of any.

 And now….a few observations about the brewery!

  • They only allow you to order one pint or three samples of beer. WHAT THE HELL?! That’s nothing for seasoned liver destroyers like myself! Sure, the island is pretty family friendly, but that’s even MORE of a reason for a steady beer flow. Lighten up guys, sheesh.
  • All of the beers have low alcohol content. Another questionable move. See above observation for relevant suggestion.
  • All of the beers were super drinkable. GULP.
  • The brewery is set up more like a tasting room, with only minimal snack options but ample seating for your one-beer stop n’ chat.
  • People in Canada in freaking friendly!

Cheers and chug-a-lug!
Zookwinkle The Gnome

An Idea About a Gnome Museum (a post by a human!)

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After an extensive approval process and a crap ton of paperwork, I (a human!) have been granted limited access to The Drunk Gnome for the purpose of making one blog post. The gnomes around here are freaking protective of their blog….sheesh!

I wrote this article to pitch an idea about opening a gnome museum. King Jerry finally decided it was in the collective gnomish interest to publish my article. Whew. Hooray! Let me know what you think!

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An Idea About a Gnome Museum

I recently helped my grandma, Ruth, move into an assisted living facility due to her health. For nearly thirty years, she lived in a lovely three-bedroom ranch home in a quiet Central Illinois town. Although she was not a gnome collector, she collected souvenir bells, decorative plates, and angel figurines. As a beloved member of her church and community, Grandma Ruth’s friends and neighbors always give her small gifts for her birthday, Christmas, and as travel souvenirs.

Moving to Brookstone Estates meant Grandma Ruth would need to downsize her belongings to fit into a small one-bedroom apartment. As my parents and I sorted through the rooms of her house, we were overwhelmed by how many collectible items she had collected over the years. She slowly came to realize that she could not take many of her treasures with her.

Since neither my parents nor I had ample storage space, we arranged to hold an estate auction at the community building. Setting aside her most favorite pieces to keep, we reluctantly boxed up her collectibles, applied priced tags, and set them on tables for neighbors and friends to browse through. Almost all of Grandma Ruth’s collectible items were purchased at the estate auction. However, I couldn’t help but feel a pit in my stomach over her beloved bells, plates, and angels being sold for pocket change to people I didn’t know.

This experience made me think about my own collection of gnomes and other gnome collections around the world. Then an idea came to me…a gnome museum! I would love to create a museum for gnome collectors to contribute to and for gnome fans to visit.

To put these ideas into motion, I would reach out to gnome collectors and inquire if they would be willing to donate one gnome from their collections to join gnomes from around the globe to be featured in the museum. The International Gnome Club Newsletter is a perfect venue to get the word out! I would also manage a website with details about how to donate gnomes to the museum and blueprints of how the museum would be organized. I’ve already secured the domain name, www.gnomemuseum.com. 

I have a few ideas about how to organize the museum to feature individual rooms for collectors with multiple donations, separate sections for gnomes doing different activities and collected from different eras. In addition to gnomish displays, I would love to organize family-friendly activities and events such as gnome craft-making, gnome scavenger hunts in the yard, gnome-themed refreshments, and a gnome expert speaker series.

Although I have some ideas, I am sure that some of you gnome enthusiasts reading this have many more! I would love to hear your thoughts about establishing a gnome museum, what should be included in one, and suggested museum locations. Although Grandma Ruth has come to terms with her lost collections and enjoys living at Brookstone Estates, I can’t help but think she’d be happier if her beloved items were consolidated in one place for others to truly appreciate the way she did.

Please contact me by email with your thoughts, suggestions, and advice at [email protected]. I look forward to hearing from you and keeping our gnome collections preserved for future generations of gnome enthusiasts!

Sincerely,
Gnomeplaya The Human